Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

@Sidewinder30

YANBU. It's a basic rule of both parenting and grandparenting not to pick favourites and not to give gifts or money in a way that is divisive. Of course it creates tension and bad feeling, no matter how much uni costs. Her intentions were good, but it's pretty much always misguided to give one child or group of children more because they 'need' it more. See threads ad naseum about wills.

Totally agree

My children are treated differently to my nieces and nephews. I think FIL thinks my BIL and wife earn less than us - whilst they do it's not imo significant enough to justify doing what they do. It wouldn't be so bad, but fil tells us all about it! I just don't think he can see the upset it causes DH. It's not the money, it's the feeling that FIL wants to do these things for some of his grandchildren and not the others - things like first uniform, first car, something towards prom outfit etc. It doesn't help that our children are all similar ages so one gets and one doesn't. If ours were considerably younger you'd say maybe they'll get the same when older.

@WaltzfortheMars

But I see no unfairness in supporting children with different paths IIjkk. I went to Uni, and my dsis did too, but she went further and got masters. Do I meant to feel unfair because my parents only paid for 4 years for me and 6 years for my dsis? Should I ask my parents to give me 2 years worth of money that I missed because I chose not to?

She is not supporting all the different paths though is she? She is only supporting an academic path.

YABU. Completely unreasonable.

But financial assistance at uni doesn't leave you with any lasting wealth, it means you have enough to buy food and books etc which is necessary to achieve the degree. If I had one at uni and one working, I'd still want to help both kids financially if I could afford it, but I'd give the student a greater proportion of the cash, because they're not earning a wage for 3-4 years in order to complete their education, so they have more financial need during that time.

Of course it does! People with degrees have better opportunities with regard to jobs than those without.

mrpumblechook , it only applied if they are all on their own. Those NT children living away from home, and those children with SEN living at home, it's clear to see who is more financially struggling.

I came from a working class background, admittedly I went to college when there were such things as grants and so on BUT it was never enough. OK you came out with out debt if you were super careful but you found free or cheap ways of doing things differently. Also any debt you did come out with was at fll on interest rates when they were alot higher than today.

Shopping - we shopped as a house and cooked as a house, we all learnt set meals to save money and one of us managed the bills making sure we got best deals etc. We had no cars and couldn't afford bus passes. We had a friend (older student) with a car, he took us shopping each week for a pack of chocolate hobnobs and tea when we got back to the flat, he regularly ate with us too. We couldn't afford Hobnobs for ourselves, I learnt to bake.

Buses etc - I bought a bike , second hand manky thing so it didn't get nicked. I cycled everywhere - no need for gyms or bus passes. It was a busy city so it could be hairy sometimes but was fine in the end. It was around 3 miles to uni from the flats we had in the cheap end of town.

Entertainment - we used to hold flat parties - sort of in a circular way so within group of friends taking turns. Anyone remember white lightening???

I had a cleaning job to make ends meet - in an OAP home. Meant I could work weekends.

I think people need to readjust lives when they go to Uni - expectations in terms of what parents pay for or have provided whilst at oime seem so high compared to when I was that age and whilst a while ago its not that long. Oh and I could only afford to go home at the end of term - train fare too high even with the railcard. You just got on with it

I feel terrible now because I’m making a difference between my own dc And I honestly didn’t think it was unfair

Hmm, mrpumblechook, maybe she sees the child staying at home does't need support. Do they really?

I think you are being unreasonable.
I have helped out step children and niece and nephews at different times and different amounts as they need it. It will all even out at the end.
Maybe when one of your children buy there 1st house they will get a helping hand.

University students from working class backgrounds without financial help from their parents massively struggle financially.

That is not necessarily the case. They receive more loans and universities often give bursaries to those on lower incomes. In my experience the ones who struggle are those whose parents are high earners so that children can't get a full loan but don't make up the difference.

OP,
I can really understand why you are upset.
I don't believe for a second it is about money.

Let's be clear, your parents really failed you.
Your siblings were very bright, so probably needed very little imput from your parents, but you, who weren't as academically gifted were just left to it.
Unforgivable.

They really failed you.
I can understand how sore it must feel to have been dismissed at such a young age.

Actually not great parents at all.

Yes Uni is expensive but once again they have dismissed you via your children.

I feel it should be equal amounts for all.

Don't back away from how you feel.
Tell your parents the truth.
They failed you utterly by not bothering their arses to ensure that you had the support and encouragement that you needed and would have benefitted so much from.

I know this with my own children.
3 of mine are well able.
Such a blessing for them.
It comes easier.
They do work but to be able to find maths easy is a huge blessing in life.
One of my children doesn't find it so easy. My husband and I have poured enormous time into this child.
Worked through the summers on english and maths all through primary, to make sure he had confidence in himself.

This is what lots of parents do.
Extra support where it's needed.

I'm not surprised this is still a sore point.
This lack of support has a huge impact on a child's life, of course it does.

It hugely limited your choices.

I think you need to be very honest with your parents about this.
They go on about other bright children and how well they have done...perhaps those children had great support.

Lots of children do very well in life on the back of huge parental support.

In my conversation with teachers, they all cite it as a huge contributor to a child's success.

