To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I changed in anticipation of children (who sadly never arrived) so we’d all have the same name. It felt more important after I was in work one day and a call came from a school asking for a Mrs X because her child had had an accident and was on the way to hospital. Everyone was asked but nobody knew a Mrs X, so the message couldn’t be passed on. As it turned out, we did all know Mrs X, but because she was still known by her maiden name at work, she didn’t get this vital message.

I changed mine because it was already different to 2 of my DC and I didn't want it to be different to my DH as well. So now in our family we have two different surnames rather than three

I got married in the 90s and it was absolutely the norm.

We wanted to share a name with each other and our future children.

My maiden name was awful, dh's name is lovely.

Romantic, innit?

I kept my name when I married last year but was quite torn. I was torn because I felt (and still do) that sharing a surname would make me feel more of a unit with my husband, strangely because we don’t have children - that it would make us more of a family.
But my surname is unusual and my sister hadn’t changed hers after marriage and we are the last with the surname in our line of the family.
My sister has a child who has her husband’s surname. I have to admit it’s a pain writing the different names and surnames on cards for them etc! (And it also weirdly makes it sound like my sister is a lodger living with a couple).
My husband didn’t care and though his family are very traditional they were also fine about it. I think my family quite like that me and my sister have kept the family surname.
I get people who assume I’ve taken his name, and just one friend who insists on giving me my husband’s surname on envelopes followed by “(sorry!)” which I find slightly rude but she’s a good friend so I forgive her.
I thought about having my husband’s surname or my own as an extra middle name but they don’t work together in any capacity. I hate double barrelling but that also would not have worked for us for the same reason.
It’s been really simple keeping my own name in many practical ways and also at work.
My husband likes my surname so would probably have taken it if I’d wanted him to. If we’d been able to have children I’m not sure what we’d have done, I might have suggested they take my surname as why not? I agree we don’t give these things enough thought these days and it slightly depresses me that all my married female friends have taken their husband’s surname.

We discussed it, we wanted the same surname, double barrelling would have sounded properly ludicrous with our names so we picked the name we liked more. Which was his - so we look super traditional but there was a proper discussion and it was not a foregone conclusion. We also married young and early in careers so I hadn’t yet got any name recognition career wise. I would not want to change my name if we were marrying now.

Of our friends, the most common choice is not to change, followed by changing personally but not professionally. A more limited (but still significant) number change their names (most to the husband’s although we do know one man who has taken his wife’s name) or double barrel.

@Claphands

I changed mine because mine is really unusual and I was fed up of having to spell it out and no one knowing how to say it etc, my husbands name (now mine) is a nice normal easy to spell name and sounds nice with my name which the old one didn’t!

This. Plus I wanted us to have the same name.

It wasn't 2020 when I got married. It was quite normal back then. I liked the name more than mine. I knew we were going to have children and become a family.

I was married very briefly in my late teens though and didn't change my name then, I thought I was edgy. Turns out I was just being 2020

When I got married it would have been unusual not to take his surname. Tbh, I would have done anyway just because then I would always have wanted to have the same name as my children. My mum had a different name to us and it made it more difficult for her when she had to sign things at school, when we got our first passports etc. It is different these days but I still think the majority of married couples choose to share a surname. Makes it a lot easier when tracing the family tree as well.

I like tradition, and that's ok!

I kept my surname, dh supported my decision. Our child has dh's surname, and I don't mind having a different one to them.

Didn't have same name as my mum and half sister anyway (my parents divorced and mum remarried) so I never associated my surname synonymously with "my" family although it meant a lot to me to have the same name as my husband and children. His is easier to spell!

My maiden name is carried by my two brothers, one of whom already has a son. If I were the only person to carry it then I wouldn't have changed as I wouldn't want to be the "end" of the name

Our names would not be remotely compatible for double barrelling or including both in children's names (this would have been my ideal). Instead the middle names for our two Dc have links to my family members

Because my grandma wrote a cheque out to mr & mrs DH as a wedding gift and it felt ungrateful to take it back to her and ask her to write it out again so I changed my name with my bank. As a result of that I had to change my name at work for payroll but other than that I've kept my maiden name and I use both interchangeably. I think it would be much simpler all round if everyone was known by their national insurance numbers anyway. I'm not bothered what I'm known by as long as I'm identifiable

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Exactly what we did, chose a new one together. I would say one person gave a fuck, everyone else barely noticed.

