To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

@OchonAgusOchonO

Therefore I would be called Mrs "his name" through default by teachers, doctors, etc.

Not if you introduce yourself with your own name, although there is the occasional ignorant person who refuses to use your name (looking at one of the school secretaries). Most people, if you correct them, will use your name.

Yes, but as I said, I really didn’t give a flying about being mis-names. I have no loyalty to my maiden name or desire to keep it.

@Gatehouse77 - Yes, but as I said, I really didn’t give a flying about being mis-names. I have no loyalty to my maiden name or desire to keep it.

And I was simply pointing out that your assumption that you would be mis-named was incorrect. Most people have sufficient manners to use your name.

Why should we treat what men do as the default template for women's lives

Isn’t it more that we should treat the freedoms that men have as one of the benchmarks for our own? Men are not pressured or expected to change their names. Women are. It takes emotional labour for many women to keep their names. Constant attrition from ILs. Accusations that they are not taking marriage seriously etc.

Others, like women citing issues with their father or family as the main reason, seem to be mostly ignored - I guess those reasons are fair enough to those who think we're all just foolish

It is wholly understandable that women wish to separate their identity, insofar as it is connected with their name, from an abusive father. The question is not why women DO do this but why men seem not to? Also, there may be fewer women wishing to shed the surname of an abusive, negligent or absent father if women did not routinely give their children the names of these men.

I don’t think name changing in marriage is as big a hill to die in as monitoring women’s place in our legal and financial systems but when generations of families are named through the male line that pretty much is a quality of a patriarchy, surely!

Gatehouse but you are married to someone with your brother's first name - or did you ask him to change that?

I'm engaged and would prefer to keep my surname however I think this means I will have to be a Ms which I'm not keen on.

Mrs Maiden name to me sounds like I won't be married to my future husband.

I changed mine and wish I hadn't. Wish we'd gone for a combination of the two but it didn't occur to me. Bit late now as we've been married over a decade...

Kayaking you can be referred to by whatever title you want. Be Mrs Original-name.
It's your birth name not your maiden name.

As in your ex husband took your name? Fair enough if so.
No, as in it had been my name for fifteen years. DP never knew me by my pre-marriage name.

I never considered not taking my husbands name, though several of my friends kept theirs, a few because they were well known professionally. I wanted us to all have the same family name, I wanted to feel married, and I liked being called Mrs X. My husband also wore a wedding ring, which he didn't in his first marriage.

I wanted us all to have the same surname and preferred his to mine. He was happy with either name.

I had an embarrassing maiden name! Couldn’t wait to get rid of it!

But you did wait. You waited until you got married!

@Pipandmum - as you all wanted to have the same surname, did your DH not consider taking yours? Not sure what the significance of your DH wearing a wedding ring? Neither DH or I do but we’re still married.

Because it made things easier for.is all to have the nam. E.g. Hospital letter said baby x, husbands name was y, x was my name, army have hubby a hard time as they said it wasn't proof it was his baby. Baby x needed an operation just after paternity leave ended, as soon as it said baby y they were happy to let him have time off ( I know we could have argued but sometimes it's just easier), flying between countries can be harder if you don't have same last name, so if kids had same name as me it would be asked for me, but then harder for dad.

Honestly it was something I really was.bothered about I just wanted my baby to be ok and my partner to be there (we weren't married when the baby needing operation happened)

@ILoveFood87

I'd keep my name. My brother in law was saying how my nephew should just have his surname as its tradition. Had to remind him they are not married so if its tradition he wants my nephew should just have my sisters surname.

It's only a recent thing where a child takes the father's name if the parents are unmarried.

Traditionally, as you say, when a child is born to unmarried parents, then the child takes mum's surname.......

And the reality is that in general, children take mum's surname anyway. If the parents are married, then mum's name is often the same as dad's name, but the child is still taking mum's surname. I can't recall exactly, but I believe the legal default is that children take mum's name.

First time round 23 years ago it was traditional and I wanted same name as my then husband. Wouldn't have occurred to us for him to change to mine.
2nd time round my dw and I chose a completely new surname for us both as we didn't want to carry on using either of our ex husband's surnames and didn't want to return to maiden names as don't have any links to our fathers.

We double barrelled ours as it seemed the most fair. I didn't want to give up my identity and find the the practice of taking a man's name problematic as it's just another example of patriarchal bs in my opinion. However I appreciate most so it without thinking or because it's tradition. I'd never judge someone who chose to tale their husbands name - most of my friends have.

@MulticolourMophead your post made me think of the Supremes song "Love child"'which has the lyrics:
I shared the guilt my mama knew,
So afraid that others knew I had no name.
which shows the idea that without a father married to your mother you were viewed as without name (as a youngster I thought they literally hadn't given her a name, which would be kind of rough!)

[quote Hangingbasketofdoom]@MulticolourMophead your post made me think of the Supremes song "Love child"'which has the lyrics:
I shared the guilt my mama knew,
So afraid that others knew I had no name.
which shows the idea that without a father married to your mother you were viewed as without name (as a youngster I thought they literally hadn't given her a name, which would be kind of rough!)[/quote]
Which just goes to show how much the idea that a woman's name doesn't matter is ingrained into our society. Rather ridiculous, actually.

Because my maiden name was very boring and dull, my DHs is more aligned to our heritage.
Because I was just swapping one patriarchal name for another.
I tried being double barrelled at work for a bit but I really disliked that, it felt wanky to me ( and then your children’s children have 4 surnames potentially)
I wanted to have the same surname as my kids, my parents divorced in the 1960s when it was unusual and I still remember being embarrassed that my mum and step dad had different surnames to me.

@inchoccyheaven I do think your solution of choosing a new surname is a great option.

Because I married a prick.

I don't know why i did. I guess I just didn't think about not doing it, I thought it was just the done thing?
I don't regret it or dislike it so doesn't phase me tbh

My eldest has his dad's surname so either way I never had the same name.
Mine and dhs child had his surname as I was pregnant with our 2nd. So we've all got same name except eldest which he's not bothered he has always been given the choice of he wants to be known as the same as us. He said no its just a name.

@Kashtan - and then your children’s children have 4 surnames potentially

Really? Do you not think some of the cultures (e.g. Spain) that tend to use double barrelled names have come up with a solution to this one that could be used?

Because I didn't like the one I had for a variety of reasons. Now it's my daughters name too I won't ever change it again even if we divorce.

@inchoccyheaven - First time round 23 years ago it was traditional

Very much depended on your social circle. I'm married nearly 30 years and around that time, hardly anyone I knew changed their name. That includes friends and work. Where I work now, most of the older women kept their name. More of the younger ones changed.

I do think things have regressed in some ways.