To think its no bloody wonder theyre fat?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

My family members. Namely mum and sister.

(I might add, I am also a bit overweight, but trying sucessfully but slowly, REALLY bloody hard to lose it)

Every single family occasion goes like this. Me and dsis taking DC on a day trip. Organising picnic. I say I'll do mine and hers. I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each. She is bringing a nice uncut loaf and butter. I've got rolls already. She has got a couple of "nice salad bits" (This will be coleslaw, couscous, bean salad etc. ) we don't need 2 or 3 more boxes of salad bits, as ive made us both a substantial, varied, filling lunch. It has cost me about £5 each. (Not complaining about the cost)

Ds birthday. Family gathering. I message to say I have stuff for a bbq. I list burgers, sausages, chicken skewers, Some marinated chicken. Lots of sides. Both ask if I need anything. No. I don't need anything else. Both arrive with huge HUGE quantities of food. I had got more than enough for Everyone. One of them brought about twice the amount I had, and the other about the same as I had. I find it really annoying, it's as if I can't possibly have provided enough food . And it irritates me that I could have just not bothered and there would still have been too much.

Yet both, one in particular, does nothing but complain about being very overweight. Surely if someone says "I'll provide lunch" you don't need to then add a load more extra stuff in.

No-one's forcing you or your kids to eat it though, so what's the problem?

Why are you taking your sister a lunch on a pic nic? Why isn't she allowed to bring her own lunch?
As for the BBQ maybe they don't think you do make enough food, or maybe they don't like your food very much so bring their own.

You sound like you're inflicting your dietary choices on them. Maybe they don't want a small roll each. Let them get on with it.

If they were turning up with an xl dominoes and 2l of coke each you might have a point.

There's me and 2 small DC , so huge quantities of leftovers are somewhat wasted here. I don't do small portions btw. I did say I'm also overweight.

I suppose it's infuriating when all I hear about (andd i really do mean a lot) is how miserable they are being overweight. And actually, for 1, it's a real worry health wise. And i also understand its not easy.

I can see I'm not coming across well here. It's somewhere to let off steam I guess.

I'm really sorry, but the "tasty topping" for your salad sounds like it could possibly be a bit.....grim?? Maybe they don't like your catering but can't bring themselves to say.

Oh no, you are like my fat shaming mother ☹️ She will say she’s packing me a lunch and it’s a bread roll With a single slice of cheese and a satsuma. She is tiny because that is all she eats all day until a very small dinner of veg and pasta. She is disgusted at my eating and very vocal about it. It doesn’t make me feel great. Yes of course my eating habits are the reason I’m fat. And your relatives are overweight because they eat too much. But please stop with the self righteous salad eating and the fat shaming nonsense. It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of, believe me ☹️

Maybe they cannot bear to feel there might be undercatering?
Not saying you are undercatering obviously but what one person regards as enough might not seem that way to another.
I like a groaning table if I cater for others, I like there to be loads of left overs so no one feels they have to go without something they like.
My SIL caters the exact amount she feels serves the number of people - there will be no left overs. So, if a quiche from Tescos states it will serve 6 then it will be cut into 6 pieces etc. She will decide that each person will eat, say, 3 small tomatoes, 6 slices of cucumber etc etc. However she then insists on serving it all 'sharing style' in serving dishes on the table and doesn't communicate the amount we are 'allowed' so -I-people get really stressed about how much to take in case there isn't enough.
If we are going there I ALWAYS take extra so I know there will be enough if one of us takes too much by mistake! That really annoys my SIL because then there are leftovers, which is of course a complete no no.

Maybe they don’t like your food, or think you provide enough. Or they’re generous.
I always like to bring stuff to contribute. You sound very controlling

Stop being food police.

I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each.

I'd be hungry after that. Maybe they knew they would have been, too, and brought extra. Maybe they don't like your salads. Maybe just let them be.

You sound like a 'one slice of chicken and two small potatoes per person' host. The flip side is that your mum and sister are concerned that you under-cater and that would be a really embarrassing party or picnic.

Just make sure you've got room in your fridge/freezer for leftovers and enjoy providing a generous meal instead.

I couldn’t turn up to a grill party or picnic and not being something with me, even if the host insisted that they had enough. It’s just rude to arrive empty-handed, I think.

