To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Did not change my name and have zero intention of doing so. It is archaic and sadly because so many woman do, men seem to expect it. Sad state of affairs as far as I am concerned, carrying on the mans family name and not your own, really. As for the family name, that is a cop out, your DC can have your name or you can double barrell it. My DH would like me to change mine but I wont, my name is who I am and have no interest in taking on a blokes surname . Funny the number of woman who sent me congratulations on your marriage to Mr and Mrs his surname...shocking all round

The only way to stop this nonsense and hiding behind the 'family' name is for woman to stop changing there names on marriage. There are many men who have abusive fathers who dont go off and change there name on marriage but yet expect there new wifes to take on the name. Woman are good at coming up with an excuse or hiding behind it being a choice but bet if you were being honest it was something that wasnt even discussed as it was assumed you would change your name. I have ensured my DD is aware that she is more than able to keep her own name on marriage and if her DH so wishes he can take on hers.

I kept my own name. He considered taking mine but hasn't got round to it yet, and I don't mind either way. We don't want kids, but if we did have them, they'd take my name. As the one who would have to do 9 months of growing them and then pushing them out, I don't think that would be unreasonable.

Why did I take my husband's surname? Because - to me and I accept that it will be very different for others - it was almost a test of how committed I was to the relationship - was I committed enough to take his name? I should make it clear that it wasn't a test set by DH - he never even asked if I was taking his name.

I wanted to feel that in getting married I was in a partnership/on the same team and having the same name signified that to me.

Why didn't he take my name? I'd consider him feminist - I've heard him call out misogyny before, but even for a feminist man I think taking the wife's name feels too much like making a point.

Why didn't we double-barrel? Because I think double-barreled names are a bit irritating and our names sound a bit daft together.

For me, my identity is not my name. I simply can't relate to people who get worked up about their family name dying out - it seems very self-centered and self-aggrandising to me. The vast majority of us are meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

In my case, it is beneficial for my DC to have my current name. I am their mother. My 'maiden' name wouldn't be beneficial to them at all. Your point about TTC is a good one and what I told DP: if my womb is good enough, then so is my name.

I personally think it's unfair to ask a child to change their name because of the adults around them.🤷‍♀️

Havent RTFT. I changed mine because 1) it was the name of my violent alcoholic father who made my childhood a misery and then buggered off and 2) even if he had been the world's best dad, if was a really silly name that always raised a bit of an eyebrow and I wasn't prepared to inflict on any future children. DH has a very nice normal name.

I personally think it's unfair to ask a child to change their name because of the adults around them.

I wouldn't ask her to, I would ask her what she would prefer to do. That way it would be her choice whether she has the same name as subsequent siblings or not.

Never occurred to me to challenge the tradition at the time but I’d keep my own name if I married now.

Well, you would be telling her that if she wants to have the same name as her mum and sibling, she would have to change hers @aSofaNearYou. You may phrase it as 'her' choice, but it's not a great position to put a child in IMO.

@DioneTheDiabolist yes that is a choice she would have to make, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or try and push her into it. Chances are she would want to keep the name she has and that's fine, she loves her dad and there's no automatic reason for it to be a problem if she had a different name to me/her siblings. As long as both children have a name linked to their own family and identity I would be happy enough.

I didn't change my name, nor did my DH.
My dc have both our names (his as a middle name, mine as a surname.)

It works for me, I believe children belong to women more than men, I'm the one who sacrificed my health/body/career/sleep etc to raise them, I want them to have my name.