He won’t sleep in the same bed as me

[cannotbebotheredanymore]

Totally ready to be told I’m being unreasonable here - in fact maybe then I’d stop being so upset about it.

Partner refuses to sleep in the same bed as me. We’ve been together for two years and have only shared a bed once. Admittedly, I snore. I take sedating mental health medication at night and I cannot change it (trialled so many, only one that seems to be working and it is not an option to stop right now without losing the will to live).

At first I hated it - I’d been with someone for years before and we had always shared the same bed. Well, until things got bad. I’ve also shared a bed with my sister recently and my friend in the past year. Both have said my snoring isn’t really bad and that they sleep fine through it.

When I’d ask him at first to try sleeping with me, he would get in bed in a huff and then I would literally lay there trying to not even breathe. If I breathed too heavy he would get irritated - and he still does now!

I’ve got used to it but it makes me sad and embarrassed. I’m only mid-twenties and it feels very odd to be going to bed in separate rooms every night.

We’ve got a baby now and I sleep in with the baby and he has his own room.

Tonight we are at his mum’s house for the night. He fell asleep on the sofa and I suggested he go to bed (in another room) and he said yeah he will. I said maybe I could come in with you? And he just said ‘I’m tired’. I said but we could both sleep in the room tonight? And he said ‘you and DS can’. I said I wanted to sleep in with him and he just said ‘I’m tired, I won’t sleep’.

Don’t get me wrong the relationship is good, sex life is good and we spend loads of time together - but this part of the relationship just doesn’t feel right to me at all... and I’m tired of it.

I know realistically I can’t really do anything about it because I can’t come off this medication (I didn’t snore before it). He says he can hear me through his headphones and earplugs.

I know if he can’t sleep with it it’s my own fault but - AIBU to feel upset about it?

[quote MrsOldma]@Imworthit mega bed no space for mega desk then????[/quote]
Only a vanity table and built in cupboard. Desk is in the living room... Not condusive to sleep.

I'm waiting for someone to ask if were singers tho 😂😂😂

Me and DH always start off in the same bed, but we are both quite light sleepers.. so if he wakes up he will go into the spare room half way through the night. Or if he starts snoring I’ll give him a little nudge and he’ll go to the spare room.

We’re both very happy with this arrangement... I love stretching out and taking over the whole bed. We both get a better night’s sleep.

We do however always start off in the same bed.

Snoring is common but it is not normal or healthy. Go and see your GP. And yes, have a sleep study done.
You probably don't even know this but your airway is being obstructed and that is what causes the snoring noise.

Mid-20's or not, you're audibly snoring and it's not healthy. Your friend and sister that slept with you probably held the real truth from you so as not to hurt your feelings about something you can't help and they knew you were going to move in with your partner soon anyway. But help is available. Seek it today.

Your partner is not being unreasonable and he wants a quiet room. You can't be quiet in the bedroom so therefore you are the problem. Why don't you film yourself sleeping or use a phone app to record the sounds your make when you're asleep. Then listen to it. Would you want to try sleeping next to that?

People saying it's awful that you dont share a bed have clearly never suffered from insomnia! I have always been a bad sleeper and have definitely had more nights apart than together from my DH of 9 years. Our marriage is very happy and we have no issues with intimacy. My husband could sleep 14 hours in a 24 hour period where I am lucky to get 5 or 6. Nothing can beat the rage you feel as an insomniac partner listening to someone else snore loudly beside you when you try to get to sleep. I am horrible to sleep beside too, I toss and turn all night, have a full routine with eye mask/audiobooks on about 4 times during the night. Theres usually a phone in my face at some point. Your partner doesnt sound particularly gracious in dealing with it (absolutely refusing to share rooms etc) but I do not blame him for needing space at night.

If you've only slept in the same bed once then he's hardly given things a try!

WTF IS IT WITH THESE BLOODY ZOMBIES?!!

@Mummyoflittledragon

WTF IS IT WITH THESE BLOODY ZOMBIES?!!

I don't know. Do people think they are clever reviving them?

@Defenbaker, my ExH and were like you and your DH. It was hell. Even in separate rooms, his snoring was loud enough to wake me sometimes, and loud enough to keep me awake if I woke up for a wee or anything.
I used to come downstairs and spend half the night on the sofa quite regularly, just so I could sleep.

He was so loud that one summer morning, when I came back from walking the dog and he was still asleep, I could hear his loud snoring before I even turned into our road. He had the bedroom window open because it was it was a warm night, and I could hear him from 40 yards away.

YABU, OP, and you shouldn't take it personally. There's a reason why sleep deprivation has been used as a form of torture!

It must feel horrible for you, but awful for him too if your snoring keeps him awake. If he can’t sleep through the snoring and you cannot change your meds or do anything to stop the snoring, why would he share a bed? He needs to sleep too.

He could try earplugs, sleeping meds, learn to tune out the snoring but maybe he just prefers sleeping alone?

I found it very hard to share a bed when I first lived with a partner. It wasn’t just his snoring but his breathing, his moving around, the way the mattress compressed as he moved. I took sleeping tablets for a while but he refused to accept or address his snoring so I left eventually.

Even now, I wake easily and even my DH turning over can wake me. In the early days I put a pillow between our heads to muffle sound/act like a screen! He thought this was very funny, like a Victorian bolster! But it gave me privacy and quiet and at some point we stopped bothering with the pillow. If he snores I just poke him and he rolls over without waking.

