Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

WildWaterSwimmer, that is totally different to the OP's situation. In your case, I would definitely say the GP are being shitty and unreasonable. And the amount of the money involved is totally different too. I would definitely challenge that, since your dc need way more than their cousins.

WildWater that does seem unfair that they support one need but not another.

Who knows what their thought process is, are they thinking £50k means she gets through Uni without needing support from yourselves, therefore you are able to focus your money on DS.
You mention the disparity on birthday money, is DS able to go out and spend money, maybe they don't think it's worth giving him money if he can't spend it.

Maybe they will even things out at a different point in time, in their will or something.

I get it, i really do, and it’s made me think about how we encourage our DS. my parents, when I done exams, they always gave me a gift before I got my results aslong as I put the hard work in, didn’t matter the results which I think is a great way to be and I think it is what you are getting at! You would like your children to be rewarded Based on effort rather than outcome, which is probably what you should say to your mother as she sounds very kind as you have said.
I do also see a lot of posters empathising with you however a lot of the time you are concentrated on the negative nancies, look after yourself op, you have clearly got a good job, can provide for your kids over and above and aslong as you are rewarding effort of your kids, they will feel that stronger than what their grandparents do or don’t do

Wild water
Outrageous, I don’t know how you have kept your temper actually, So mean and unfair

@ItsIslandTime

WildWaterSwimmer. Has your daughter ever said anything? She must realize that that’s a very shitty thing for her grandparents to do. My adult kids wouldn’t ‘allow’ something like that to happen. They would make it ‘fair’ one way or another.

We've managed to hide the disparity from our children. I don't want my daughter to feel bad about the amazing life-enhancing opportunities she's been given and obviously my son would feel deeply hurt if he realised the extent of the favouritism. We ensure that he doesn't feel disadvantaged, but it puts extra pressure on us to ensure he receives a fair balance of extras compared to his 'golden' sibling.

I hear you OP.

Going to university is expensive. So is buying and insuring a car to be able to get to your apprenticeship.

I have a DC who is at uni, and a DC who has saved money for his part time job to be able to buy and insure a car.

Guess who is being applauded and helped the most financially by grandparents? Yes the academic one, who just happened to be born academic. Not the hard working one who keeps failing his GCSE retakes.

I'm going to wade into the discussion. As my username suggests l am a musician. I did indeed work very hard at two instruments and had a lot of fun with orchestras and other musical events. However, like those who go to Oxbridge l was indeed lucky. Anything worth doing involves a great deal of hard work but there has to be natural talent there in the first place in order to achieve the highest standards. As an instrumental teacher l have pupils of all ages and abilities from special needs to outstandingly talented. I treat each person as the individual they are to help them enjoy their music and reach the very best of which they are capable. I think this is the crux of the argument. MN is a very middle class forum but being the top of the class and going to university is not the be all and end all so many people here seem to think it is. It does not automatically confer happiness or success in later life. Academic achievements seem to be lauded above all others but although l can play the piano, violin and viola, l am hopeless when it comes to practical skills and require, at great expense, the services of plumbers, electricians, gas fitters, carpet fitters and even decorators from time to time. Where would we all have been during the last few months without the key workers including supermarket assistants? We all have a part to play in society and everyone deserves opportunities, not only clever people, many of whom are lacking in two of the most important attributes of all: common sense and, seemingly, compassion.

CrazyHorse, how can you categorize the one born with academic talent is not hard working? Just because they are born academic, they don't mean they won't work hard. Most of the time they do, more than others. It's same as people who were born athletic, they spend more time with what they are good at and be better than others, doesn't mean they don't work hard.

Just to follow up on Violinist, I was always very academic (worked hard too, but it was definitely relatively easy for me up to a point), am lucky to have a well-paying job and a generally very fortunate life as a result.

I'm also a horribly nervous driver and avoid it whenever I can. It's a real handicap because it's such a practical skills that affects everything, especially where I now live, and I'm having to work really hard to overcome the fear and to practice. It's horrible but in a weird way I'm grateful for it because it's made me much more compassionate towards people who struggle with things. I really admire people who don't give driving a second thought and drive everywhere all the time.

Literally noone is good at everything and everyone is terrible at something. The effect on your life because of your talents and difficulties is going to be different, but the principle is the same. Worth remembering when you get too down on yourself (or start feeling too big for your boots!)

There are many clever people who are born very very clever and don’t necessarily work very hard .
My DSis growing up used to get 100 % in most exams , even the least favourite subjects. And with very little work until A levels where she did put more effort in . Everything was incredibly easy for her because she inherited an unusually good brain .
My Dad was exactly the same .

Of course lots of people work very hard indeed , but to suggest that it is all hard wirk is simply not true

Violinist, your post was great

Getting 100 % for the regular test/exam at school maybe indeed a piece of cake for some clever children. But your siblings were different. They were not just getting 100 %, they exceeded that and went onto maths Olympiad etc, according to you.
Having clever sibling inspired me. Yes, I was a bit annoyed that my sister got it everything easy compared to me. But I also knew she worked hard too, to achieve her own goal.
My dc is born really clever, but watching him over the years, I know it's not a piece of cake, he struggles with a lot of things and work incredibly hard with what he has got, and what he loves.
I hear some people say their dc envy my child for his talent, especially music, but I doubt any of them spend 2 hours practicing every single day.

