To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

*ASofaNearYou - that illustrates my point entirely. You do not accept that the name she has is now HER name, wherever it came form. So the children have taken HER name.

As I said - your outrage is based n the notion that a woman can never own her name, it is always a temporary label bestowed by the man in her life - father, DH.*

No, I believe that whoever takes on their partner's name at marriage, whether it be a man and a woman, is taking on that name because they identify themselves as a family with that other person. I think it is wholly unreasonable and unkind to expect a subsequent partner to accept that name for themselves or your shared children, for obvious reasons.

I changed mine because I felt like it.

Who cares whether another woman changes her surname? I certainly don’t.

@Awrite

Nope.

Never been given a hard time about it.

My dd has my name, ds has dh's.

No regrets.

That's the decision we went with, girls my last name, boys his. We only had girls in the end, all now adults. Divorced now, so very happy I didn't change - watching other female family members now changing back to their original names post divorce - I've never had to change a single document. You do have to stand firm against people trying to convince you that some magical spell on marriage has legally turned you into Mrs Hisname

I chose my husband’s name over my father’s name because he is the one I’d rather share names with.

To show we are united as one

So why didn’t he take your name? Same end result?

I was all ready to change my name when we got engaged then dh said he wanted to change his name to mine as his didnt mean anything to him (his dads a dick hasnt spoken to him in years and probably wont again) so he took my name.

People always do a double take when they find out but i am happy that i still have my dads name and a name that means something

I never wanted to change my name as I love my maiden name and it was a huge part of my identity. I still wanted one family name, though.

When I met my now DH he had a very normal, hugely common surname and I couldn't imagine giving up my surname for that. I still don't understand why I should have to be the one to give up my name.

I was silently working out options for myself when he, totally unprompted and without any knowledge of my conundrum, suggested we put our names together and make a new surname for the both of us. So that's what we did.

I appreciate we were lucky to have two short surnames that sounded good together. The making two into one summed up everything we wanted our marriage to be, really - the two of us maintaining our individual identities but coming together to form one family.

The point is that many women go along with tradition without ever questioning it.

This tradition comes from a very long time ago, where it signals ownership of the woman passing from the father to the husband.

We do not have to keep ancient traditions forever.

Marriage itself is actually a made up thing. People didn't always sign contracts to say they would be together forever. Marriage is another tradition that we need to question

@worriedwellworrier

All these replies saying ‘because I love my husband’ and it wanted us all to have the same name.’ That still doesn’t answer the question why did you all not take the wife’s name as the family name and does your husband not love you?

Because my DH has already named changed by deed poll from his bio father's name to his mother's. He has to have security clearance and a DBS for his job renewed every few years and the frequently cock it up with one name change - adding another name change for him would have far more bother than for me. I changed when I changed my address details as we moved a couple of months after we got married and I can't think that I have had do anything else since (almost 20 years) where as DH has used his deed poll docs at least half a dozen times since.

@Charlieiscool

I chose my husband’s name over my father’s name because he is the one I’d rather share names with.

You chose your father in laws name over your father's name, you mean. Why do women have names that seem to skip a generation (doesn't belong to you, it's your fathers) but men don't?

In Spain people keep their mother's and father's surname. Everyone in Spain has a double barreled name.

When I was in Spain, some people asked me why I only had one surname, and I told them that in the U.K. we take our father's surname. One man turned to me, looked shocked and said "but what about your mother!".

They say that there is nothing as dangerous as tradition, because people will often blindly follow tradition, without ever questioning it, or introducing new ideas.

Why do we keep doing things that our ancestors did, in an era when women had less freedom and rights? Lots of the ceremonies in marriage were designed to show women as objects, and that marriage was a ceremony where ownership of the woman was transferred from father to husband.

Some examples:
The father walking the woman up the aisle and giving her to the husband.
The woman taking the husban's name.

my issue is with taking her first husband's name, and then expecting her partner to be happy with his child having her ex husband's name.

Always about the men's feelings, isn't it?

IMO the expectation that someone will relinquish the name that links them to their entire family history and background is a very big ask. The fact that they are committing for life to one partner is a huge thing on its own, and is enough.

As for objecting to the PP's purely personal naming decisions, why take issue with this on behalf of their spouse who they don't know from Adam? It's bad enough when in-laws persist in taking someone's personal preference of identity as a personal affront. This doesn't affect anyone else, aside from which, if people didn't choose to relinquish their identities so readily there wouldn't be these issues.

I also disagree very strongly with the repeated assertion on this thread that names are not important or that they define nothing at all about a person's identity. They do. We might not have had control over names conferred on us by parents, but they speak very much of how we are identified. Why else would people get so irritated when their names are misspelled? Why is it so annoying when names are misappropriated as a slight? Ever said your name over and over again until it seems to lose all meaning? It's a slightly discomfiting experience. My identity isn't independent of my background: it's the name I grew up with and have always been known by (and it's the name on all the certificates I've ever been awarded plus publications, but that's really beside the point).

If names really didn't matter and truly did have nothing to do with people's identities then this thread wouldn't exist.

I didn't change my name. It's my name! I did ask if DH would take mine, and he would not. So we have different names and our children have both.

