To be worried this will change our relationship

[topandtailem]

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

Whatever happens I’m not willing to curtail access to DD. I think at this time she would be negatively affected by that more than anything

I would wonder if she "dotes" on your DD because she feels she can parent her better than you can. It is just a thought but you might want to explore that thought.

I cannot believe the money came with such strings attached. Do you think because she has known you for so long that she still sees you as a child? Dh's parents were a bit weird about stuff we did, I actually pointed out that when they were the same age Dh and I were they already had 2 children and how grown up and responsible they must have felt in their late 20s. We were married, had stable jobs, a nice house; I couldn't understand why they treated us like we were uni students. I had graduated and was working when I met Dh who was still a student. They still saw Dh as 18.

They sound far too involved if they vetoed a house you were buying. I would definitely start to distance them, they sound over-involved with your finances and decisions.

How utterly despicable! To make you an offer and then, at the last minute, put conditions on it. It must be so upsetting to think they are saying they don't trust you to have your DD's best interests at heart.

I hope you can proceed without their help.

I'm worried that the focus of your OP is "how can I get past the awful shitty thing they've done that they're unremorseful about" rather than "my PIL are not the nice people I thought they were - how should I set boundaries for my future relationship with them?"

Your daughter might love them but I dread to think what kind of undermining is going on behind your back...

She’s being manipulative not just with the money but also the “haven’t slept in days”. Bizarre and OTT given there is nothing remotely dodgy or dangerous about the house and it’s not like you’re moving 200 miles away.

I don’t think it’s actually a criticism of your parenting, at all. I don’t think you need to get upset and offended about it. I suspect she hasn’t got used to the idea that her son is not a child any more and might make decisions of his own, that aren’t what she would have chosen.

I think this is a battle for your DH to fight.

The sad bit is that if they sense the relationship has changed it will ALWAYS (in their minds)be because "they didnt give you money", not the actual reasons of their being controlling and scuppering your plans. This may well come back on you as the DiL, not their son. Difficult situation for you. I hope it works out for you all

"Whatever happens I’m not willing to curtail access to DD."

As long as you realise that might mean them demanding to be more involved in collecting her from school and having her at weekends than you'd like. Sounds to me that you're so clouded by this determination to have a good relationship with them that you're letting them dictate what you do as adults.

They need to back off. What business is it if theirs where you live?! I'd be putting my daughter in nursery and buying the house but then I refused grandparents offer of regular childcare from the outset.

"Totally agree with Pythonesque. Ponds are brilliant for older children. Ours spent hours pond-dipping and hunting for frogs. We used a grid when DC were small, and it worked fine."

Unlike our neighbours grid that trapped their toddler beneath it where he drowned. Fill your pond in OP if you get it!

Bloody hell, what a shitty thing to do! Who on earth holds out a branch of help and then snatches it away when you reach out for it?!
You sound way calmer than I would be that's for sure and it's already changed the dynamics of the relationship because you know what she's capable of now and I'd struggle to see past that.
I know you don't want to rein in the contact with your daughter but you've then got to accept that if they can do this to you then they'll most definitely not respect your childcare boundaries! I know what I'd do!

Tell them that you are putting your daughter in Nursery from now on because it is 'best for her'.

That is a really horrible way for them to have treated you all OP. I hope you get the house of your dreams!

Am just wondering, are either of them particularly anxious people? I don't suffer from any kind of anxiety but I know of people who do, and some of them would possibly let this kind of situation completely take over rational thought. For instance, they may be lying in bed thinking "but DGD could drown in that pond before they fill it in, and she could fall down the stairs, and maybe she'd fall of the kitchen worktop or get burned on the hob or pull a kettle over herself, and it would all be my fault because I bought the house..." It's not rational, but I do know people whose mind processes work like that...

i wouldnt let them have unsupervised access to you r dd-they already disprove of your choices whats next-what dd eats wears?

dangerous territory-and their other son also seems to think he should keep tham at bay its clear they ave issues

This has nothing to do with the house. It's about control, pure and simple.

Am just wondering, are either of them particularly anxious people?