Because DH's surname is a stronger signifier of our religion/culture than mine, so it expresses my pride in my identity.

My children have my maiden name and my husband was to become their stepdad. He was quite adamant he wanted to change my name and I did because I was smitten and thought it was romantic. Looking back, it was a red flag.
He didn’t take to family life, and eventually I had to put my children first.
We’re divorced now but funnily enough, I’ve kept my married name because I set up my business in it, and after a decade it feels like my name, not his.
I sometimes revert to my maiden name for kid stuff though.

(Also my SIL and I share a first name, so if I go back we’ll have the same full name!)

Because I am a proper eejit. DH pleaded with me to keep my name as he told me in his culture that it was weird and would make it look like I was his sister. We moved to his country and it has been a costly mistake, literally-had to pay for deed polls and sworn translations for identity documents. What a pain in the ass. Next time I'll keep mine!! [Grin]

Ugh, I always regret reading threads like this, so depressing!

Because I wanted to.

I wanted to keep my name then realised that it was only my fathers name and therefore derived for from a man anyway- why keep it?

I also wanted us to share the same name not double barrelled as it would have been too much

I wanted to keep my name as I am an only child and my father twin had a son (my cousin) who died so I was the only one left

Anyway when I thought it was Dad's name anyway why his and not my husbands?

If I had my time again I would have given the children my 'old' surname as a middle name.

I think that we (collectively as a culture) need to be careful when identifying the difference between misogyny and tradition - they don't have to be the same thing. For me, I took my husbands name because that is what the tradition is and I felt comfortable doing so. I don't feel having done so detracts from my identity as a confident, independent (but married), women who entered into a partnership with my husband. Now if my husband decided that he wanted a bit of action 3x a week at 8pm regardless of my thoughts/feelings in the name of 'matrimonial duty' I would feel this to be misogynist and would not oblige (he wouldnt dare.....but you get the point).

Appreciate those who got married years ago things were different. But all of my friends have changed it - and we got married last year. I suppose I just get a bit down sometimes about how we work very hard as females to change so many things. This is only a small part of the struggle but these things add up.

This isn't a judgement, but I do think there are so many things that don't help females go against inequality, I'm not perfect and I play into some of these cultural norms too in other ways. Doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad.

I’m quite traditional
Not keen on my surname
Ex DH surname was unusual
We’ve been divorced 20+ years I still kept my ‘married’ name
Originally I was the only Mrs JaceLancs in the U.K. now there are 3 (ex DH is now on marriage no 3)
I’m still the original n the best!
Ex MIL would’ve had same (rare) surname - she is fab btw n we are still great friends but remarried n took new DH name

Haven't changed mine. Kids are doubled barrelled as we were not married when they were born. Now we are married they are still double barrelled and I haven't changed my name. Why should I? It's been my name for 40 years. I don't really Like my DH's surname and to be honest, I'd feel silly changing my name now, like I was someone else's property.... no way that's happening!!

@StarUtopia

This makes me giggle so much - sorry! What happens when your kids get married?! Do they then become triple or quadruple barrelled?!

That's a extremely childish post. Are you really s lacking in imagination or experience of other cultures where double-barelling is the norm, that you can't imagine a way to deal with this?

Children do get judged at school with a different surname to the mother/father.

That is not my experience. My kids have a different surname to me. Many of their friends are similar. It has never been an issue bar one school administrator who insisted on calling me Mrs theirSurname.

Although given your comments on double-barelling being pretentious and ridiculous, maybe you are assuming your own judgemental attitude is normal?

I kept my name until we had children then I changed it for ease of administration.

DH had no objections to me keeping my name so I felt comfortable, not oppressed, when I changed name later.

Also, his name is easy to spell and is nice. My name is unusual, I was sick of spelling it out and people getting it wrong.

Trying to change all your official papers and notifying clients of a name change while managing your first baby is not the easiest though. Should've done in the last trimester instead (but I was worried about notes getting mixed up or such like).