To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I changed mine as I really couldn't care less. It's just a surname and as long as the family we were planning all had the same one, it was fine by me.
I'd have been really weirded out at the thought of DH taking on my maiden name but then I can't stand my father and have been NC with him for years. Also think that DH taking on my maiden name (and any children we would have) would had fed DFs over inflated ego.x

I changed because my stepdaughter asked me to. She has DH’s surname, her three younger sisters have their dads surname and her mum has her maiden name as her surname, so three different ones. She asked me if I was changing mine and I asked why? She said it would be really nice to all have the same name and it would really feel like we’re a family. How could I say no to that? I wasn’t particularly attached to my maiden name - I’m not the last in a line, I come from a large extended family so plenty to carry it on. DH’s surname also links me to my cultural heritage, so no loss there. DH wasn’t bothered if I changed it or not, so it was my decision but an easy thing to do to make DSD happy!

I changed my name because-
I wanted to have same surname as dc
I like having same surname as dh, feels lovely to me to be Mrs so and so
I am quite traditional on the inside...

In general think go with the family name you like best, doesn't matter if from the male, female side etc. Didn't like my family name a lot.

I think it's nice and easier to have one family name. I don't understand those that don't want to change theirs but then give the children the other family name. My children would always have my family name.

I equally love my new surname as I did my childhood one. Do I de

I never really thought about it, it was just the done thing. I regret it a bit and if I had my time again I’d keep my surname and double barrel the children’s names. It is sexist and old fashioned IMO.

I didn't change my name when got married but as time went on and my children got older used married name more, was easier having same surname as children. Then moved job used new name... Bit by bit
Different things with banks, bills ect made it useful to have an ID in each name.

I changed mine as I had my dad's surname and he walked or when I was a baby and hadn't been seen since. So I had no emotional attachment to that name. Also my DH's last name was more interesting than mine.

If I had my mum's family name I probably would have kept it.

I’m in the process of changing mine after 3 years of marriage.

I’m pregnant and want us to have the same surname, plus people have referred to me using his surname since we got married so might as well get it right

His is a very uncommon, historic double-barrelled surname with a very cool history behind it, whereas mine was in the top ten most common UK surnames.

I wanted to have a whole family name when we had children. I’m glad I did.

I'm getting married next year and will change my name to my partners. Our faughter is currently double barrelled, and will change to just his surname.

I've always wanted to have the same name as a whole family.

Its his not my name, because it means far more to him, and i love him. I don't mind what my name is really.

However, i have told him i'm not changing it at work because i have a good reputation there. But personally, all our friends refer to us as 'the "his surname"s so i'm already used to it.

OP you say no judgement, but you are judging

@Danni290

Appreciate those who got married years ago things were different. But all of my friends have changed it - and we got married last year. I suppose I just get a bit down sometimes about how we work very hard as females to change so many things. This is only a small part of the struggle but these things add up.

This isn't a judgement, but I do think there are so many things that don't help females go against inequality, I'm not perfect and I play into some of these cultural norms too in other ways. Doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad.

Yep, depressing as fuck. So many women changing their names, happy to do so and to justify it. I changed just one of my two surnames and while I had my reasons it was definitely a compromise. As a passionate feminist I can't pretend it was a brilliant feminist choice. We are living in a patriarchal society and sometimes it's just easier to conform to the patriarchy. We have to pick our battles. But what depresses me most is when it doesn't even occur to a woman to keep her surname or give her own surname to her child(ren).

I was young when I got married and it's just what you did. Husband had nice surname and I like the fact we all have same surname.

Changed mine because my maiden name was just awful. No-one could pronounce or spell it and got tired of trying to explain it. I was happy to be rid of it. Briefly considered double barrelling but it's so pretentious and in any case my maiden name wouldn't have lent itself well to double barrelling because it's already a two syllable word. Plus landing DH with the hassle of it all. Not a good way to start a marriage.

My DH has a very common surname but I don't mind it. I liked being "Mrs X". I felt it meant that myself and DH were a proper family. Also the first letter of my surname is now the same as my Christian name so it runs together rather nicely.

Both my parents died very suddenly within a few years of my marriage. Having a new surname helped me stay sane and move on. I know it sounds bizarre but it helped me feel like an adult dealing with an unfortunate situation rather than a child who was left with no family. My DH was my new family. It helped me embark on a new chapter in my life which included becoming a Mum which was great. I would point out that I was actually still in my 20s when all this was happening.

Have been Mrs X for so long it would actually feel strange to go back. I have actually had my married name for longer than I had my original maiden name.

Because I wanted to.

Personal choice, changed it on my first marriage don't think I'll change it again when I remarry next year as want dd and I to be the same but then when she marries and exercises her own personal choice we may be different

@AnotherEmma completely agree and depressing is exactly how I feel about it.

It doesn't stop there either there's so many other things that don't help us at all. Things are getting better slowly but, I just can't see we will ever be on a level playing field if I'm honest.

Because I hated my previous surname. It sounded horrible, nobody could spell it, I didn’t like my initials - and my dad is toxic and not in my life.

I was so happy to get a new name!

I took DH's surname because I wanted the same surname as my children, preferred his surname and double barrelling wasn't possible. I do feel a bit sad that as there's just my sister and me (and her son has her DH surname) our surname will "die out" with us but I'm still happy with my decision.

I have a TERRIBLE maiden name, couldn’t wait to get shot of it. I do feel I’ve let the sisterhood down somewhat though!

Didn't change my name on either marriage.
Dont see why either party should change their name.
All 4 children have my surname, I figured that if I spend 9 months being pregnant, gave birth and then kept alive this new born it would definitely have my name.

I have yet to meet a man who thinks the woman should take his name who can articulate why she should take his name, rather than him taking her name.

I changed mine because I liked the idea of it when we married two years ago. I miss my old name though & will be adding it back in to mine & to DS’ name by deed poll so we will both be double barrelled.

But why not just give your children your name??

No idea why feminism is relevant given most people got their maiden names from men.

@LouisBalfour - I got married in the 90s and it was absolutely the norm.

I suspect it might depend on your social circle. I got married in the early 90's and it was much more unusual for women to change their name in the circles I moved in. Only one of my friends changed hers. Very few women who worked with me changed. Same with dh's workplace.

Where I work now, the majority of the older women kept their name but some of the younger ones have changed theirs.

My dd, when she was a child, once commented that it was an amazing coincidence that grandparents on both sides happened to share a name. The primary school my kids went to tended to attract less traditional families so most of her friends had parents with different surnames. Interestingly, the other local school was much more traditional and a lot more of the parents shared a surname.