Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

I don't think it's unfair. Your daughter had £500to spend on herself. The others got money so they could probably buy groceries or pay rent.

I hate to say it as I do completely see where you are coming from, but you ABU - the expenses of going to university are just so high. It's not like they will be buying lavish treats and rubbing them in you dc's faces. It's tough trying to support yourself for that amount of time. Presumably your dc have the extra support of staying at home with minimal expenses; I always resent my friends who were able to do this and save for a house deposit/wedding/holidays more readily and I was the one who felt penalised for going to uni. Swings and Roundabouts.

Whilst I understand your feelings, I don't think your mum is being unfair. Going to Uni is incredibly expensive and I agree with your mum, you need all the help you can get. Your children are earning whilst the others will have huge debts.
You need to address why you feel inadequate - is it really that your family only value academic success or how you feel?
I hope it works out but I don't think your mum is in the wrong.

*resented

No I don’t think your mum was being unfair, she gives all her grandchildren money, even if slightly different amounts.
I think this is more to do with your low self esteem around not doing well at school and your own children not being academic. That’s not your parents or your sisters’ fault and it’s not yours either. It’s just how it is.
Just as you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for not being academic, your sisters and their children shouldn’t be made to feel bad for doing well at school/uni. It’s just how it is.
I’d let this one go. I think your mum is probably a bit hurt too

Sounds fair to me. You go uni you get money to help as it costs a lot.

You don’t need a lot of money if your still living at home with mum and dad.

Of course educational achievements should be rewarded....that’s how most of them end up with high earning incomes. I warn a standard wage because I never furthered my education, because my family didint care about education and I wasn’t allowed to go uni because we couldn’t afford it.

@nettytree for her birthday ....

I’d assume the others will get this too on their 21st and money for uni ??

It’s wrong. I HATE grandparents picking and choosing which grandkids they help/support. One set of mine has always played favourite and like you say, it makes you feel inadequate. They started doing the same with mine and now we rarely see them.

Your mum's contribution will barely make a dent in the almost £30k debt they'll have just from tuition fees, and if they're studying full time then any job they get might just about cover basic living expenses but no more. I see what you're saying but I do think YABU.

It's not totally fair but it depends on whether she sees it as a reward for college or a helping hand for a time they're going to be strapped for cash. I think some of th he problem is kind of with you though. Firstly you are keeping tally obviously (sorrybut you are), and the fact that you didnt tell about your daughters grades because of what others had tells more about you. Maybe your mother would have been congratulatory, maybe she wouldn't, but you're attaching value to how they achieve. (And I'm really sorry and it's not a huge deal but I think you need to know you're doing what she either is or what you think she is doing)

Yanbu. She's rewarding those who are academically gifted. It's unfair not to treat the gc equally in spite of what they choose or are able to achieve in life. An exception to that would be hardship, if one genuinely needed help in form of a hand out loan in order to pay bills etc. Sadly you can't control what your mum does.

Well done to your dc for passing English I've been there with one if mine with maths and was over the moon when they finally got the pass. It's such a big achievement. Tell your mum and be proud.

Sadly university students do need a lot of financial help these days.

I do understand it is expensive, and I do acknowledge that it’s my problem , I just wish I didn’t feel so inferior.
They do only value academic achievement.
Mum over the years mention people’s DC and talk about “ how bright “ they are ,
Or drop in conversation things like ,so and so down the road I was talking too
“ her DD went to Oxford “ even though it’s irrelevant. She wouldn’t have mentioned the daughter if they had worked in a shop I expect.

It’s hard to explain , like a drip drip over the years
of hearing comments like this

I’m quite happy to be told I’m wrong !

Your mum has explained that she is not rewarding high achievement, but helping the gc as they move away from home. I presume your dc still live at home. Maybe when they leave home, she will give them something.

Certainly have a conversation about how you felt second best, but don’t focus on the money. You say your mum has given you money before so she has supported you financially (as she given the same amounts to other family?). I think the financial gifts to the gc has resurrected your feelings of insecurity.

I do see your point. Whilst they will need money in the short term at uni, they are likely to be able to get a higher paid job with a degree compared to having a few GCSEs. Your daughters could arguably need that money more in a few years.

To be honest, I think this is more about you than about your mum. You have put yourself down several times in your post. Going to university or being academically clever is not the only thing in the world. Your mum is not rewarding academic success, she is helping out with costs that other grandchildren don't have. She's being incredibly generous, and it sounds like she is always very generous, but it comes across badly that you are complaining to her about the way she chooses to spend her money.

I agree that it is not about the money - although that is exactly what it sounds like, and I think you owe your mum an apology for that. It is about how you feel about yourself, and you are projecting that onto this situation.

YABU. It's her money.

Hi Valerie, I can completely understand why you are feeling upset. Perhaps your mum could have said that she was making a contribution towards rent, for instance, and that she would do the same for your DC when they leave home. I think it is important for your mum to have clarified whether the money was a contribution towards cost rather than a reward for their achievements. In your shoes, I think this distinction would have influenced my feelings towards it. How was the gift explained? (Sorry if I’ve missed this abs it’s been explained already).

A bit off topic but you write very well indeed; I’m shocked that you only scraped 2 GCSEs. Must have been more going on there than simply not being clever... Be kind to yourself x

I understand why you feel this way
Really , I do
But i do agree that this is your insecurity playing you here
And again ! I understand why

I’d make peace with
Mother and use it as a chance to open a bit how you feel

I think you are being very unfair to your mum. If your daughters had lived away from home to study she would have been just as generous, you said as much.

I’d probably agree with the notion of moving out = more. It’s likely if your girls move out, or meet someone etc they’ll get a generous amount too. Living at home they don’t really have a need, and she’s been generous, if not equal.

I can see that it's tough but Uni is very expensive for young people and many DGPs like to help out financially if they can. My own DPs give my DS and one of his cousins a monthly allowance now that they are at Uni for which they are very grateful. Another cousin will never go to uni, or be able to be self sufficient but is supported in different ways, by paying for a holiday for example. One of the cousins is doing a seven year degree so will obviously get 'more' money over the years ... so you could argue that they are all being treated 'differently' but that would sound really mean spirited.

If your children were getting the greater amount would you be as concerned for others?

My son has his relationships with his grandparents and the other grandkids have their own relationship with the grandparents which is nothing to do with DS - what he does with them is nothing to do with DS.

One thing though is does everyone need to know who is getting what though? I have no idea what DS's cousins are getting when it comes to money and I doubt they know about DS.

I do think YABU

my in laws had a fund for the GC. Mainly it was used for those that went to uni, to help with the extra expense.

Occasionally it would fall outside of that, like my son starting his own business, they helped with some start up costs.

It was their fund though to dole out as they saw fit, and the children were never aware of it as such b

I completely agree with you @Valerievalerie

I think it’s fair, OP. University is expensive, and lots of grandparents want to support their grandchildren’s education.

FWIW, the rule when I was growing up was that you got full support while in full time education of any kind, but nothing if you weren’t working towards some kind of qualification. The amount of support depended on the need, so would naturally be more for university. I kind of thought that was normal.