I seriously doubt that their weight is due exclusively to the occasional picnic or grill. And if you’re overweight too, they are probably who the heck you think you are dictating what will be eaten at such gatherings. Maybe they don’t like the way you cook? Maybe you don’t season enough or you over-season for their liking. If I was invited to a grill and the only nears being offered by the host were chicken, sausages and (probably cheap store-bought) burgers, if he bringing my own steak from the butcher to grill. Processed food and chicken don’t belong on a grill here.

I think it’s very likely your face shows your thoughts.

They should be able to relax and eat as they wish when they’re your guests. Fat or not.

Your fat, they're fat. What's the problem early really? That your nose is out of joint!

😂 the picnic salad lunch is EXACTLY what dsis would do herself. She said she'd do the dc lunches so I've done ours. That's generally how we do things, except she's also done ours. And then there's the expectation that I'll eat the extra stuff when what I've done is plenty (honestly, I don't eat like a sparrow)

It really isn't about me not providing enough or good enough. It's just like they can't help themselves. And then food also goes to waste.

A thing is, OP, for a lot of people overeating is a symptom of being miserable - comfort eating. Yes it's likely they are overweight because they eat too much, but maybe they eat too much because they are sad, stressed, or other? Criticising what they eat or their portion size won't help, it'll probably just make them embarrassed.
You say they complain about their weight a lot, and you say you are also overweight? Why not join together and help each other?
Instead of serving a salad at a picnic (salad goes with the picnic btw, salad is a side dish 🤨), why not suggest exercising together, arrange some long walks, yoga session, something that will help you all constructively.

I regularly host bbqs and would love it if someone brought lots of food. Its bloody expensive feeding everyone. They sound lovely and generous. Surely any excess could just go in the freezer for next time or they could take leftovers gone with them

There are several explanations.

1. They dont want to be accused of being mean.
2. They think your portions are too small.
3. They think your food is not prepared hygienically and dont want to risk getting poorly.

If that’s their general approach to food - always far more than necessary and weighted towards carbs and fatty foods - then you’re right, of course, eating too much is the classic way to get and stay overweight.

That they do this when you are catering isn’t really the issue though is it? That’s just when it’s most obvious to you. And if they are constantly moaning about being overweight while actively doing the things that keep them overweight, I can see how that might grate a little. Especially if you are struggling with portion control as you try to break out of the very same behaviours.

In the end there isn’t a lot you can do about it. Your can try quietly asking if they’ve considered cutting back on what they eat the next time they moan. You can not bother preparing food next time you ask them round for a BBQ. But they are still going to be moaning about being fat and you are still going to be chaffing under the restrictions of your diet (which is unlikely to work long term unless you can make it a lifestyle change that you kind of relish, one way or another). You’re probably better off taking a nod and smile approach unless they change and really want it, though

@WantToBeMum I know this, and yes one is very very unhappy. The picnic salad was asked for. It's not a lettuce eat and half a tomato. It's a large portion of a filling, tasty , healthy lunch. I would never say anything to upset either of them and have tried really hard to be supportive with weight loss and healthier options. I can do any of the exercise things you suggest as I'm single and have 2 small DC so am incredibly limited in that respect, though I'df LOVE to be able to go for a child free walk or exercise class.

Are you that poster from a few weeks ago raging that her husband ate ALL the food at a barbecue, which was actually only a dinner roll and a chicken breast?

Do you share if you'd rather stick with your own lunch/are you expected to? At the days out/picnic part, probably not the bbq as it would be hard not to. Some of my family members also have to bring something to everywhere and it's nice but I also find it strange to double up something major, like a whole extra dessert.
Can you do more that doesn't have food as a central thing?
Can you make a plan in advance as to what you would like and intentionally go halves so that both of you are prepared for what will be contributed, and will be happy with some of the choices that are there, with the interest of cutting waste or not having to worry about re-chilling etc?

@DeeTractor No!! Honestly, at the dc bbq, there were 30 chicken drumsticks. 5 were eaten. I bought burgers and sausages from the butchers. The burgers that ended up being cooked, were the supermarket ones brought by someone else. There were approx 20 sausages left over. And loads of other chicken.

I know this is OT, but I’m wondering what the tasty toppings and very nice extras with the salad are?

I think with your attitude you're lucky they actually attend your events

@Ormally what you say about doing things not centred around food is a really good point, my family never do anything that doesn't involve food.

We do plan, that's really the issue! We plan, but no one (apart from me) takes any notice of it. I will freely admit I do like a plan.