@aSofaNearYou, so, if you and your DP separate, will any subsequent children have a different surname to you and their siblings?

worriedwellworrier

"Similarly so many replies saying ‘I preferred his name’ and ‘I didn’t like my name’- it’s so odd that all the men don’t have the same thoughts. It can’t just be a female thing to dislike your name surely?"

"Precisely. It’s baffling. I think it’s our conditioning since childhood, this is what we have seen around us growing up, and in the society. This no one questions it and now people are “justifying “ it. We, as females, need more awareness and NEED to question the status quo more and not reinforce existing patterns."

@RedCyclamens - I can't speak for other people, but I am one of the people who hated their maiden name. I don't think it was a 'female' thing to hate the name that was used to bully me - I think it was a perfectly normal reaction.

Also, given that women can change their names on marriage, but traditionally, men do not do so, it may be that there are men out there who hate their surname, but don't say anything about it, because actually doing something, and changing it, would be so unusual and remarkable that it would draw too much attention.

Always about the men's feelings, isn't it?
In aSofaNearYou's case she is sad that she sacrificed naming her DC after her for her DP's sake. Whereas I didn't give a fuck about DP's or ExH's feelings when naming DS2.🤷‍♀️ My children have my name because that's the way I want it. The idea that I should change my name or give DC2 a different name to me and his brother is ridiculous.🙄

Always about the men's feelings, isn't it?

No, it should be about both of their feelings.

IMO the expectation that someone will relinquish the name that links them to their entire family history and background is a very big ask. The fact that they are committing for life to one partner is a huge thing on its own, and is enough.

I completely agree, the fact that it links them to their family history is exactly my point. Choosing one name or the other means that one parent will not get to have their family name attached to their child, and often both parties would like to. It's woefully unfair that as things stand, it's almost always the women that make that sacrifice, but what should not be in the mix is the family name of someone else who is nothing to the child, who one of the parents used to be married to. I think the DP in this scenario is well within his rights to not like that solution, in a way he would not be if he was objecting to his wife's own family name that links them to their entire family history. He is giving up the chance of having his child linked to his family name (which is, as you say, a very big ask), so that said child can be linked to a name that has no family history for his wife.

As for objecting to the PP's purely personal naming decisions, why take issue with this on behalf of their spouse who they don't know from Adam? It's bad enough when in-laws persist in taking someone's personal preference of identity as a personal affront. This doesn't affect anyone else, aside from which, if people didn't choose to relinquish their identities so readily there wouldn't be these issues.

I did say multiple times there was no need to continue the discussion further, as it's entirely her choice. She just made a comment laughing about explaining this choice to her DP and I said in fairness I don't think that is the same thing as expecting a man to accept his wife's own family name. I've tried to end the discussion several times, I'm not that invested, I just still think this decision was unfair to her partner.

@DioneTheDiabolist you didn't give a fuck about your DPs feelings when naming your joint child? "MY children have MY name"? Why does everything you say sound like DS2 is not also your DPs child? You sound like you just view him as yours. It should be natural for both of you to care about the others feelings when it comes to anything to do with him.

To answer your question if me and my DP divorced I would revert to my family name. But I would consider it much more fair for the children to have different names than for my subsequent partner to have to give his child my ex's surname. I just don't think that's fair at all.

I really think that women need to start questioning traditions that were introduced at a time when women had very little rights.

I didn't like my surname, so always planned to change it when I married, unless prospective husband's name was 'worse'. Luckily, my DH has a lovely surname, which goes better with my first name.

My surname really doesn't mean much to me, as another poster said on here about her grandad, my grandfather also made up our family name. When many people moved to England during World War two they were made to change their name to an English name. I know the original Polish surname, and I don't feel any attachment to that name either because no one in my family has it anymore.

I wonder if the surname I have now went further back in history, would I feel more attachment to it.

How far back do your surnames go?

if me and my DP divorced I would revert to my family name. But I would consider it much more fair for the children to have different names than for my subsequent partner to have to give his child my ex's surname. I just don't think that's fair at all.

So, to be clear, you would change your name. Your existing DC would keep their current name. Any subsequent DC would have a different name again.

You would not share a name with your DCs and they would not share a name with their siblings. Who is this being fair to @aSofaNearYou?

So, to be clear, you would change your name. Your existing DC would keep their current name. Any subsequent DC would have a different name again. You would not share a name with your DCs and they would not share a name with their siblings. Who is this being fair to @aSofaNearYou?

I would ask my DD if she would prefer to keep her name as it is or change or double barrel with mine if she was old enough. I don't have or plan to have any subsequent children but if I did, I would consider it more fair for all the children to have the family name of one of their parents, rather than the family name of my ex. That name would only be appropriate for my eldest. I wouldn't consider it fair on my partner or the subsequent child.

For disclosure, my family have always been passingly interested in genealogy which may colour my view, so if I were the second child, I would be unhappy to not have a name that reflects my own family history. In the hypothetical situation in which my partner had taken his ex wife's surname so still had it, the moment he wanted our joint child to also take that surname would have been the moment I stopped TTC with him.

My maiden name is my father’s name. A person who didn’t treat me very well and I’m in sporadic contact with since my teens. Was perfectly happy to give that name up. But too lazy to change my name in a work context.