To think its no bloody wonder theyre fat?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

My family members. Namely mum and sister.

(I might add, I am also a bit overweight, but trying sucessfully but slowly, REALLY bloody hard to lose it)

Every single family occasion goes like this. Me and dsis taking DC on a day trip. Organising picnic. I say I'll do mine and hers. I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each. She is bringing a nice uncut loaf and butter. I've got rolls already. She has got a couple of "nice salad bits" (This will be coleslaw, couscous, bean salad etc. ) we don't need 2 or 3 more boxes of salad bits, as ive made us both a substantial, varied, filling lunch. It has cost me about £5 each. (Not complaining about the cost)

Ds birthday. Family gathering. I message to say I have stuff for a bbq. I list burgers, sausages, chicken skewers, Some marinated chicken. Lots of sides. Both ask if I need anything. No. I don't need anything else. Both arrive with huge HUGE quantities of food. I had got more than enough for Everyone. One of them brought about twice the amount I had, and the other about the same as I had. I find it really annoying, it's as if I can't possibly have provided enough food . And it irritates me that I could have just not bothered and there would still have been too much.

Yet both, one in particular, does nothing but complain about being very overweight. Surely if someone says "I'll provide lunch" you don't need to then add a load more extra stuff in.

It does shock me when I see the amount of food some people eat. I battle with my weight but am not too big, I enjoy food but when I hear stories of people eating a whole pizza each or 3 burgers I feel pretty shocked. If I go to a bbq I would probably eat a hot dog or burger, maybe a chicken leg and some salad, this would fill me up but I see others eating 2 burgers, 2 hot dogs, several chicken legs and go back for 2nds/3rds 😲.

I think the bringing of food is just one of those things that people do to be friendly, if they brought nothing at all then you may moan about having to provide food for everyone, also they probably worry that you might not have enough food or food that they like.

We rarely have a picnic, when we do I tend to take lots of small things to please everyone, salad and bread probably wouldn’t cut it with my lot (kids). We don’t eat much different to what we would have for a normal lunch but we might add cake as a treat.

I think it’s ok to be shocked about what people are eating but at the end of the day it’s their choice and all you can do is worry about your own diet.

If you've said you'll provide the food for an event, I think yanbu to be annoyed if people bring loads more, as it seems as though they haven't listened to you. I don't really understand how other people's weight is relevant to this though - that sounds like a separate concern altogether. And if your family members do have weight issues, "no bloody wonder they're fat" sounds a bit uncaring even if you didn't mean it that way.

This would annoy me too. It’s wasteful and it’s as if they don’t trust your food choices - but they are possibly salad haters and presumably have big appetites as they are fat. Don’t really get why you’re getting so much flack. YANBU

YANBU OP and I think you’ve had some mean responses.

The sheer volume of the additional stuff they are bringing would really get me down.

As for potato salad with bacon and cheese - that sounds repellent.

Thank goodness OP some more common sense on your thread.

For the record I over cater, and over eat! I have OCD and related food issues I have battled for half my life or more.

*It is ok to see the link between your relatives over catering and over eating. It's ok to comment on it on your own anonymous thread. Overeating (especially in lockdown) is at epic proportions and tip toeing around these massive issues doesn't help. No wonder we are destroying the planet if many of us think it is ok to eat or waste (which over eating is basically doing) such large amounts of food.

And when they do this, give them back the food they over bring.

It's not always useable, especially on a picnic, because sitting in the sun isn't good for most food stuffs. But showing them you don't need it want it may help them realise that it's too much.

Actually I get your frustration. Bringing a few bits to contribute to a meal is common practice, though I'd personally stick to flowers, chocolates, crisps and/or wine.

I'd find it bizarre if my guests turned up with vast quantities of duplicated food, and a little unflattering to my ability to feed everyone well. If I was bringing food for the meal, I'd always agree in advance what the host would like, whether a dessert or, usually, nothing as they have the meal sorted.

I wouldn’t dream of going to a bbq or picnic without bringing something. It seems only polite.

Is the real issue you are trying to lose weight and you need to control your access to higher calorie food? If that’s the case maybe explain to them the position you’re in, it’s up to them to decide what they eat.

YAnbu in trying to provide a healthy diet to improve yours and your daughters health. YABU in trying to control what others eat.

I should add that a picnic is a bit different, as it's more of a general contributions if you're all sharing what you bring,

It does affect OP, though. Food and socialising are being bound up with over-eating as a habitual norm. OP is trying to get away from habitual over-eating. These situations would get on my nerves, too.

@JMG1234

I should add that a picnic is a bit different, as it's more of a general contributions if you're all sharing what you bring,

But not when it’s agreed that one person is doing the children’s food and the other the adults.

