To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Honestly hasn't given it a thought, but got back from honeymoon and saw an electoral roll form which had my maiden name on it and it gave the option to show name had changed. I didn't even think about it consciously and showed it as changed. Didn't discuss it with my husband either.

Had I thought about it consciously I would probably have still changed it, partly having the same one signified us becoming our own family, partly for complicated reasons as to why although that surname has negative connotations for both of us so did all the options open to us that had some connection to one of us.

Marriage and most of the customs surrounding it are pretty archaic, aren’t they? Man proposes to woman, usually with sparkly ring; man sometimes expected to ask woman’s father for his blessing; woman is “given away” by father; man celebrates his last days of “freedom” with his stags; woman invariably wears white to show sexual purity; woman throws her bouquet to a lucky female guest because marriage is every woman’s real dream.

Even though many couples choose to see this stuff as symbolic more than anything, it’s still all in the roots of marriage, woman changing her surname isn’t really exceptional.

I changed it because:

I hated my maiden name because I hated how it sounded and it was a link to my wanker dad.

I loved my DH's surname, it sounds friendly and open and approachable.

It's the "done thing" and never occurred to me not to.

I think it would be a much better system if daughters took the mother's name and sons the father's. Then everybody gets to pass their name on. And if it's an only child, well, you get a 50/50 chance.

@Danni290 - I see where you're coming from because it does upset my husband and feel like I'm being selfish but I still don't get it. It feels like a major loss of my identity to do it. I feel like I'm being an awkward cow but I just don't understand why it's such a common thing in this day and age where women seem to be so independent why most people go along with it.

Tbh, I would struggle to respect a man that was upset by me keeping my own name. I'm married nearly 30 years and never considered changing my name. Dh never expected me to change it either.

Only regret is that we didn't really discuss which surname for the kids and just went with his. They all have my surname as a middle name but I kind of regret not using both as a surname. Loads of their friends on primary (it was a school that attracted less traditional families) had both parents' surnames.

I have to say, I'm amazed at how many women still change their names. If anything, it seems more common to change now than it did when I got married.

I did not change my name, I am no ones natal! When my husband confessed before we married that he would quite like us to have the same name I graciously offered him the opportunity to change his name to match mine. He equally graciously dropped the subject.

Hated my surname before marriage, also don't particularly like that side of the family so was a no brainer

Because I wanted to.
I like that me, DH and our DC all have the same last name. My maiden name would not have double-barrelled well with DH’s name. It’s not a tradition that offends me. I am happy with my choice. And it was my choice.

Wanted one family name. In my family EVERYONE is divorced and remarried, and I had changed my surname in early adulthood because I'm estranged from my father. So taking his surname was really meaningful for me.

Because I love my husband.

I found it very difficult to change. All the reasons you said. I did change because I wanted us to have the same name and the same as our children. I didn't like double barrelled names. I realised that doing the expected t hing is actually easier than choosing my name. DH would have changed but didn't really want to as it would be weird. At least for me it wasn't a weird thing to do.

I changed mine simply because I preferred my DH's surname.
My father's name is unusual and a bit odd and I'm happy to be rid of it.
It doesn't make me any less of a feminist.

pinkyredrose because it would’ve upset my family and I preferred mild embarrassment to hurting them

@OchonAgusOchonO yes it annoyed me initially. He says now he likes it but I think he says it becasue he has no choice lol.

He also was upset initially because I think it made him feel embarrassed, his friends would say they'd never marry a woman that didn't take their name 😱

Sadly many men feel the same, at least men I've come across. Very, very sad.

Because I wanted to.
Because my maiden name is awful.
Because I wanted us to all have the same name as a family when we had kids.
Because he is quite traditional and expected it to happen and I didn't object to that.
Possibly some other reasons lost in time...

@ScarMatty

Children do get judged at school with a different surname to the mother/father.

Never experienced this. And I had a different name!

Maybe you should stop being so, erm, judgemental.

This. I have never judged any child I have taught for having a different surname to siblings/mother/father. I just make sure to always check our system to get the surnames and titles correct.

Combination of a lot of reasons already given really. In principle, I should have stuck with my maiden name but...

My maiden name was unusual and I was bullied about it at school. Having an unusual surname makes you easy to track down and I received nasty emails from an ex boyfriend's new girlfriend at my place of work which was embarrassing and upsetting. Far nicer to have a more common surname with the anonymity it brings. My DH's family would have been hurt and offended if I hadn't. Wanted to have the same name as my children.

I decided to change it because his name was nicer than mine. Actually when it came to it I didn’t want to do it and it took me a year to charge over my bank accounts etc. I kept being sent cheques in the name Mrs Hisname which I obviously couldn’t pay in. I wish I hadn’t changed my name but having said I would I felt like I should go through with it. As a slight compensation I’ve kept my maiden name at work and my passport has a note that I use both names ( in the unlikely event I ever travel abroad for work). Half my friends don’t know my married name.

DH and I both changed our names legally - double barrelled with my name first (because I always come first ) but professionally/socially we both use our original surnames. DH's family struggle with this and CONSTANTLY call me Mrs 'his surname' which doesn't register as my name so I end up ignoring them.

We changed so when we have children we can all have the same name.

@Danni290

I see where you're coming from because it does upset my husband and feel like I'm being selfish but I still don't get it. It feels like a major loss of my identity to do it. I feel like I'm being an awkward cow but I just don't understand why it's such a common thing in this day and age where women seem to be so independent why most people go along with it.

YANBU You are not being a selfish or an awkward cow (do you think your husband has ever worried about being a selfish awkward twat for keeping his name?!) He is being very unreasonable to pressure you about it.

On this thread people are going to give you all sorts of reasons but the fact is that women change their surnames because of patriarchy, and social pressure and expectations.

I've had two surnames since birth and I changed one of the surnames to DH's after we got married. The main reason for doing that was indeed to confirm to sexist social expectations (and he didn't change his surname to add mine). But I wasn't at all attached to one of my surnames (for reasons I won't go into) and didn't mind changing it. I would never have dropped both surnames though and felt very strongly I should keep one.

I also insisted on giving DC both surnames.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

What do you mean by "get a hard time" and how many men have actually given you a hard time, @Danni290?

I married 4 years ago and didn't change my last name but not one single person has ever commented or made a point about my choice.

What sort of person would be rude or nosey enough to discuss your adult decision? Probably not someone you'd call a friend.

@AnotherEmma ed about being a selfish awkward twat for keeping his name?!) 😂 I love this!!

Because I hated my maiden name. It was a real mouthful and I had to spell it out two or three times every time I was asked it.

Plus was completely smitten at the time and wanted dh’s name.

I was always aggressively passionate about keeping my own name - why should I change just because I don't have a dick

I did change it.

I went NC with my paternal family and don't want to be associated with them. My in laws have been more of a family than mine ever were. Plus we now have children so I want us all to have the same name

@daisychain01 husbands friends, colleagues, society - I went to a ceremony once and they changed it through assuming I'd changed it?! I was like -'erm no, change it back right now' lol