To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

It didn't feel like 'losing my identity' - it's just a name, it doesn't make me any less 'me' having changed it. I felt really excited to take my husbands name - I'm quite traditional (but not old, 32), got married at 21 and to me it was a nice symbol of the marriage. It still makes me smile seeing "Mrs DH" on post etc. I like that we are a a unit with the same surname. DH I'm sure would have been happy to discuss alternatives, but I was happy to take his.

People may think its very naive of me, but I'm happy with it.

I really liked my husband's surname. I didn't hate mine but it was more of a mouthful, and often spelt wrong, etc. I did consider a double-barrelled surname, but it didn't really work with the two names.
I actually made my maiden name into a second middle name (via deed poll) so I kept it with me, although it's seldom used day-to-day but I like that it's still part of my full legal identity.

I have friends who picked the wife's maiden name and the husband changed his - I think that sort of thing is getting more common these days, which is great - it should be a choice/discussion and not presumed that the woman will change by default.

I intend to give my kids his surname if they get married that's not an issue to me at all, but I'll keep mine.

Who knows I might change after kids but - I suppose I just feel lonely sometimes at how few women seem to do it - in 2020 I just would have thought it be more common than it is

It is archaic, yes.

However, for me, I didn't have a good relationship with my DF or his extended family and had no attachment to the family surname. I actively wanted to feel like I had changed a bit of my identity when marrying DH. That didn't mean that I was "less me" but just that as a married woman I had a different identity to when I wasn't married. I didn't see that as a bad thing or that I had lost any part of myself.

I wasn’t going to change my surname - I loved it as it was unusual and non-English.

I changed my mind after my dad married his OW and she took on our family name. My mum and sister both also married around that time, so I was the only one left sharing their name. I realised that I’d rather be aligned to my husband and future kids than my dad. It actually felt much better than I thought and I like my name now - so much easier for others to spell and pronounce!

DH and I had long discussions about it. I was up for double barrelling, changing to either his or my name, or choosing a new family name all together. The only thing I wanted was for us both to have the same surname as any future children. I wanted us to feel like a unit.

He refused to budge, so I had to compromise. I tried double barrelling mine for a while, but the names didn't really go together.

This was 12 years ago; he now says he regrets his decision and is quite apologetic about being so closed minded.

A lot has changed in that time. Thankfully.

Because my surname was rubbish and DHs is not. Want my family to have same surname.

Incidentally, DHs sister swapped the other half of their double barrelled surname for her husbands, so she's now gone from say, Smith-Jones to erm, Smith-Taylor, to continue with my made up examples.

My husband asked me to , I wasn’t arsed either way but it seemed important to him and also marked the start of a new life / identity as a wife so I went along with it - took me ages to get used to it !

All these women who want the same name as your children, why don't you just give your kids your name without changing it?

My maiden name was genuinely bad, obviously not going to put it here but I was keen to get rid of it. Married 20 years ago and wasn’t such a feminist then. If I had been, I think a lovely idea is to invent a new surname as a couple I know have just done.

I changed my surname to DH’s. I changed it because:

1. DD already had his surname. We did discuss this before she was born but I was always for giving her his surname. Why his and not mine? Tradition I guess. I was 19 at the time and not very feminist at all.

1. I never felt massively attached to my surname. It wasn’t wildly unusual or common. Just a surname. From a young age, we hear about women changing their names when they get married. In my head, I always knew I would change it.

1. I like DH’s surname. It’s a nice, easy to spell surname. It goes well with my name. I prefer it to my original surname.

I don’t regret my decision at all.

I didn’t change my name on marriage... People find it strange that I didn’t and comment on it. That in itself annoys the heck out of me because nobody would even think to comment if I DID change my name.

I didn’t change my name for several reasons, firstly I quite like my name and it is my identity, entering the legal contract of a marriage doesn’t change my identity. I also couldn’t be bothered to change my name on my passport/license/bank and things like that!

My husband is from a culture where children have their fathers first name as their surname, we followed this tradition as out of all names connected to either one of us this particular name went best with daughters first name. This means we all have different surnames we carry a copy of daughters birth certificate and our marriage certificate when travelling just in case but have not had any issues.

Name doesn’t define a family

I took hubs surname but kept mine too because my DD has mine and didn't want her being the only one with a different surname here.

I changed mine so we had the same family name. We had long conversations about it and almost went double barrelled to keep both our names but I decided against it in the end as I didn't like the sound. My H would have been fine whatever I decided and it was a genuine and honest conversation. If I'd felt forced to do it I don't know that he would have been marriage material!

Because my father put pressure on me to do it, he thought I was being disrespectful to my husband be considering not changing it, and said he was disappointed in me and thought he had raised me to be better than that.

I changed mine partly because it's traditional, I wanted a family name, and also to move up the alphabet. Maiden name began with W, DH's name begins with B. You can get bored of always being last!

I have a very traditional colleague whose husband actually took her name on marriage. Her DH did not get on with his family plus her name is nicer.

Loads of people are saying "because I wanted the same name as my DC". Why didn't you give them your name?

Very much part of the culture i grew up in to take husband's name.

Now I'm more free from that environment, i wish i hadn't changed my name to his. Would still like the same name as husband and kids, but would probably have at least put forward a good argument for using my name as our family name instead of his.

Probably would have been disowned by my inlaws...(shrug)

Because I prefer his surname to mine.

I don’t really feel any great attachment to mine, tbh. It’s just a name.

I kept my name. Didn’t occur to me not to and husband didn’t have an opinion either way since it wasn’t his decision to make.
Am also, like OP, always amazed at why women change their names and why it is assumed that children will have their fathers surname even when parents are unmarried.
Our children have my surname. We discussed this first.

My maiden name was genuinely bad, obviously not going to put it here but I was keen to get rid of it if it was that bad why did you wait to get married to change it? Genuine question btw.

Divorced now but will never change my name again for a man. So it’s xh’s forever! Same as the dc, plus he’s a decent guy in many ways, so find mind too much. It’s also been my name for 39 years and like hell am I changing it again like some belonging.

If I had been, I think a lovely idea is to invent a new surname as a couple I know have just done.

I know a couple who have combined their surnames and it sounds great. DH’s surname and mine don’t really fit well together.

Children do get judged at school with a different surname to the mother/father.

Never experienced this. And I had a different name!

Maybe you should stop being so, erm, judgemental.