Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

I understand your point of view but disagree with it. YABU. Your DM is not rewarding academic achievement. She is just helping them out a little in a situation where they will be away from home with additional costs.

As you said, you weren't treated any differently for your lesser educational achievements. Your DM is not being unfair. You need to re-frame this situation in your mind as your DM helping out her GC with their additional costs and not as rewarding them for their qualifications. She is not penalising your DC.

You need to seek help for your lack of self-esteem and feelings of envy and/or jealousy. You want your DM to acknowledge your feelings of inadequacy. Why? She didn't make you feel that way. You say yourself she didn't show you any less love or treat you differently because you achieved lower exam grades. Why lay this at her door? You have already shocked (and probably upset) her.

You say So not sure what I should say to mum . You've already said too much. If you say anything, make it a sincere apology for misunderstanding her actions.

Why don't you do something more practical like take up studying something you are interested in to get that sense of self-achievement from passing exams?

I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.
Really? You are putting your child down by not telling her GM about her exam pass. Do you think that will give your child confidence? What message does that send to your child?

You need to make your mum recognise the value of success in other areas of life.

How might one do that?

YABU, the money is a gift to help the children through university, your children are not going so don’t require the money. I think you were cheeky to bring it up tbh, it’s not like your children are neglected by the GPs they still receive very generous birthday gifts.

I think the fact your daughter got a 4 the third attempt is an outstanding achievement and you are underselling her by not sharing that achievement with her grandmother based on your own lack of self esteem/shame which you may pass on by hiding it. I do not think it is unfair-they have increased costs, but think your childhood experiences justifiably have made things appear unfair. Remember you have done well in life and so have your girls. But please share their successes-which they are.

I can understand where you are coming from. All my siblings went to university and did very well indeed, and I...did not. We have had very different life experiences. (I had a health problem in my teens and twenties that derailed my life spectacularly.) I am lucky enough to be fairly able so when I got better some fifteen years later, I was able to step into a professional role outside of the usual routes. But I don't have a degree, or the financial cushion from those fifteen years of earning and saving and living that sort of life and I will always be different from them. In my family, they have tried hard to make it ok - and I love them for that - but there were of course so many slights and dismissals and petty hurts over the years. Unintentional perhaps, and explicable - as people have explained this one to you - but still painful.

But you know, alongside wanting them to try to accommodate my feelings, I had to work on that myself as well? The way I healed from those slights was to think about my own values and accept myself as I am. I am this person and not another and I have done my best with the life and challenges I got. I have lived up to my own sense of what is a good and successful person in the world and knowing that, I am not pained any more by the reminders that I am not living up, quite, to someone elses.

I do think it's worth trying.

YANBU. It represents where you stand in the pecking order and its hurtful.
I say this as someone whose SIL was given thousands for her house deposit and wedding, but DH got absolutely nothing. My nephews have had more spent on them over the years at birthdays and Xmas too. They think I haven't noticed but I have.
I think a lot less of them than might otherwise have been the case.

I got about 5k from my gran when I turned 20, while I was in Uni. I used that money to further my education. My dsis received the same amount when she turned 20 too, also when she was in Uni, but don't know how she used it. I have no clue if other cousins received the same, but I assume they all did. Both me and my sister were away from home, so 5k meant a lot. But all my other cousins stayed home. I wonder what they used the money for, when they live at home and all expenses and education paid by parents.

This is definitely more about you and how you feel /felt about yourself. You've brought up 3 kids. That's an achievement in itself.
What stood out to me was your choice of language... Your daughter was awarded her grade 4. But the A levels were "given". Now that may be nothing just an interesting choice of words.
Be kind to yourself.

I agree with you, she should treat them all the same.

This seems to relate directly back to your parents‘ lack of support for you as a child. It seems like you think they wrote you off thinking you weren’t clever, although reading your posts, I don’t think you're thick! I think you need to tackle your resentment for this more than how they’re now treating your dc.

YANBU. It's a basic rule of both parenting and grandparenting not to pick favourites and not to give gifts or money in a way that is divisive. Of course it creates tension and bad feeling, no matter how much uni costs. Her intentions were good, but it's pretty much always misguided to give one child or group of children more because they 'need' it more. See threads ad naseum about wills.

@BendingSpoons

I do see your point. Whilst they will need money in the short term at uni, they are likely to be able to get a higher paid job with a degree compared to having a few GCSEs. Your daughters could arguably need that money more in a few years.

But you can't know that.

I graduated in 2010 and the jobs market was shocking. I had to struggle to get a job on £15.5k, as decent paying jobs were mopping up candidates with experience over graduates - including school drop outs who'd been working for years.

And that's before you even consider the debt. My eldest two siblings had grants, my older sister only paid £1k tuition fees, and I paid £3k, plus expenses. Still paying it off now to the tune of hundreds a month.

