To think its no bloody wonder theyre fat?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

My family members. Namely mum and sister.

(I might add, I am also a bit overweight, but trying sucessfully but slowly, REALLY bloody hard to lose it)

Every single family occasion goes like this. Me and dsis taking DC on a day trip. Organising picnic. I say I'll do mine and hers. I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each. She is bringing a nice uncut loaf and butter. I've got rolls already. She has got a couple of "nice salad bits" (This will be coleslaw, couscous, bean salad etc. ) we don't need 2 or 3 more boxes of salad bits, as ive made us both a substantial, varied, filling lunch. It has cost me about £5 each. (Not complaining about the cost)

Ds birthday. Family gathering. I message to say I have stuff for a bbq. I list burgers, sausages, chicken skewers, Some marinated chicken. Lots of sides. Both ask if I need anything. No. I don't need anything else. Both arrive with huge HUGE quantities of food. I had got more than enough for Everyone. One of them brought about twice the amount I had, and the other about the same as I had. I find it really annoying, it's as if I can't possibly have provided enough food . And it irritates me that I could have just not bothered and there would still have been too much.

Yet both, one in particular, does nothing but complain about being very overweight. Surely if someone says "I'll provide lunch" you don't need to then add a load more extra stuff in.

@JinglingHellsBells OP said that the toppings were mackerel, chicken and prawns.

OP, I completely get where you're coming from. You provide enough food and they duplicate supplies, there are masses of wasted leftovers plus they complain a lot about their weight. Annoying but I would do as PPs have said: make less yourself and ensure that you parcel up what they bring that is left, and send it back.

@PurpleDaisies

I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each.

That doesn’t sound like a very filling lunch to me. I’d have brought more.

I agree. Here’s the thing Op. What if they don’t want a nice tasty salad? What if they want spam butties, cheese and onion crisps and a Mars bar?

Freedom of choice innit.

You clearly mean well, but they want to eat what they want.

Many people, me included, would not fancy a salad and small roll as lunch at a picnic. I eat salad but those extra bits like couscous, bean salad etc are what fill me up not the lettuce. I'm guessing they are the same. I've been to bbqs where the host has said they will provide food and they allowed one burger, one chipolata sausage and a veg kebab each - a piggy person goes up quicker and grabs a plateful and there's not enough for others - perhaps this has happened to your family?

You sound controlling over food.

If the OP is the one catering and wants to do it on her terms, what's wrong with setting the level of catering?

Her house, her picnic, her choice.

Her family ought to be more self aware- bringing that amount of food appears to want to 'out do' the hostess and even if the OP is providing enough food, they should realise their contributions make it look as if she's not.

It's thoughtless and tacky.

[quote ImFree2doasiwant]@GoldenKelpie if I says I was bringing large club sandwiches each, quiche, pork pies, scotch eggs, and bacon mayo potato salad, with cheese and crackers, and cake, they'd still do it and if get comments about not eating bread or counting calories.[/quote]
All of these are very fattening and unhealthy. Anyone eating a diet like this would get fat.

YADNBU. It strongly implies an unhealthy approach to feeding/food as evidence of love/fear of not having enough food, etc which is highly likely to be part of the complex cause of their weight issues. All those posters saying it's none of your business are really just defending a person's (undeniable) right to be overweight. Your question was. not "am I unreasonable to try to control what they eat", but more along the lines of "is this part of the reason they are fat". And yes, it is.

What is 'bacon mayo potato salad'? It sounds like a coronary in a pot.

Motivation has to be intrinsic. You are ready to do it, they are just not. Just watch out for avoiding self sabotage or unintentional sabotage by others and keep eating better. Let it go about them bringing too much because that's more about social norms than eating.

Seriously

And I mean .....seriously

OP, it just seems that your family are all feeders/providers and it makes them feel good to contribute and share things. Just be polite, say how nice it is and eat whatever you want. Don't feel you have to eat more just because they bring more- just take home or share out the leftovers at the end. Not worth getting upset about.

Sorry op as someone said above it's their choice what they want to eat on an occasion, you have to stop bring do judgey. Our ils would bring salad stuff etc, I'd want crisps a can of coke and real butter on rolls. And it's an occasion so ... I think the issue is that you're losing weight so the huge amount of food is horrifying you because you see it as just unnecessary extra calories. As said above you could bring less and people could bring stuff home. Also talk to them about your weight loss in relation to you. It might help them but remember that just because you're at the point of losing weight, they may not be (and dont have to be)

My sister is like you. Always has to be in charge of food. When we go to hers she has a menu set out. When she comes to mine, despite me saying I have it sorted she comes with a huge Aldi bag of food.

She sees herself as a matriarch figure I think and it used to annoy the hell out of me. Now I just dont bother ever providing anything and whilst I don't always go for her food, at least it's stress free.

Stop controlling everything OP. Let others do as they please.

Food is SO much more than just 'fuel', isn't it? It can be emotions too.
If your family has a history of literally not enough food, they may well overcater / eat now. I know that dynamic.
You are trying hard to lose weight, be responsible.
Your family constantly say they are too. So you cater appropriately. Medium sizes of healthy foods (the tasty toppings sound delicious to me!). Only they then bring lots of extras leading to lots of waste.
It's frustrating. And possibly difficult for you being around lots of fattening food if you are working hard to lose excess weight.

Maybe say to them that you've noticed there are lots of leftovers?
Would it be better if they brought what they fancied and you provided alcohol (if you drink and this is also v fattening...) or took them for a different kind of treat instead? (tricky with young kids etc)

Or, you just try to chill about it. They will probably keep doing what they are doing as it is coming from a place of emotion rather than reason. You are more clear headed about it but they are not ready to hear that yet. I'd undercater at your end if you feel there will be waste?