Do your kids actually NEED the extra money at the moment though? Perhaps she will give them more at a later point when they actually need it?

Personally I don’t see the issue here and this is coming from someone whose toxic DM actively favouritises her genius grade-A eldest grandaughter and belittles and and downplays the achievements of her younger sibling who has some mild learning difficulties. The really sad thing is that my amazing younger DC is doing so well given what she’s had to overcome, she has some amazing qualities and such a happy, sunny disposition that will take her far. My DM just doesn’t see it and treats her as if she’s some kind of delinquent. All the old-bag is really achieving is alienating herself from myself and my kids (luckily the eldest recognises what’s going on too).

Remember that GCSEs, A-Levels, Uni etc aren’t the only measures of success in someone’s life. Those in creative industries always seem much more content with their lives.

@WaltzfortheMars

mrpumblechook , it only applied if they are all on their own. Those NT children living away from home, and those children with SEN living at home, it's clear to see who is more financially struggling.

They won't necessarily always be at home though will they? She hasn't said that she will give them any money when they leave home too. That only seems to apply if you do a degree even though the degree itself well lead to more opportunities with regard to jobs and probably lead to a higher salary.

You are unreasonable. Your mother is giving money to her grandchildren for a specific purpose that your children don't have.

OP I was you growing up. Dyslexic and dyspraxic. Struggled with the most basic maths. My family used to laugh and I would laugh along. My siblings would be lavished with praise and affirmations of how amazing they were and the self fulfilling prophecies they had meant they have incredible jobs and consequent wealth. I don’t. I scrimp, save and use whatever voucher I possibly can to have the comfortable life in do now. Never got a helping hand Financially as “that’s your lot”.

My mindset has really helped and made me realise I can only rely on myself not others without the risk of it destroying my self esteem. It’s not worth it, let it go.

@WaltzfortheMars

Hmm, mrpumblechook, maybe she sees the child staying at home does't need support. Do they really?

Why assume that because they are going to university they need support ? If the sisters are academic they may have good jobs and be able to support the children themselves . My children don't need anyone else to support them while at university .OP hasn't said her children will need to stay at home forever. Why has the grandparents not stated that she will give them money when they do leave home?

mrpumblechook, I really don't understand your stance at all. But each to their own. Those people who are academic, they aren't having an easy life. They work hard to achieve too.
Like OP blamed her parents not pushing her to revise and achieve better so they can have better lives I assume, why didn't she do it with her own child? She has a nerve to blame her parents, but she admits her children aren't academic either, and accepting it.

Is this a question of "fair" not being "equal"?

My parents have offered us some money for private medical care for DD (not considered a priority for the NHS, but has an ankle injury sufficiently bad to mean she will struggle to cope once back at school). I doubt that they've offered my siblings the same as their DC don't have specific needs at the moment. But presumably if the need arose in the future, they would do.
That's the key point - would OP's mum offer OP's children similar money in the future - for example, if they moved into their own place?

Having just read what billy1966 said above now I’m not so sure...

Everything comes easy to my eldest, she has worked hard but nothing’s a struggle. It’s been different for my youngest and myself.

In fact, DM has been a crap mum and now a crap grandparent!

Such an interesting thread, in the surface it seems simple but there’s a lot more to it when you scratch beneath the surface!

mrpumblechook, I truly don't know tbh. Getting £1000 or £500 doesn't make much difference in reality maybe. But if you are struggling to study/work/pay at the same time, it may make a lot of difference.

@WaltzfortheMars

mrpumblechook, I really don't understand your stance at all. But each to their own. Those people who are academic, they aren't having an easy life. They work hard to achieve too. Like OP blamed her parents not pushing her to revise and achieve better so they can have better lives I assume, why didn't she do it with her own child? She has a nerve to blame her parents, but she admits her children aren't academic either, and accepting it.

Rubbish. DH and I are academic and without doubt this has led to job opportunities and salaries which are not available to BIL with SEN who will never earn more than minimum wage.

YABU. That money is university money, for a specific purpose. Theyre not picking favourites or “writing anyone off”; your children could have had it too if they’d have gone.

I would have loved to be a writer or a social worker , but nothing was ever suggested to me

You also can’t blame your parents because you never became a writer or a social worker. Your career is your responsibility; you’re an adult. It’s down to you to organise and sort out your life.

You weren’t “written off”. You could still go into those careers now, but it seems you’ve spent decades blaming your parents instead of actively pursuing the career you want.

You don't get money for going to university if you aren't going to university. What if one of your DDs is the first to get married, would you expect your mother to say, "I'm giving all of them £100, I'd like to have given £1,000 to the one getting married but I can't afford to give it to them all." Or giving a gift to your DD if she buys a house, has a baby or whatever. I'm afraid you have issues and I don't think it is your mother's fault, comparing your children to others in the family is pointless.

@WaltzfortheMars

mrpumblechook, I truly don't know tbh. Getting £1000 or £500 doesn't make much difference in reality maybe. But if you are struggling to study/work/pay at the same time, it may make a lot of difference.

Not all students are struggling. Not all need to work during term time. Many have parents who then enough money to support them themselves.

Good for you, mrpumblechook. You can support your BIL who didn't get what he deserved.