There were people at school I could hands down beat in every test who outearn me. I don't have a problem with that. But there no crystal ball for these things.

YABU, but I can understand why you feel that way.

Think of it as a gift for a milestone.

I'm sure she'll give generous wedding gifts to any grandchildren who get married, and it won't be a slight on those who are romantically unsuccessful or who choose not to marry.

I think it is too soon to say if she will treat them all the same financially, have your children moved out of home yet? There might have been money put aside to help them then rather than at 18. Or when they buy their first house.

2 things that stood out for me, 1 be proud of your daughter’s 4. Model the behaviour you want from your mum, or even be explicit. Text your mum that she is going to call and tell her the result and you want lots of enthusiasm.

2, you are really down and hard on yourself and reading everything in that light. So the question ‘why didn’t you encourage me to revise’ with the answer ‘there was no point’ might no be purely academic but also where your relationship was at the time or that your parent’s believe that you shouldn’t encourage and let people find their own path.

Finally, you said you wanted to become a writer. Nothing stopping you now, your kids are almost grown up so now is a great time, plus you have some life experience behind you which helps.

I don’t think it’s unfair, uni costs are huge.

I have one that will go to uni in 2 years, the other won’t be sitting many GCSE’s (SEN), I would be really grateful if my parents helped out towards my DD’s uni costs (help with food etc..) but wouldn’t think twice about them not giving dd2 the same.

It’s their money and it’s up to them how they spend it, who they give it too. £500 is a lot to give someone.

My DHs parents moved heaven and earth to get their oldest 3 kids to uni. Their 4th? Nope. They were so busy pushing and shoving the older 3 and working to spend thousands on them they didn't even bother ensuring DH turned up to his secondary school everyday.

Consequently despite being just as bright as his siblings he totally bummed out. Flunked his exams, turned feral, and staggered through his early 20s pissed and off his head. Treated like the family clown he was just wheeled out at family get togethers to laugh at. ''Look at 'S' falling down the stairs again - how funny he is!''

All in their 40s now - he's worked his arse off and turned himself around and he's now arguably better off than all of them. Suddenly it's all ''oh look at our wonderful boy and how all our amazing parenting has finally paid off''.

I also agree with you. Yes, university is expensive but then they might earn more later on from having the good luck of being academic (or not). It's best just to be totally fair rather than attempting to play God.
By the way, I have learning disabled children and I really struggle with it. I don't have any nephews or nieces but can imagine that would make it all the harder if I had nephews or nieces who were really clever.

It’s really up to your mum what she spends her money on, but I can see why you’re upset. Just on a side note, university isn’t the be all and end. Having a degree doesn’t necessarily mean they will do well in life. I know of several people who have a degree but have not been able to find work. Your children will probably do just as well if they go through a more vocational route.

It represents where you stand in the pecking order and its hurtful.
Only if you let others define a pecking order and your place in it.

I refuse to be put in "pecking orders" or play such games.

"I asked mum why nobody made me revise for my exams and she said there was no point ."

OMG, you sound very immature tbh. You can't blame someone else for not revising. You do it if you want to. If they did, I am sure you complained that your parents made you revise when you were not academic. Did you make your children revise, since you learned that it may have changed their lives if you did according to your own experience?

I do see your point TBH.It often seems unfair that children who are academic are seen as "better" than their less studious cousins! However you keep saying you felt in your DS shadow as you were growing up. My own DC are like this though, one DD passing all exams and doing Physics at a top Uni .The other one finding it hard to hold down a F/T job! I try not to compare them and see them as people in their own right.I have A levels but didnt go to Uni either .The £500 is a genorous gift and maybe DD could put it towards Driving Lessons? There are many people with degrees ,but only about 25% are actually doing a work placement reflecting the subject they took! Still many more having to do something else entirely .My DF DS is now an Estate Agent after doing a 3 year course in History for example!

I dont think you were being unreasonable unless it is your mums intention to support your children when moving out or with equipment, training costs etc relevant to their jobs at some point. MN is very graduate biased. I started life in a minimum wage role (actually minimum wage didnt exist) buy there were costs associated with it, like smart work wear, transport and then vocaltional courses relevant to the job. I did these right up to degree level and they cost a lot.

I think this is more about you than about your mum

I agree.

YABU

Your mum is helping those going to university...there's nothing wrong with what she's doing.

It really is your issue. It's like if a GP gives money to GC getting married..to help with the expenses......if you haven't had a wedding... it's not unfair not to get the money.

Her money, her choice. YABU

YABU.
My 2 DC are graduating with between 41 and 53k of debt and we’ve been spending £1000 per month for 12 months a year supporting them.
£500 for your DD’s 21st is a really lovely gesture.
Please try to stop comparing yourself to others, maybe think about seeing a counsellor to talk things through.
Congratulations to your daughter passing her exam, you must all be so proud of her.