To think its no bloody wonder theyre fat?

[ImFree2doasiwant]

My family members. Namely mum and sister.

(I might add, I am also a bit overweight, but trying sucessfully but slowly, REALLY bloody hard to lose it)

Every single family occasion goes like this. Me and dsis taking DC on a day trip. Organising picnic. I say I'll do mine and hers. I message to say I have made us both a really nice salad, with tasty topping and couple of very nice extras, plus a small roll each. She is bringing a nice uncut loaf and butter. I've got rolls already. She has got a couple of "nice salad bits" (This will be coleslaw, couscous, bean salad etc. ) we don't need 2 or 3 more boxes of salad bits, as ive made us both a substantial, varied, filling lunch. It has cost me about £5 each. (Not complaining about the cost)

Ds birthday. Family gathering. I message to say I have stuff for a bbq. I list burgers, sausages, chicken skewers, Some marinated chicken. Lots of sides. Both ask if I need anything. No. I don't need anything else. Both arrive with huge HUGE quantities of food. I had got more than enough for Everyone. One of them brought about twice the amount I had, and the other about the same as I had. I find it really annoying, it's as if I can't possibly have provided enough food . And it irritates me that I could have just not bothered and there would still have been too much.

Yet both, one in particular, does nothing but complain about being very overweight. Surely if someone says "I'll provide lunch" you don't need to then add a load more extra stuff in.

My stepmum decided I was to have less food in my teens/20s than my much younger siblings because I was too fat (size 10-12 at 5’7”) I hated going to dinner with her it was embarrassing and I felt ashamed. I’d loved to have had the confidence to turn up armed with food.

Maybe they think you can’t afford a decent feed and think they’re helping out? If someone was feeding me food fit for a sparrow every time I’d probably start questioning it and ‘helping out’ too.

Read the recent thread on here about why people are overweight.

Stop judging your relatives

You said:
it's as if I can't possibly have provided enough food
Maybe this is the case or they don’t like your food.

Agree with other posters - You sound like the food police.

I don't think it is anything wrong with your food, or the quantity- like you say, you like to eat and you know them. I think you are providing what they want to want to eat, but other issues mean that they see socialising as an excuse for a guilt free meal, or have fear of being hungry, or of being thought mean, so psychologically they need to bring those extras. Try to see it as some kind of expression of love from your mum, if food was tight as a child, or of a need they need to fulfill.

Reading your posts ImFree2doasiwant it does seem that the underlying issue for you is the waste. Is some of that in relation to your upbringing and perhaps your circumstances now?

We are all the product of our life experiences.

My own issues around food are to do with choice. Growing up we would have lots of food in terms of quantity but no choice. We had to eat what was put on our plates and plates had to be cleared. Food was focussed entirely on what DF liked to eat (mainly casseroles with overcooked potatoes). My reaction to this now is that I need to have choice and I still cant not clear my plate.

Your wording 'a small roll each' made me think that this might be connected to portion control.

I took a couple of items of food to my PIL's bbq - some veggie sausages and another dish. Glad I did as there was no other veggie food and they ran out of rolls and I would have been hungry as we were there for hours.
They eat small portions and don't cater for the right amount - maybe this is why your family bring extra. It's miserable to be somewhere for hours snd hungry.

To be honest, they seem really generous. Be glad they are.

I'd rather go to their bbq than yours 😂😂😂 Having a picnic or bbq with family and friends is a treat! It's okay to over indulge once in a while. Why are you bothered about their weight anyway!????

They sound nice to bring extra food. I would love family like yours, they're considerate and kind. You could always save left overs for the next day, or send them home with it. Their weight is none of your business though, sorry. The amount of times I've hosted many a bbq and no family member brought anything! Once I was invited to bils house warming bbq only to be told to bring my own meat and drinks!!! Literally we had to bring our own meal to eat! I brought a pack of sausages because we can't eat alot and drinks!!! I didn't bring extra to share like I normally would (like a cheesecake) because I was fuming. People can be so stingy 😂 why host if you don't want to provide anything?! To be fair they did provide a bottle of ketchup and napkins!!!!

