My OH and I are in a bit of predicament with my OH's mum/my MIL.
I could go on and on in regard to backstory, but I'll try and keep it brief and then on to the most recent issues.
Our DS is 6m old, he is our first and was born 6 weeks before lockdown, we have been getting pressured by MIL since I was a few days postpartum to have him overnight, this has not and will not be happening anytime soon, covid or not, but I was pretty distressed by her doing this when I had only had him days earlier and was just getting to know him aswell as myself in my new role as a mother ~BUT~ I did not assert myself and just kinda white-noised her then cried once she had left. She has not let the issue of having DS overnight or on her own (what is the obsession of separating mother from child?) even though this isn't an option due to covid and also neither my ds or I are ready for that. She is also pretty relentless telling us what to do and trying to get us to raise our DS the way she did my OH again white-noise, smile and nod. My partner and I are very much on the same page and have been trying to be as diplomatic as possible whilst walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat - his parents are the only grandparents and we have both not wanted to do anything that could result in our son being isolated from them, but his mum is incredibly domineering and can be volatile.
In regard to lockdown it actually done my partner and I a world of good in the sense of allowing us some distance, relieving us of MIL pressure. We have become a pretty solid and harmonious family unit and have really got to find our feet as parents, we know how we wish to raise our son and even though he is a lockdown baby he is a pretty self assured and confident baby.
As lockdown rules have began to ease, my MIL has been able to now visit our DS and to hold him (she requested to see him in person countless times during lockdown, but had not been socially distancing so we did not want to risk it) and this is where things have went awry. She put my child's hand in her mouth, like full on in her mouth. It was just her and I in the room when she done it the first time, I was totally aghast and taken disgusted, regardless if there was a pandemic going on or not, I am not okay with her doing this. I have struggled to assert myself with MIL, but thankfully in this instance my motherly instincts took over and I told her to stop and I then took DS to washed his hands, I thought that would be that. It wasn't she has done it a further three times, the second time was the next time she visited and she done it when I left the room in front of my OH who had the same reaction as had previously. The final time she did it we were in her shop and in front of one of her employees, I instinctively said no hands in mouths and my partner took DS away to wash his hands. This was also the same day she allowed said employee to touch my DS's face and then asked if she would like to hold my son!! Again, my partner was not present (in bathroom) and I had to pipe up and say no, my MIL then started laughing. To clarify, covid is not the sole reason I am uncomfortable with having my son passed around. My oh and I both feel it's important to respect his personal space/autonomy and to teach consent as second nature, but I didn't feel that that was the time or place to get into it, however we have tried to be as informative as possible prior to this instance (whilst walking on eggshells) about our parenting style/choices while giving some grace for people (MIL) to acclimate, she has ignored everything to date.
After the last incident, my partner I decided our eggshell tactic was not working and we had to advocate for DS and set some clear boundaries. We decided to start with one boundary at a time and address what happened with DS's personal space, then if/when she oversteps other boundaries in the future clearly address it then and there rather than rehash/bring up everything in a one(y). I should probably note my MIL has zero regard for anyone's boundaries and it's something my OH has struggled with inti adulthood.
MIL visited us last Sunday and nearing the end of the visit we brought up what happened when I stopped her employee from holding my son, we explained it was not covid alone that prevented this from happening that we were not okay with our DS being passed around in any circumstances and tried to explain why, we were sensitive about our wording to make sure she did not feel attacked. To put it simply she went off her head. She began by being very patronising, tried to turn it around on me (just me) and then began yelling (at me) but I'm front of DS (OH and I have never yelled in front of him) so I finally asserted myself and told her to either stop yelling in front of my child or she had leave my home, my partner also stepped in and she left, yelling as she went.
She messaged my partner a couple of days later saying I attacked her, he defended me, reiterating the situation and I think gave her some home truths which probably didn't help, but on the other hand was probably needed. We have heard nothing since and honestly I have no desire to see or speak to her, but worry I am doing a disservice to my son, but don't know what to do if she won't respect us or our wishes as his parents, I fell that would be a bigger disservice to DS? I also have zero desire to come between my partner and his mother and I have told him that.
The worst part is, if she has an issue with us, which now does then she will go out her way for the full family to also have an issue.
I really don't know what to do going forward.