And no one needs to bring a whole uncut loaf of bread to a picnic for two adults and 2/3 children!

The OP was asked if they needed to bring more food and said no.

If guests don't want to turn up empty handed I'd bring a bottle, or some chocs of flowers.

Culturally this is normal for me and my family. We're south american. It would be utterly unthinkable to turn up for a social event and not bring a mountain of food with you.

I say I'll do mine and hers. I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each.
YABVVVVVVVVU to use the phrase “tasty topping”. That aside, why are you announcing you’ll do yours and hers? Picnics are usually a pot-luckish thing aren’t they? Bring the things you like to eat, with plenty to share. If someone messaged me to say they were bringing me a small roll I’d be confused at the specificity. It sounds like you think you’re in charge of catering, and your sister thinks it’s a mutual arrangement: neither of you are wrong, you just have incompatible styles.

The barbecue is a little different as it was your DS’ birthday and you were hosting but generally people bring food to barbecues, it’s the nature of the beast.

I think the real problem here is not the food but them banging on about being overweight – no one wants to listen to a broken record about any topic, especially when nothing is done about it.

Littlebearpad I agree with you. I'd do what others have suggested and bring my own food for myself and my children. That way, I can choose what we have and let the others lug their own mountain of food as they choose.

That aside, why are you announcing you’ll do yours and hers?

Op explained that sister made food for all kids, OP therefore made food for adults

FGS people, RTFT.

OP isn't the food police and isn't judging her family. She's worried about them and frustrated because they are miserable, but further perpetuating their own misery by constantly overeating at every opportunity. Binge eating is addictive behaviour. It's ok and normal to be frustrated and despairing when spending time with an addict who complains about their addiction but indulges in it whenever they are with you. As an ex-compulsive eater and as the daughter of a chronic alcoholic I can see both sides here.

The whole family clearly has a problem with disordered eating and I think finding out what the root is could be the key to helping your relatives, @ImFree2doasiwant . Eating in this way is invariably connected to emotions - stress, self-loathing, inadequacy, and residual feelings and associations with food formed during childhood. How were your family's eating patterns growing up OP? What were family dynamics like? Can you think of any reasons yourself why you all eat too much?

You sound a bit controlling. Why does your sister have to only eat the lunch you choose for her?

This seems to have an easy solution: you just need to stop bringing food.

I would never turn up to any sort of gathering like that empty handed, it would feel rude. Have you ever considered bringing less, and allowing for their contribution?

I have a friend that does this. It’s incredibly annoying and arrogant, as if no one else is capable of feeding people. No matter how often she is told ‘no need to bring anything, it’s all taken care of’ she invariably turns up with huge quantities of food. She is a very, very good cook and it’s always delicious but it’s also a PITA. If I’m cooking a roast dinner for 8 or paella for a crowd I don’t want her turning up with a vat of chicken curry and a tray of samosas that don’t go with my menu and which I don’t have hob or oven space for. She even turned up at a party where she knew we had hired caterers to do a hog roast (including all side dishes and desserts) with huge trays of food. We had 80 guests that time, the whole reason we had paid for caterers was because I didn’t want to be messing in the kitchen and my patience deserted me - I gave her a drink, showed her the cooker & left her to it. Faced with the hassle of reheating and serving it all herself she took it home!

So although I think it’s a bit mean to be making negative comments about their weight I don’t blame you for being annoyed. Some people are saying it’s generous but I think it’s often more about control.

I

No one needs to come empty handed, but it's ridiculous to come with large quantities of food to someone's bbq. If someone did that to me, they would get it back on a way out with a furm reminder that it's a nono.

See, all these issues can be easily sorted by moving at least thousand kilometres away😁

@Thecobwebsarewinning Good for you!

OP I can see where you are coming from and it would grate on me too. This is going to sound horrible but it’s the truth in many cases- sometimes people are just greedy. They see food that they know they would love and just keep bunging it in the trolly- item after item although they won’t ever be able to eat it all, it just looks so nice and the thought of eating it is so nice they can’t help it. I include myself sometimes in doing this esp if I’m going round a cheaper supermarket and am hungry at the time!
My dad is a huge one for doing this and will just want to taste everything and will buy 6 different desserts For a gathering and most will go to waste.
It’s annoying hearing them complain about being overweight and yes they probably to eat too much of the wrong thing. However, it’s their choice and they are grown adults so there is not much you can do. It take huge effort and willpower from within to lose weight.
I would just let them get on with it. If they want to bring more then it’s not really the end of the world for you

Meh, as long as they aren’t forcing you to eat all the food it isn’t really a problem.

You eat what you want and they eat what they want.

My family do similar and are all overweight. I provide more than I would normally eat when they come round as I want them to have a good time and I love them. I’m not going to control what they eat but equally they aren’t going to influence my choices.