To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Multicolour I think there has probably been a regression regarding feminism in general amongst younger women (there are exceptions obviously). Maybe because there is so much surface equality they don't see the issues so much.

@DidoAtTheLido No it isn't, my issue is with taking her first husband's name, and then expecting her partner to be happy with his child having her ex husband's name. I would have no issue with it if the name "came" from her family. It is a sad thought to me that my child doesn't carry my family name, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up for anything less than my partner's family name.

I changed mine because I didn’t want to share a name with my abusive family.

It is wholly understandable that women wish to separate their identity, insofar as it is connected with their name, from an abusive father. The question is not why women DO do this but why men seem not to?

That observation is interesting to me. My father was less abusive than an out-and-out sadist, but it was my brother who once seriously considered changing his name to our mother's family name. I married, and never even contemplated changing mine (or using 'Mrs').

We talked about this much later and agreed that for better or worse this was who we were, and that despite not having had the easiest of starts we hadn't tuned out too badly so would wear the name with pride. It's ours as much as it was his.

My brother changing his name to our mother's actually has more logic, IMO. Her family history is after all inextricably linked to ours, and we have many happy memories of our grandparents. Had I changed mine on marriage I'd have been exchanging my link to our family history for one which wasn't mine. That makes zero sense to me.

Living in country of husband's birth, seemed to make sense to have a "belonging"-sounding name.
For my step-son, so that we all shared a family name. His mother only double-barrelled hers and reverted to her maiden name after the divorce.

my issue is with taking her first husband's name, and then expecting her partner to be happy with his child having her ex husband's name.
No, my son has my name. When DP brought it up, I asked him what my "maiden" name was and he didn't know. ExH was also weird about it, but they both had to suck it up.

I would have no issue with it if the name "came" from her family.
I would have issue with it as my mum's name was as problematic as my dad's. So no need to feel sad for me or my children, we are fine and I am more than happy with my choice.

I would have issue with it as my mum's name was as problematic as my dad's. So no need to feel sad for me or my children, we are fine and I am more than happy with my choice.

I don't feel sad for you or your children, I feel sad for their dad who didn't get a look in while your ex's name did.

I didn’t change it and I’m glad I didn’t. We’re very happily married three years on under our different names. Any children we have won’t automatically take my husband’s name, we will work something out that suits us both.

It is a sad thought to me that my child doesn't carry my family name, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up for anything less than my partner's family name.
It's a sad thought to me that you would have liked your child to have your family name, but you didn't give it and instead sacrificed it for your partner's. I am happy with my current name and glad I gave it to my children.

I never saw it as necessary and DH would have been happy either way but DH has a much more attractive surname than either my maiden name or my mother's maiden name, so I changed to his.

A female friend had a much more attractive surname than her now DH and he opted to change his to hers.

Admittedly that second example is a more rare situation but in both cases it was purely on name "aesthetics" - the name that was chosen was the preferred option. In my case my married name looks nicer written down, it sounds nicer when said out loud, my first name 'flows' with it much better and so I was really happy to change. Very normal happy family background in my case too, no wanting to get away from anything negative. I don't feel any less part of my birth family for changing my name.

Surnames mean nothing. They are nothing to do with who we are. All surnames were made up at one stage.

My surname was made up just two generations ago. My grandfather moved from Poland to England, and legally changed his name to an English surname. He just picked one. And now I have that surname. I don't feel any attachment to it at all.

I am not married yet. If I did get married I would think about keeping my own name, but if he had a nicer name than me , I would consider taking his.

I do understand what you are saying - why should the woman always have to take the man's name? We just keep doig it, without questioning it. It is another area where women are considered second best.

A right to a name is a human right, I don't think they mean nothing.

@Hangingbasketofdoom yes but they don't define us. You are you without your surname

A surname does mean something if you’re into genealogy.

I changed my name when I got married again. My previous name was very unusual, and I was fairly well known locally. Once mid smear test the nurse looked at my form and asked had I been on the Today programme earlier. I had and it made me feel very self conscious.Then next hospital appointment the technician said was I the xxxxx who wasxxxx. Changing my name gave me privacy, but I wasn’t a national celebrity .

[quote aSofaNearYou]@DidoAtTheLido No it isn't, my issue is with taking her first husband's name, and then expecting her partner to be happy with his child having her ex husband's name. I would have no issue with it if the name "came" from her family. It is a sad thought to me that my child doesn't carry my family name, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up for anything less than my partner's family name.[/quote]
The DC did not take on the ex husband's name, they took on their mother's name.

Once their mother changed her name to match her ex husband, that name became hers as much as his.

I wanted to. And I wanted to have the same name as DS who was 10 weeks old when we got married. And my maiden name was the source of many ‘jokes’.

@LadyCatStark if your husband changed his name to yours, your family would all have the same name. Why did youhoose to change yours to his?

@FippertyGibbett but many people change their surnames. When many foreigners come to England, they anglicise their surname.

My grandad anglicised his surname when he came to England, and it has passed on to me. So it means nothing to me. If anything I feel angry that my family had to change our surname to a more English surname to fit in. It feels forced

[quote Sarahpaula]@FippertyGibbett but many people change their surnames. When many foreigners come to England, they anglicise their surname.

My grandad anglicised his surname when he came to England, and it has passed on to me. So it means nothing to me. If anything I feel angry that my family had to change our surname to a more English surname to fit in. It feels forced[/quote]
So change it back by deed poll if you’re that bothered by it.
My maiden name means something to me because of all those who went before me, and their surnames mean something to me too.

@FippertyGibbett surnames just mean nothing to me. People change them all the time, marriage, when they arrive in a country etc.

I would like to be like Cheryl ( the singer)and just go by my first name. All my social media accounts are my first name and middle name

My reasons:

Reason 1, first marriage, I took his name as I hated my maiden name and liked his. He actually offered to take my name as I was the last in the family line, but I preferred his and it would have looked silly as a double-barrelled name anyway.

Reason 2 - got divorced from no1; when I married no2 I didn't want to keep the ex's name that I was still using, nor did I want to go back to the maiden name I hated. So I took no2's surname.

No brainer really.

We both changed. I refused to give mine up, he was attached to his so we double barrelled them because I didn't want us to have different names to any future children. 20 odd years and 2 children later I love our name, it's unique to our little family.

I took my husbands name because we wanted to have the same name and this didn’t feel like the area to focus my individual battle with the patriarchy. I’ve picked my battles to be equal childcare responsibilities, shared household work and emotional load. Work in progress.

[quote Sarahpaula]@Hangingbasketofdoom yes but they don't define us. You are you without your surname[/quote]
They don't define us but you said they are "nothing" which isn't true, they are part of our identity