To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I hated my maiden name - it was used to make a nasty nickname that was used to bully me for all 5 years of secondary school. I was so happy to lose it.

@Chocowally - this didn’t feel like the area to focus my individual battle with the patriarchy. I’ve picked my battles to be equal childcare responsibilities, shared household work and emotional load. Work in progress.

It doesn't have to be a battle. Dh assumed (correctly) that I wouldn't change my name. We didn't care about having the same name.

I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't going to be a partner, so equal childcare responsibilities, shared household work and emotional load went without saying. Loads aren't always 100% equal in all areas at the same time as we have different commitments at different times but overall, it works out pretty equal.

A few reasons

1. I'm pretty traditional and it never occurred to me to not
2. my maiden name is hard to pronounce and I could wait to get an easier surname that I'd never have to repeat / spell 3 times over for someone to just get it wrong anyway
3. I wanted a family and didn't want my children to have a different surname to me

It just happened gradually and was easier. I was maiden name for some things and married for other which got a bit confusing!

my issue is with taking her first husband's name, and then expecting her partner to be happy with his child having her ex husband's name

ASofaNearYou - that illustrates my point entirely. You do not accept that the name she has is now HER name, wherever it came form. So the children have taken HER name.

As I said - your outrage is based n the notion that a woman can never own her name, it is always a temporary label bestowed by the man in her life - father, DH.

What do women on here think about asking men to change their surname to ours?

@OchonAgusOchonO

Not a battle with DH (Though there are those sometimes ) but with the cultural and social norms that have shaped him (and us all).

On the face of it DH and I are very equal, Eg we both work reduced hours - 4 days each to manage our family life with small DC. But for every effort we make as a partnership, there are multiple external forces and expectations eg employers who don’t view both parents equally or a childcare provider who assumes the mum is the main contact.

Does your DH lead in an area of your life that still often falls to women?

I change my name because both my first name and surname had loads of vowels in, so sounded soft and girlie.

I have a semi-serious job, so I wanted a surname with more consonants, to take away the little-girl vibe of my full name.

Not a battle with DH (Though there are those sometimes grin ) but with the cultural and social norms that have shaped him (and us all).

I see what you mean. But to be honest, we've never really had many of those type of issues. When mine were young, he was the main contact for the childcare provider as he did most drop-offs. He was always the person phoned if one of them was ill or whatever. Both of us have flexible jobs so time off/work from home with sick children depended on who could do it on any given day and it was/is the same for most of our colleagues. I do recognise that we have been in a fortunate position though.

Does your DH lead in an area of your life that still often falls to women

It varies. At the moment, he definitely does more housework than I do and I'm not quite sure where the iron is stored whereas he actually irons.

I kept my maiden name professionally for a while as it made sense, but otherwise I was more than happy to start our family life with his name. Couldn’t have explained why at the time, but now I know that changing name was the first step in acknowledging and separating myself from the EA I encountered as a child/young adult.

We are still married 26 years later, and very happy 😊

To show we are united as one.

I hope in the (not too distant) future that if couples choose to have the same name it becomes the norm to combine surnames to create a new one - surname version of Brangelina... Pitlie

@YewHedge

To show we are united as one.

Double-barrelling would do that better. It's a merger not a take-over (Wish is double barrelled tbh)

OP I agree the 96% figure is totally depressing, but it is a skewed sample. Of all women, those who care more about/think more about the patriarchy are less likely to get married. Changing names is part of the tradition of marriage... presumably the majority of women who get married aren’t too bothered about the system those traditions are built on, or at least don’t think about it much. Those that do think about it are the ones having the conversations about whether they or husband should change names, or whether to double barrel or create new name etc, but you can see they’re in the minority.
Then there is the fact that it is just an easier life to go along with tradition than rock the boat and do the ‘weird’ thing. So to be a man who takes a woman’s name is an out there extreme statement thing, and even most progressive men don’t want to make that kind of statement.
Finally there is the fact that at the same time women have gained more equality, marriage has become a massive industry that it never used to be, so we have the traditions of it sentimentalised and shoved down our faces in popular culture so much that people are conditioned into thinking these traditions are romantic, growing up dreaming of a white wedding etc.

I double barrelled my name as I was always going to keep my name and quote common in his culture

We divorced I was quite sad to give up my new surname name I was attached to it (maybe more so than to him)

I didn't. And my husband is judged and mocked for the choice. Yep. Patriarchy is still intact

@waitingforadulthood - I didn't. And my husband is judged and mocked for the choice. Yep. Patriarchy is still intact

Judged and mocked by who? How recently did you get married?

I have to say, I'm a bit shocked to hear that. I'm married nearly 30 years and dh was certainly never judged or mocked over choices I made regarding my name. Mind you, most couples we know, neither changed their name. But nobody thought anything of it either way other than to make a note what to write on christmas cards.

His surname was better than mine.

All these replies saying ‘because I love my husband’ and it wanted us all to have the same name.’
That still doesn’t answer the question why did you all not take the wife’s name as the family name and does your husband not love you?

Similarly so many replies saying ‘I preferred his name’ and ‘I didn’t like my name’- it’s so odd that all the men don’t have the same thoughts. It can’t just be a female thing to dislike your name surely?

I haven't changed mine and I never will. Even my title is still Miss.

@worriedwellworrier

All these replies saying ‘because I love my husband’ and it wanted us all to have the same name.’ That still doesn’t answer the question why did you all not take the wife’s name as the family name and does your husband not love you?

This!

@worriedwellworrier

Similarly so many replies saying ‘I preferred his name’ and ‘I didn’t like my name’- it’s so odd that all the men don’t have the same thoughts. It can’t just be a female thing to dislike your name surely?

Precisely. It’s baffling. I think it’s our conditioning since childhood, this is what we have seen around us growing up, and in the society. This no one questions it and now people are “justifying “ it. We, as females, need more awareness and NEED to question the status quo more and not reinforce existing patterns.

I changed my name because it's a really unusual name that i has never heard before and really liked... when I introduced him to family and friends a few of them said - 'omg you have to be Mcgongal 'x' once day'- it was too funny not to.

I also wanted to share my name with my children, and my family surname was made up by my German grandad, so it doesn't have much history.

It's tradition and one I wanted to keep with.