No, they're controlling monsters. Don't ever try to excuse their behaviour, as they will play on it. The OP has already seen that with the "I couldn't sleep" tactic.

"Am just wondering, are either of them particularly anxious people?"

And this train of thought will excuse them for the next 10 years....at which point the OP looks back and realises that she gave up control of making all decisions regarding her own child

If someone suddenly shows controlling behaviour it’s always worth reflecting on whether they have ever had much reason to before. I.e have you mostly gone along with what they want or responded in ways they like when things don’t go how they want? Because often controlling people are quite good at just getting you to go along with them and it’s only when you put your foot down over something big that they fully come out with the behaviour.

The OP has already seen that with the "I couldn't sleep" tactic.

Yes if I were the DH I would have have replied 'Why, is the guilt of what you've done keeping you awake?'.

@AudaCityLimits yes, MIL is very anxious and I absolutely think this sort of thinking is playing a role here. But she won’t talk about her anxiety, acknowledge it as a problem or seek any help so we can’t easily say “look, do you think you’re catastrophising a bit here and maybe we could talk through the more realistic side of things eg ‘my son and DIL love their child very much and would always supervise her wherever she is’.”

Some posters get it - and from the bottom of my heart I'm so so so sorry.

Some posters don't get it - for which I am so pleased.

Some posters will never get it, and that's upsetting in a different way.

Best of luck OP - hope it all works out in whatever way.

It would bother me too OP as ultimately they’re are not her parents so it’s not up for them to “put their granddaughter first” in this situation. That is up to her parents alone. When they care for her yes they are In charge of what she eats, her care ect minor day to day things, but where she lives is not up to them. They are massively overstepping the mark and I would hold them at arms length from now on.

@AnnaFour, @MyCatHatesEverybody and @minipie, I think you’re all making great points that I need to think carefully about.

This reminds me of my in laws, although it never got that bad as they never offered to help (save a loan of £5k to help buy a house, but made no difference to our buying power so declined. We later found out they have a fuckton of cash doing nothing in the bank, mortgage paid and generous pensions, but it’s their choice). There was another thing they offered because they didn’t use it, it meant we changed our plans. When in the position to receive it they changed their minds because of the place we bought. They also didn’t like where we lived. But they didn’t seem to want us close or to be much involved in our DD’s lives either. I went NC after a while but supported DH & kids having a relationship.

It definitely was a control thing but felt it was more about their anxiety and not trusting DH, and definitely not me. They don’t trust me as I manage the finances for our family. DH is very easy going with them, doesn’t call them out on anything, but he stands his ground with me which they don’t see, so believe he’s a doormat with me too.

I think people get more anxious with age and it can seem illogical and unfair, but ultimately not malicious. It’s just really sad the kids missed out on the relationship.

Nothing much to add to the great advice you have already received, just to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Agree that you should be alert to any other control attempts and be ready to assert your boundaries when necessary.

Also a salutary lesson to others in this position. Get the money in your bank account before making any plans!

In your situation I'd buy a house with a lake hours away from them but then I'm petty

So what do they think would be acceptable?

I’d try my hardest to buy it anyway if I felt it was right for my family and could

If you’re not willing to address this or cut down on access to your dd now, think about the future when your dd is old enough to be manipulated by them and their controlling money ways. If they can pull this stunt so close to purchasing the house, it wont end here. When she’s older it will be them buying her stuff even though you’ve told them not too, buying her her first bike etc, them saying things like we wanted you to live in a nicer house but Mummy didn’t want too. You really need to stop this now before your dd is old enough to be influenced by them and it affects your relationship with dd!

Call me a stroppy cow too, I’d have dh send them a house 100 miles away saying what do you think of this? We’ve had to rethink the plans but have gotten quite excited about some of the options it opens up.

And I’d have to follow up with my concerns about letting my daughter spend so much time with people who think we are bad parents. Because I’d be furious, and those concerns are very valid. This relationship has changed forever.

Sounds like a manipulative cow to me.

I have given money to my AC on several occasions - what they choose to spend it on is none of my business.