To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

Surely most surnames are patriarchal, so you can have the name of a man your mother chose, or the name of a man you have chosen. I went for the latter because I wanted to have the same name as the rest of my family. Importantly though, my husband would not have been upset if I had kept my maiden name - as far as he was concerned it was my choice. I am Ms though rather than Mrs, as i'm not happy to be defined by my marital status.

@Danni290

I see why you'd change if you hate it but all the women in the world surely can't hate their surnames. It appears many do it just to keep the peace. It makes me sad that we are trying to fight for so much equality but these basic principles are still the 'norm'

+1 for this and all your previous comments! Totally agree with this and I have wondered about this too. How come men don’t hate their “maiden” surnames, why it’s by default that the children will get father s surname, why so many women don’t question this tradition.

I got married the other day, I took my husbands name because it's much cooler than mine lmao

Yes, most surnames are patriarchal ( argument by a lot of posters that it’s either the father’s or the husband’s) BUT they can start to be a choice i.e. fathers or mothers, only when mothers start keeping their names after marriage and the child will get an option to chose.

Another thought on when we say, “I dint like my maiden name”, in that case did you think about taking up your mothers name if you liked that better?

Also wondering, that the fathers of females who dint like their maiden names, liked their names enough to stick to it and did they ever think about taking up their wife s surnames if their names were common or not great?

I'm getting married next year (should have been by now, thanks COVID!) I'm taking my H2Bs name because I...want to! I love my current surname but I can't wait to take his

@RedCyclamens absolutely agree, it's about shaking up the old tradition. Ultimately it's about the right to choose to keep a part of the identity you grew up with rather than becoming part of someone else's. A lot just put up with tradition to keep the peace.
@Kashtan The thing about kids have quadrupled barrelled names in future is a non issue imo they can just choose whichever they want to go with.

I don’t think it would have occurred to most of the women I know, young and old, to keep their name. I got a few raised eyebrows at keeping mine now 8 think about it.

It was useful when dh and I worked in senior roles in govt. I heard things about him and vice versa that probably wouldn’t have been shared otherwise!

No, as in it had been my name for fifteen years. My partner never knew me by my pre-marriage name.

So you happily took your ex husband's name, and then second time around expected your partner to be happy with his child also taking your ex husband's name, and railroaded him into thinking he was being anti feminist if he didn't like it, even though the name came from your ex husband, also a man? Your poor partner.

So you happily took your ex husband's name,

Yes, see my first post on this thread. And so it became my name.
then second time around expected your partner to be happy with his child also taking your ex husband's name
No, I expected him to be happy with my child having my name, the same name as his brother, my other child.
and railroaded him into thinking he was being anti feminist if he didn't like it
No told him he was being ridiculous to expect me to give our DS a name that was no longer mine.
even though the name came from your ex husband, also a man?
Most women's names come from their father, who is usually also a man.

Your poor partner.
Your poor comprehension skills.🤣🤣🤣

@DioneTheDiabolist I understand everything you've said, I just think you've picked and chosen when to make a statement in a way that suits you but is a huge ask from your partner and I think that's an absolute dick move. It's one (perfectly reasonable) thing to expect your partner to consider giving your joint child your maiden name, entirely another to be so unbothered by equality that you chose to take your ex husband's name, and then suddenly care about it when it means your partner has to accept not only not having his family name attached to his child (reasonable), but to have your bloody ex husband's family name instead. There's no point arguing with you, you sound pretty patronising and can obviously do whatever you want, but yeah I would have laughed you out of the house for suggesting this 😂

I certainly did do these things to suit me. Why wouldn't I? It would have been a very unreasonable thing to expect me to give DS2 a name that he shared with neither of his parents or his brother. I had very good reasons to change to name on marriage and not change it back. I and my children benefit from not having my maiden name, no way was I going to inflict it on them.

You would not have laughed me out of the house because it is my house, my children, my name.🤣🤣🤣

I was a really hard decision as a 1970s feminist (I married in 1983). The reasons were

1. it's simpler
2. the children have my name other than daughters who marry
3. I was about to start my first job as a lawyer so I did not have years of professional reputation in a maiden name. So I did not change my name when divorcing 20 years on as it is the name of my firm, my children, my books, my website etc.

My surname was my biological father’s. He is a useless waste of space who I barely know. It wasn’t something I was keen to cling on to. If DH and I should end up getting divorced, I will keep the name I have now, because it’s the same surname my DS has.

Honestly? I don’t know. Right up till the second I was married I never even considered it. Then I did it

I really wish I hadn’t. It’s been 8 years and I still don’t feel like a Ms MarriedName.

I changed because of traditions and didn't give it much thought apart from what a pain it was with passport, driving licence and bank stuff. It was a long time ago and just what most women did. Used to joke about making a double barrelled surname but sounded to long! Anything goes now and I wouldn't judge either way. A cousin of mine decided to take her mother's maiden name and is sticking with this name because she likes it.

I certainly did do these things to suit me. Why wouldn't I?

When it comes to a joint child? Because there are two of you and you both should matter?

It would have been a very unreasonable thing to expect me to give DS2 a name that he shared with neither of his parents or his brother.

Is your DP not his father then?

Whatever, you do you.

It's something I feel quite strongly about. Women and their ancestors "disappear" from family histories because of name changes. Family trees always follow the male line- how hard it would be to follow the female line when names change-and women only get mentioned in terms of their relationship to the male line.
My children have my name too which DH is very happy with. It's actually not a particularly nice name. I find all the "didn't like my old name" arguments a bit spurious. There surely must be men who don't like their names but I know only two men who have changed their names ( and one of those double barrelled).

@aSofaNearYou, DS2 has his father's name, he also has my (DS1's, ExH's) name. None of us have my maiden name.

I only changed mine so I didn't have to spell out my name every time I give it! It's wonderful to just say my name without any hassle now!

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@inchoccyheaven* - First time round 23 years ago it was traditional*

Very much depended on your social circle. I'm married nearly 30 years and around that time, hardly anyone I knew changed their name. That includes friends and work. Where I work now, most of the older women kept their name. More of the younger ones changed.

I do think things have regressed in some ways.[/quote]
I agree with this, the younger women I work with have all changed their names (and often changed them back again a couple of years later when they split up) and the ones I know who kept theirs have been older women.
My wish is that I had not been so conventional with the dcs' surnames , and we had double barrelled.

Snackbitch for every woman thinking like you, there's another one changing their name because their dh's is more exotic, interesting and hard to spell

@dani290 I kept my name, and my daughters got my surname. Their dad was totally fine with that. Didn't appear to offend or inconvenience anyone. The type of people who would have an issue....don't concern me anyway.

Hangingbasketofdoom I think the younger generation are regressing as far as name changing goes. In my extended family, all of the females in my DCs generation have changed their name on marriage, mostly without even thinking about it.

My DD is the youngest female, and is very much aware that I don't regard name changing on marriage as necessary. She wants to keep her name, doesn't want to change it. I've never changed my name and have no intention of ever changing it.

ASofaNearYou

Your outrage at Dione is based on the idea that women can never have their own name, only a label borrowed form whatever man she is in a relationship with at the time - father / daughter, husband / wife.

This is not an assumption that is made by or about men about their names. Their name is always 'theirs'. Why cannot a woman, once she changes her name, own that name for herself, on her terms?