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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

240 replies

cannotbebotheredanymore · 24/08/2020 23:11

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 25/08/2020 21:43

You might as well be room mates if you’re not sharing a bed as a couple and going to bed at the same time in my opinion. If your sisternoticed no problem I imagine he has just got used to the freedom and comfort of having his own bed and he is Milking it for all it’s worth!

Chachacha90 · 25/08/2020 21:47

My husband has started snoring again after a few years of it being solved (weirdly it was immediately after having his tonsils out)

Honestly it is awful to have such interrupted sleep while he just sleeps through. Lack of sleep just makes me pissed off and irrational.

It’s ok to feel sad, but maybe this is the only thing that will get you both through.

copperoliver · 25/08/2020 22:14

My partner snores, we don't sleep together, he doesn't like it but I feel it's selfish of him ,to expect me to sleep in the same bed and get no sleep.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/08/2020 22:15

You might as well be room mates if you’re not sharing a bed as a couple and going to bed at the same time in my opinion

You don’t need to share a bed. We get down to it on the sofa before we go up, or he’ll get into my bed for sex then go back to his for sleeping. Absolutely no need to be within 6 inches of someone else while you’re unconscious (or trying to be!)

Mangofandangoo · 25/08/2020 22:18

I had an ex who used to grind his teeth in the night - I didn't realise how much it was impacting me untill we broke up and I realised how badly it had been affecting my sleep

Oly4 · 25/08/2020 22:23

My DH snores but it’s so much worse when he’s overweight or been drinking. I hate it

haveyoutriedgoogle · 25/08/2020 22:49

@BubblyBarbara

You might as well be room mates if you’re not sharing a bed as a couple and going to bed at the same time in my opinion. If your sisternoticed no problem I imagine he has just got used to the freedom and comfort of having his own bed and he is Milking it for all it’s worth!
What a sad view you have then of the things that make a relationship. Going to bed together and sharing a bed even when it means one person gets interrupted or no sleep? 🙄 The sister was probably being polite.
MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 23:04

@BubblyBarbara I quite agree. Bonkers situation

cannotbebotheredanymore · 25/08/2020 23:18

My sister was definitely not being polite - she’s 21 and tells it like it is haha! As do my friend (I’m 25). We do stay in my bed together until he goes up and yes he helps with the night feeds. If we do go away though it’s hard because he absolutely will not share a room with me so will only go if we book two rooms or a lodge with two rooms - which is more expensive.

OP posts:
Stinkywizzleteets · 25/08/2020 23:22

I can’t sleep because of my partners snoring and heavy breathing. I dont think it’s bonkers that he sleeps elsewhere. I get undisturbed sleep (toddler aside) and he doesn’t get elbowed and told to shut up all night. It saves our relationship in my mind because otherwise we’d be sleep deprived and grumpy and blaming each other. You don’t have to sleep right beside someone to show you love them, find them sexy and want to be with them.

Giraffey1 · 25/08/2020 23:35

If he has only ever slept with you for one night, how on earth does he know you are a snorer? It’s not like he has tried but given up ....

whiplashy · 25/08/2020 23:39

are you overweight? My DP stopped snoring altogether when he lost a significant amount of weight

cannotbebotheredanymore · 26/08/2020 03:44

@whiplashy currently yes, as had a baby 4.5 months ago and gained a lot during pregnancy. However I wasn’t when we met and I still snored then.

OP posts:
MilerVino · 26/08/2020 08:19

@Giraffey1

If he has only ever slept with you for one night, how on earth does he know you are a snorer? It’s not like he has tried but given up ....
I know both my parents snore. Haven't shared a bed with either of them since I was a small child but I have slept in an adjacent room and you can hear it from there. The mystery is how either of them actually get any sleep because it's bad enough with a wall in between you. My mum then has a go at my dad for snoring and my dad points out she also snores. Frankly I think they'd have a much better marriage if they slept in separate rooms, a corridor apart. They do have the rooms to do this.
CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 08:24

I can't share a bed with my boyfriend. I do every now and then but I don't sleep well at all - usually awake until 3/4am. I'll do it occasionally because it's nice to wake up with him but generally he's in the spare room when he stays at mine and that's just the way it has to be. Thankfully he isn't selfish and doesn't mind at all because my sleep and well-being is more important to him.
It doesn't mean the relationship is bad or doomed. Count your blessings and stop pressuring the man.

TheSoapyFrog · 26/08/2020 08:36

I'm the snorer and have learned that some people tolerate it better than others. My ex fiance used to wear ear plugs or sleep in another room. Before that, he got so angry one night that he elbowed me in the face and i got a black eye.
My current partner doesn't mind it sleeps through it.
Personally I wouldn't mind if he didn't want to share a bed - I like having it to myself.

BubblyBarbara · 26/08/2020 15:56

Going to bed together and sharing a bed even when it means one person gets interrupted or no sleep?

That is the least a man can do. What is he going to do when there's a baby and nappies to change etc? Oh he will just be sloping off to "his room" and avoiding it no doubt. It is essential you draw the lines and make him sleep in the same bed as you to avoid this nonsense.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/08/2020 16:47

@BubblyBarbara

Going to bed together and sharing a bed even when it means one person gets interrupted or no sleep?

That is the least a man can do. What is he going to do when there's a baby and nappies to change etc? Oh he will just be sloping off to "his room" and avoiding it no doubt. It is essential you draw the lines and make him sleep in the same bed as you to avoid this nonsense.

They do have a baby you total numpty
Imworthit · 26/08/2020 16:56

Ask him to nap with you or cuddle an hour before bed. Or even maybe weekends when he can sleep whenever. That way you get snuggles.

grey12 · 26/08/2020 16:59

My dad snores and my mum always said she had so many sleepless nights that made her more tired, irritable, old looking

If he really loves you and you can afford having an extra room, why not? Do try to keep the romance going other ways

Imworthit · 26/08/2020 17:02

So this is weird but my partner and I have two double beds beside each other. He talks in his sleep, snores loudly and flails. I've been accidentally hit in the face more times than I can count.

This way I can hug him to sleep but roll away if he's getting loud, too hot, he's stolen all the blankets etc. Also means I didn't have to kick my dog out of my room when I met him.

Mega Bed looks rediculous but so worth it.

MrsOldma · 26/08/2020 17:05

@Imworthit mega bed Grin no space for mega desk then????

morefun · 26/08/2020 17:05

My ex snored and I had to sleep in another room or I couldn't sleep at all. He got to keep the big comfy bed, snoring away, whilst I had to go to the little spare bed. I find it hard to sleep with snoring going on, and assume your partner is the same.

HappenedForAReisling · 26/08/2020 17:05

OP, I snore because of throat muscles relaxing too. I have a CPAP now and DH says I never snore now when I was terrible before.

TheBusDriver · 26/08/2020 17:07

Do you have sleep apnea?