Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

YABU

YANBU. Your low self esteem will have come in part because of what the adults did or didn’t say around you.

Your dcs have been given money for their birthday, the other grandkids get money for going to uni and I presume their birthday.

The OP’s kids may need more financial help because they’re not able to get into university. Is the grandmother putting money aside for that? I bet not.

Being academic doesn’t make you a better person.

Look at Boris Johnson for an extreme example.

Actually I had this exact same conversation with my father but on a hypothetical basis last week.

He has given money to my sister and I for work on our houses and although we had different work done the amounts were similar, they weren't exactly the same and it wasn't at the same time.

As far as GC are concerned he has offered money to help with medical treatment one DGC needed and support with school fees for a specialist sixth form one DGC was interested in. He was musing over whether he needs to make things equal for the others. I said no, he's offering support that these DGC needed at the time, the others know similar support would be available for them should they need it for something specific, but they don't need it now. They certainly wouldn't expect to be given equivalent cash just to spend.

OP I think this is more about your feelings of sadness and loss rather than the money.
You see your nieces going off to university and possibly had the same hopes and dreams for your own children, but feel this is not an option for them.
And you feel disappointment.
That is undestandable.
Your parents sound generous, and possibly have a slightly different mindset about money- kids get what they need when they need it- over the years it all irons out and is fair, but the financial gift is shining a spotlight onto a situation that highlights your own feelings, and the path of your own children.
I know I’m thick this is maybe the place to start. Healing yourself, stop framing yourself in a poor way.
Life is not all about academic achievement, we can all find a fruitful path, and have a joyful llife.
Try to shift your persective. Look at the good things in your life, you are raising happy kids, create that happy life for yourself.
Having a degree is no passport to happiness.

I get what you're saying OP, but unfortunately YABU. But that's only cause you're conflating two things- academic achievement and financially reward. Your mum is just trying to assist her grandkids with high expenses, not exclude yours, which is a patently reasonable thing to do.

What is horrible is the emphasis on academic achievement and whether or not someone is 'bright'. It becomes the only factor in consideration and I loathe the emphasis that was put on me for academic achievement. Even now I can tell my dad is ashamed that I gave up an academic career to go and work in blue collar work (the pay is just much better).

I suggested that I might consider retraining to do an engineering degree (pie in the sky kind of discussion) and he was over the moon telling people i was going to become an engineer. It's mad, and it does make you think that people only care about brains, when they're such a small part of someone's personality.

When my DD was 8 she was desperate for a hamster- so for her christmas I bought her one with a cage and all the equipment and supplies.
Her brother wanted a PS3 at the time- we bough that too.
Both were equally happy.
I had spent £200 and my sons gift, £40 on my DDS.
They both had equal joy.

It's not about money.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable actually. Sure, it’s your DM’s money, and university is expensive, but trying to get by on minimum wage at 18 is difficult too.

As for the disproportionate valuing of intellect, well that’s pretty unfair as well. I imagine your DM is unlikely to change, but you can change how you respond to her, and refuse to accept her view of the world. Your children’s achievements are worth celebrating! And you seem to be a much more supportive parent than your DM. So that’s something to value too.

I'm going to go against the curve and say you are not being unreasonable as I am a grandchild with grandparents who do this.
My siblings and I did not go to uni, we all went into work and have worked incredibly hard to be where we are now. We got weekend jobs to pay for driving lessons, cars and insurance, and then later for house deposits with never a penny from grandparents or even an acknowledgement.

I have a cousin currently in 5th year in uni, still living off parents, and also my grandparents who consistently give them money 'cause he works hard at uni and needs a break' as if us in our full time jobs trying to make ends meet dont need a break. Going to university is a choice and the financial burden should not fall to others.

From a grandchilds perspective, you are definitely not being unreasonable, my grandparents consistently doing this has completely changed and damaged relationships.

And its not about the value of the money, its about feeling that the path we chose or the work we put in was not good enough for them

Your mum is seeing it differently as many are here. I get it. It’s yet another poke in the eye for you. I wasn’t below average in intelligence - above actually. (Perhaps you aren’t below average either so do consider this as you’re expressing yourself perfectly). But my schooling was appalling and my mother crowed over me about her academic achievements from a very prestigious grammar (still considered so). OTOH I was totally unchallenged and massively under achieved.

It sounds as if your mum is pretty approachable. Perhaps you could write to her and explain how you feel. She will be able to read and reread something. Maybe consider apologising and saying you see now that she views this gift as money for children leaving home and perhaps that’s how she would view it if/ when your dcs move out. Under these circumstances, she may like to consider setting up bank accounts for your dcs that you look after until they’re at a stage of becoming more independent. But maybe that would be a discussion for another day.

And its not about the value of the money, its about feeling that the path we chose or the work we put in was not good enough for them

But that is only impactful if your happiness or self worth is dependant on their approval.

If the non-university children had moved into a flat on their own, would she give them money towards their new home?

If she would, then why not think of this as "moving away from parental home" money, rather than "going to university" money.

I know you say you understand the cost of university is expensive, but do you know how much?

Even if you get a full maintenance loan of £8944 due to parents having a combined income of under £30k, some of the catered accommodation is £7900 for the year at Durham university, that isn't even the most expensive accommodation cost either!

With books to buy, all toiletries, any clothes you may need and depending on where you live, train fare, this doesn't leave a lot of money left per week. That is before any socialising.

I have been a poor student at uni as both my sister and I were there at the same time. There is no allowance for this in calculating "parental contribution". It would have been nice to have a Grandparent alive to be able to gift me money.