Would your DH be willing to try a similar graded approach? Some people use snoring as an excuse and really it’s the vulnerability of sleeping in a shared bed that deters them. My friend, when she was moving in with her first partner, asked me what does she do if she needs to fart in bed! Another was afraid she’d be seen looking awful when she woke up. Could he be scared of the intimacy?

There was a similar thread on the Relationships board last week, posted by someone who was afraid that her need to sleep alone would be a problem in relationships.

Sleeping separately should really be normalised. DP and I sleep separately - snoring is only a part of that, but I find it near-impossible to sleep with someone else in the bed and he's a very light sleeper who'd wake up at any movement. It was obvious that sleeping in the same bed would just result in both of us being perpetually tired and irritable. Sleeping separately has had no detrimental effect at all on our intimacy, sex life or relationship - in fact it's probably strengthened all of them.

I do get that there's a hurdle to overcome - we're taught to equate sleeping together with proper intimacy which just isn't the case at all. DP felt a little rejected when I moved in with him, but within a month was sleeping in a separate room. But he got on board very quickly when he found that his quality of sleep shot upwards as well.

Is five months old a zombie? Its still warm!

It isn't anyone's fault certain noises grit my teeth snoring is one.
Can he compromise some nights and leave when you fall asleep.
Sleep is very important to me I'd be cranky it would jeopardise our future.

Ffs didn't spot date. 🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️

Some people are just not designed to share a bed. I use to snore but now i've lost weight that has almost disappeared. However my DH is a light sleeper and i toss and turn all night. He is like an oven and i like to be cold in bed.

We've had different bedrooms for about 6 years now love it. DH no longer spends time kept awake wishing he could shut me up and i no longer feel like i'm sleeping in a sauna.

We do sleep in the same bed when we go away but even then if we can book a room with two double beds we will do.

I can understand your frustration but I am a very light sleeper and I sleep so much better in a separate room to my fiancé because of his loud breathing, snoring etc. If there's no other problems in the relationship, having a cuddle before bed and then going to sleep in a separate sleeping space doesn't sound bad to me at all.

Just realised this is an old thread 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ah we started off sharing a bed every night and then one or the other would sneak off to the spare room depending on who feel asleep first because we both snore.

We both had hurt feelings like you until we realised we'd rather have good sleep and a happy relationship than force us to share every night. Now we just sleep wherever's convenient that night for us, if we fall asleep in our bed together then great but neither of us are offended by waking up to the other one having taken themselves to the spare room.

It feels weird at first because society has drummed the whole "not sharing a bed = relationship breakdown" into us but it can absolutely be a good thing too!

Really unreasonable, coming from a snorer. You need to let it go.

DH and I have slept in separate bedrooms for the last 4.5 years or so, except on holidays.
I have anxiety which is exacerbated when I'm sleep deprived, and I am also a light sleeper- the creak of a floorboard and I'm awake and that's WITH ear plug, so sleeping next to 6ft 3 DH who can snore for England was never going to work. For the sake of my mental health and our relationship separate bedrooms was the only way. I think we both felt a bit sad sometimes as we are both still young(ish) and obviously the 'norm' is DH and DW in the same bed. But when our DD came along we realised how practical separate bedrooms was- allowed someone to actually get some rest and a lie in too and we've never looked back. We don't talk about it openly though and I would be mortified if our friends and family found out- it does feel like a really taboo thing...

I can see why you're upset but as a very light sleeper I understand why your partner wants seperate rooms. You have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Personally I don't think it's that unusual I've known a number of people do it for various reasons x

It’s very common to sleep apart, we have done for pretty much our entire relationship as I have a sleep disorder (parasomnia) and DH is a light sleeper that works shifts. Separate rooms is great! I can’t see the issue here, he clearly can’t sleep next you, neither can my DH. It’s really not natural to share a bed-historically it was only the poor that did.

I think sleeping apart is understandable. Can you find a way to gain the closeness you want without him being unable to sleep.

He should have the baby half the time though! Unreasonable to expect you to do all the night waking.

It's very difficult to sleep with a snorer. However, my DP snores and I don't embarrass him and make him feel bad about it.

We sleep in the same bed but I drown him out with white noise - could that be an option to try?

Op

YANBU.

Completely natural to feel sad and lonely about it, which is not saying that you don't respect him needing to sleep alone etc. I do think your OH could be a little more sensitive about it.

To me it sounds like you are feel the need for greater intimacy in your relationship. Perhaps he would be happy to cuddle and pillow talk in bed before one of you returns to your own room to sleep?

Or perhaps you can find other ways of ensuring you have this intimacy in your shared lives. You are right not to force shared rooms and are supporting his needs in not doing so, perhaps he can support your need for greater intimacy in others. Probably take a little effort, but perhaps if you explain it to him in these terms he will be receptive. I certainly hope he would be.

Have a think about how else you could fill this need for quiet intimacy and physical closeness with your OH and then discuss it with him. Reassure him you are not criticising his need to sleep alone and continue to support it, but that this is an area you need support in too. Try and articulate why it makes you feel lonely at times and see if you can come up with a solution for both of you to have some time together which meets your needs without affecting his need to sleep alone.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to make your partner sleep deprived because of it. If everything else in your relationship is good, accept that separate beds keeps it that way, as him being tired and irritable will inevitably ruin that. My husband snores, my Fitbit shows me the difference in my sleep quality when he's on nights compared to when he's home and it's an eye opener! Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, it can also be incredibly dangerous if he's driving etc too