Also I wanted to say congratulations to your DD on passing half her GCSEs.`

It is very sad that you didn't feel able to tell your mother about her exam results. Yes your mother is weird about people being "bright" but try not let that affect you too. Do tell your mother and give her a fair chance to acknowledge and celebrate. And tell her with fanfare, don't minimise DD's achievement yourself or even mention her cousin (no comparisons!). Just "isn't it fantastic, DD worked so hard, I am so proud of her.... "

Your mother may not respond well, but it's only fair on DD to give your mother the chance.

Oh and your DD has admirable persistence too. 2 failures and she didn't give up! Good for her

See, I can see both sides. While I understand where you are coming from, I can also see where your mum is. I think I would let this go as it is probably more about your insecurity than anything else. I was also the child who received less. My grandad paid for foundation degree which over 2 years came to 8k. I was living at home during this time. My sister went to uni and did a full degree living away. My grandad helped hugely with her degree. He spent a lot more on my sister than he did me, however I know that was because we made different choices. Had I chosen to go away he would have done the same for me. It doesnt bother me at all and never has. If your mum gave only for acedemic acheivements, your DC did this and didnt get anything i wouldnt think that was fair, but its not. Uni costs and living away is much higher than staying at home and getting a job. One will be lwft with debt, one won't. One will have living expemses, one won't. So long as they get appropriate level of support for the choices they make I dont think there is a problem. Equality can come in many different shapes. Giving all grandads the same money regardless would be kind but not always appropriate given the circumstances

@Valerievalerie

Thanks for that wow

So many unsympathetic posters on here wilfully misunderstanding my points .
Very predictable though .
I’m happy to take on any advice , no matter how hard to hear but am disappointed that feeling undervalued by my family is fine and I should suck it up

The posters wilfully misunderstanding your posts are probably doing the same thing to their own children though or they were the favoured child in their family so will inevitably defend your DM actions. I totally understand your point.

Hi op, you just said your sis is like your Dad, are you then like your Mum? Is that why she holds such value on being clever because she actually feels like you do? Why does she feel such value in being clever?

Whenever she has asked if somebody I know is bright and I ask why , her answer to challenge on this is always the same
She says it just makes it easier that’s all

Easier for what.

Dd and Ds are incredibly bright. Just not academically.
They look on their academically bright peers, some of whom were forced to go to university as the ones who have it much harder.

I think your mother has a weird obsession in being academically bright.
When was walking and talking by the age of one a sign that someone was intelligent.

Ds walked at 9 months. In your mother’s eyes that makes him a shoe in for a degree at Oxford or Cambridge

He has 2 GCSEs at grade 4

Equally just because he has 2 GCSEs doesn’t mean he has to do minimum wage jobs. He has followed dd down the route she has taken.
Certainly not being paid minimum wage.

Yes I think your Mum is being unfair. It has little to do with moving out for the first time and more about her own academic snobbery. Her GC with university degrees are more likely to be higher paid in the future, although it doesn’t have to be like that. Your DC can still achieve and succeed in other aspects of life, I hope they do. Your mum is a snob.

If your mum thinks being academically bright means things are easier for the person then surely by her logic she should be giving those that aren’t as academic to ease their way

The fact she isn’t means she really isn’t interested in anyone who falls below her standards.

YABU.
You say its not about the money .. it totally is at the end of the day.

YABU. Sorry.
It sounds like your mother is a generous person in general, and you are expecting too much.
Going to uni v staying at home. Night and day, as far as expenses are concerned.

I’d be interested to know what your mum would do if a grandchild started university in their home town and didn’t need to move out

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I’d be interested to know what your mum would do if a grandchild started university in their home town and didn’t need to move out

Good point.

My parents give gifts and money to my siblings who have less. Although as someone who has more, it feels a bit neglected as if we are never deserving of gifts because we can do it ourselves. Gifting large amounts of sum to the sisters who have chosen less stressful, lower paid jobs or become SAHM. Those working in high pressured jobs are asked to pitch in and share their own money as well to be distributed with sisters equally. One of my sisters chose to work in a significantly less paid job, lives in a more expensive area than me and never did post graduate studies and never moved for jobs like I did. When my parents come to my house they tell me how selfish live I'm living compared to my sister. They want me to help buy her a house as she won't get a mortgage. My sisters who have not done so well financially for whatever reasons are going to get all inheritance money to level them up. Its totally my parents choice where their money goes and I respect that. Like you say its not about money but is about money. I feel its unfair that they don't give us anything ever and all their attention is on other siblings. But even then I don't believe equal is fair. And I need to deal with these unjustified feelings myself. YABU and after a certain age you cannot blame your parents for your current life circumstances.

@EarPhones

My parents give gifts and money to my siblings who have less. Although as someone who has more, it feels a bit neglected as if we are never deserving of gifts because we can do it ourselves. Gifting large amounts of sum to the sisters who have chosen less stressful, lower paid jobs or become SAHM. Those working in high pressured jobs are asked to pitch in and share their own money as well to be distributed with sisters equally. One of my sisters chose to work in a significantly less paid job, lives in a more expensive area than me and never did post graduate studies and never moved for jobs like I did. When my parents come to my house they tell me how selfish live I'm living compared to my sister. They want me to help buy her a house as she won't get a mortgage. My sisters who have not done so well financially for whatever reasons are going to get all inheritance money to level them up. Its totally my parents choice where their money goes and I respect that. Like you say its not about money but is about money. I feel its unfair that they don't give us anything ever and all their attention is on other siblings. But even then I don't believe equal is fair. And I need to deal with these unjustified feelings myself. YABU and after a certain age you cannot blame your parents for your current life circumstances.

That's completely unfair . It's all about choices, choices come with consequences and it's not anyone else's job to level the playing field.