YANBU at all. They are fat because they eat far too much. Just do your own thing, and give them back the leftovers.

And MN never disappoints. I knew as soon as I saw your title that you would get loads of snarky "controlling" comments!

@ImFree2doasiwant i think your problem in how this went was the title of your thread.

If you’d called this something like “sister and mum constantly doubling up on catering”, focused primarily on why they’re doing it when you’ve said you’re sorting plenty of food that they enjoy and left out any mention of that being directly related to their weight problems (and only mentioned their weight as a passing comment “oh, and they’re both pretty overweight, so this can’t be helping, and I’m a bit overweight myself and could do without it because it makes managing it myself that much harder when they see literally ever single chance to get together as an opportunity for cake, ‘it’s a special occasion’, doubled-up quantities of everything leading to leftovers”) then this likely would have gone a very different way.

I sympathise.

You’re obviously very frustrated. You’re spending money - often at their request - on food you know they like because it’s exactly what they’d make themselves only for them to turn up with duplicates, often in ridiculous quantities that never gets eaten and they then leave you with, while you’re trying hard to tackle your own weight. So you’ve wanted money and you’re left with food that you wouldn’t necessarily want to eat for the 2-3 days while they head home. On top of that, every time time you meet up - and that can be daily - seems to be an excuse for cake, or a food-based something, that is similarly centred around excess, which is also difficult from a monetary and healthy-habit perspective.

My advice is to focus on you and what you can control. You cannot change them.

So start to say no.

For the picnics etc start doing things for you and your children and let your sister sort out herself and her kids. Even if that means you’re both making and turning up with the same things. That way anything extra she turns up with will be easier to decline.

For BBQs/dinners you’re doing at your house tell them clearly what you’re providing beforehand and what you need (if anything) them to bring. If they turn up with extra things don’t use those things and send them home with them saying that you don’t have room to store them/you’ve done your shopping for the week and they won’t get eaten so it’s a shame to waste them. (OR accept that they will do this and buy nothing, save yourself a boatload of money and just use what they bring 🤷🏻‍♀️.)

When they start to complain about their weight listen quietly for a moment, then say “yes, I know, it’s really hard isn’t it”, and then change the subject to something else.

I’m fat, it’s my own doing I eat too much don’t don't exercise enough.
I Occasionally moan about it and think I’ll do something then it doesn’t happen. That’s my business though!
I would always bring extra for a picnic or bbq, have you ever been anywhere and there wasn’t enough food? It’s not nice! They aren’t doing you any harm by bringing extra really are they 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm with you OP, even if for the slightly different reason that I HATE food waste, so yes if I'd catered for everyone coming to my house for a BBQ and ended up with 3x that amount again uneaten and potentially binned then I'd be pretty

Turning up with a token gesture is absolutely the right thing to do, for a BBQ I'd try and think outside of what is likely already there and make veg & meat kebabs or take lamb steaks or a lobster (easy & cheap round here, not as fancy as it sounds!) something like that, but not just ten tons of the exact same stuff the host already has.

I think some people have a need to over provide. This always happens when I visit my sister. She buys far more food than we need and often lots ends up in the bin. I hate waste and it makes me feel guilty. She hates the thought of anyone not having enough of what they want. We have a great relationship though and we are working on it, slowly.

I think what everyone (or most) is missing here is the manners not being shown by the family.

This is the OPs 'party/ gathering.

It's her choice what she provides. Her party.

Surely no one here would turn up at a dinner party bringing more food than their host was offering? Unthinkable!

If someone provides short rations, you just suck it up and eat when you get home.

I think it's downright rude for her family to turn up with more food than the OP is providing.

Fair enough to bring along a packet of crisps, or a cake, or something extra as a gesture. But turning up with enough food to feed an army when they know the OP is trying to lose weight is just rude and insensitive.

And it's also a bit passive aggressive because it's not being supportive of her trying to eat healthily- it's like saying 'Fuck all of that dieting lark- we're going to carrying on eating.'

I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each.

This is such a smug description of what is essentially a basic lunch. Really nice sale? Very nice extras?

I can understand from your subsequent posts why you are feeling low about it. But your OP reads to me that as you're inviting / offering you want to control the lunch and you feel undermined when they bring their own food and remove your stamp from it. A lot of people use food and over eating as a means to control things, when other aspects of their life are out of control. Do you think there could be an element of this?

It's cruel to bring their weight into it and I hope you reflect on that. You know yourself that losing weight it hard and whilst it's annoying hearing someone bang on about it, it's all consuming for the person. Tell them you don't want to talk about it anymore or shut the conversations down, but be aware that has to work both ways.

For bbqs and picnics we do this in my family. For example MIL had a bbq a few weeks ago, she said she didn't need anything. But out of courtesy we still brought extras

@DocOfTheBay

Why does 'every single family occasion' entail you insisting on providing a lunchbox, instead of everyone bringing stuff to share? Or bringing their own lunch box?

I wondered this.

It sounds very controlling,

They sound fairly normal to me.
Lets face it...salad is great if you are on a diet but at a bar b q most people head for the burgers and buns.
Great that your weight is under control but don't judge others.

@Katela18

For bbqs and picnics we do this in my family. For example MIL had a bbq a few weeks ago, she said she didn't need anything. But out of courtesy we still brought extras

Did you take extras, or did you take more than MIL was providing in the first place? A pp up thread is right, on thinking about it I'd be incredibly offended if my guests brought such a huge mountain of food along, as if they thought I wasn't capable of providing for them. If they think that then just don't accept the invite.

A token is fine, a shopping trolley's worth is not.

Yes people are stupid about what they eat and then whine about being fat

But why don't you just provide food for yourself