If you are living at home your costs are significantly less. Maybe when your children move out your Mum will gift them some housewarming money.

Its like PPs have said is she doing it as a reward for achievement or to help them out with the cost of moving? My grandparents have always been very conscious of keeping things fair. When I finished my A levels I was given some money as a reward. I went to university and when I was moving they bought me some things for my room, new bedding a nice throw etc. they also gave me some money at the start of most terms usually about 100-200 pound, it was always given while saying, to help with new books or for a bulk shop before you leave etc. It was always very clear it wasn't a reward but to help with the extra expense of living away from home. My brother and one cousin chose to do apprenticeships, both stayed living at home and they both got the same amount as a reward for finishing school as I did. But they didn't get the extra help as they didn't need it both where earning a wage and living at home with no expenses.

From what your saying, it doesn't appear the money is being as a reward for achievement but as a stipend to help them settle away from home, which is quite fair.

I agree with you. I think they should be treated the same regardless of where they’re going.

There’s a 15 year age gap between me and my cousin. In the early 90’s my Grandad gave her £500 to stop smoking. She never did and kept the money. My sister and I got nothing. £500 was loads back then. She always was the favourite.

I don’t think it’s an issue. It’s to help grandchildren move out of the home for the first time and stand on their own two feet as adults in an expensive environment. I’m shocked you brought it up with her, that’s quite bare faced cheeky!

Maybe your DDs will get a parallel 'setting off' present when they leave home?

Genuine question - would you resent it if she gave another DGC a wedding present, just because yours had no boyfriend?

I think your mum has been very generous with all the grandchildren, and i can see why the ones who went you university or college are getting more, than the ones that dont. It's expensive and will need the extra from materials or travel extra. I wouldnt be hurt by it. I think as you said it's your own feelings of inadequacy coming out and tainting your view of a very generous thing your mum is doing for her grandchildren

I gave my goddaughter £1000 a year at university. Her dad was ever so proud she didn't have money problems .

A bit off topic but you write very well indeed; I’m shocked that you only scraped 2 GCSEs. Must have been more going on there than simply not being clever... Be kind to yourself x

That crossed my mind too. Are you sure there isn't dyslexic or something affecting your achievements?

Anyway I see it as your mums helping her GC as they leave home. I know students who had bundle of expenses just to kit themselves out for uni. Stuff you don't even think about.
Duvet, pillow, sheets, knifes, cutlery & crockery, clothes horse and various other bits to kit out the very basic bare rooms.

Maybe in time as your DC leave home she'll help them out then. I definitely think you are wrong to think she is treating them unfairly, uni is such an expensive business.

The amount really isn’t an issue, I actually told mum that £500 was way to much for 21st .
I’m well aware that I sound churlish
It just really triggers old feelings of being written off

There were very low expectations of me . I asked mum why nobody made me revise for my exams and she said there was no point .

I still feel really sad about that . It’s almost like they did not know what to do with a child who wasn’t a genius so just left me to get on with it .

I would have loved to be a writer or a social worker , but nothing was ever suggested to me .
Really weird

Ive always known my DC aren’t academic so have encouraged many interests and hobbies over the years and always told them that anything is possible , talked about types of jobs they could do ect

I’m just still upset that nobody did this for me . It was awful being written off .
However , it is my cross to bear , you are all absolutely spot on and I will apologise to mum later .
She really is a kind soul , and not to blame for my Achilles heel ....

I understand why you’re upset but I don’t think your mum is being unfair.

One of mine stayed at home for uni

Dd is going away this year.

I have to support dd more with more money.

Am I being unfair?

I agree with a previous poster your op is well written, you are in no way uneducated.

My parents helped my sister through university, I chose to not go that route and looking back they probably let me off paying them "rent"

They have more than made up with it for all the times they've had my children meaning I can work. Does she help out in other ways that you maybe hadn't considered?

My Nan did this, she has 9 grandchildren and gave anyone going to uni some money to help.

I wasn't academic at all and didn't go to uni. I wasn't aware that others had been given money for uni anyway, but when I started my own business years later she gave me the money. It was so sweet and unexpected, it wasn't a lot of money but the thought behind it was very kind.

It sounds as though your mum is generous with them all so I would be mindful of projecting your own insecurities (I have then too OP so I don't mean that badly) onto the situation. Especially if your child will never know.

I think you're seeing the money as a sign of what your Mum values rather than as a contribution towards a cost. You've also mentioned it as a reward.
You said you're Mum is generally fair and treats her grandchildren well and has given money to your DC at important life stages so I think you are being really unreasonable.
I suppose it's a bit like when parents contribute towards a child's wedding. It's not a reward or a sign they particularly value weddings as such (apart from being happy and supportive), it's just a contribution towards a cost that they recognise and would like to help with. It wouldn't be unfair not to give the same to a sibling that wasn't getting married, as they didn't have the cost.
Your Mum sounds like she was happy and supportive of your DC too and gifted them money, but as their costs weren't the same the amount wasn't the same. I think that's completely justifiable.
There is a huge cost to going to uni that those that do will be paying for years. Yes they will likely benefit too but it has a price.
Your DC still have opportunities and in fact have opportunities the other cousins don't in starting work earlier.
I think you've done yourself a disservice getting stuck on the difference in amount of money which u can understand is baffling to your Mum, when what you really want to talk to her about is how you feel you were undervalued as someone who isn't as academic and now you're worried it's happening for your children too.
Your mum may value academic achievements in a way that's hurtful to you, but I don't think what she has done with the money is unfair or reflects that, it's reflects the huge cost of going to uni.