@alphabetsoup1980

I'd rather go to their bbq than yours 😂😂😂 Having a picnic or bbq with family and friends is a treat! It's okay to over indulge once in a while. Why are you bothered about their weight anyway!????

I think the key words in that are 'treat' and 'once in a while'. The OP has clearly said that it's not once in a while but all the time, and that the people concerned also voice their concerns about their own weight.

Also, who wouldn't care about a family member's weight if it enters "causing them distress/physical health problems" territory?

Goodness me, you’ve had a hard time! Your family sounds like mine where treat food is a love language’. Maybe they don’t want you to be burdened with the cost of catering so are trying to ‘help out’.

Echoing the posters that say portion up the leftovers and give them back.

This happens at our family bbqs. I'm the chronic over caterer as I panic that there won't be enough food. I do have good reason for it and I'm aware that i do it as is everyone else. Won't go into details but neglected as a child and was not fed regularly.

We usually meet at my very lovely SIL and she sends us off with a food package and lets her teenagers annihilate the rest of the food.

Try not to let it wind you up. Just have some foil ready to wrap food up and send them back home. Or find some teenagers with hollow legs.

@ImFree2doasiwant

I was going to say I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't get the daily "I'm so fat " conversation. But actually, I do kind because one of them is eating herself into an early grave. And while I don't pass comment about them eating too much etc, she will openly ridicule another family member for eating too much/too fast/being fat.

I do think I'm going to have to try and shut these conversations down though. I'm.at a really difficult time in my life and don't seem to have the capacity to take this on aswell. It's very draining.

I have relatives who moan incessantly about stuff - been going on for 30 years. They have no interest in changing. I agree it IS draining. I have health problems and find stress aggravates them so I have worked very hard on fixing my codependent tendencies.

That's all any of us can do really - work on ourselves - maintain boundaries. My DH pointed out I was constantly complaining about my relatives constantly complaining

I now have a mental Rolodex of platitudes I trot out to deflect them, followed by Changing the Subject, followed by excuses why I have to go.

@ImFree2doasiwant
People seem incapable of actually reading.

People are reading, you’re not willing to listen because people aren’t saying what you want to hear. Stop being controlling over what other’s eat, if your attitude on this thread is anything to go by, that probably comes across in these circumstances with your family.

@gower4

I'm really sorry, but the "tasty topping" for your salad sounds like it could possibly be a bit.....grim?? Maybe they don't like your catering but can't bring themselves to say.

I sort of see where you're coming from.

If they are complaining about being overweight you believe by providing some low fat 'healthy' food at a picnic or event you are actually doing them a favour and caring about them?

However, although you are not telling them directly that you will be providing a small portion of something (so no overeating) or a low fat salady plate because you want to provide something healthier, they have clearly got this message loud and clear and provide extra items to make up for your deficit, sort of like "oh, if gower is doing the picnic/barbeque then we will need to bring xx along too.

I think its best in future to just provide for your own needs, let them bring for themselves.

To add, have you tried LCHF way of eating? I can recommend looking at the www.dietdoctor.com site. I successfully lost and kept off 100lbs more than four years ago doing this. Never hungry and deprived. Good luck.

Oh dear, I meant to link that to OP's post. Sorry gower and ImFree2doasiwant

Yeah, that's rude. If you make an effort to plan a meal they shouldn't turn up with extras. Its likely booking a nice set meal at a restaurant and turning up with some random extras. Part of dining with somebody is trusting in them to provide for you showing willingness to eat their food. That's the social contract. If you do typically underfeed them they should address that directly with you.

I think you don't make enough food so rather than be rude and say something they bring extra

TBH I wouldn't like feeling as though I was being told what to eat. On the surface the lunchbox thing seems nice, but could be seen as a bit controlling. As others have said, pitching in is normal for BBQs and picnics. If I turned up empty handed, I would feel rude, even if it was family.

@GoldenKelpie if I says I was bringing large club sandwiches each, quiche, pork pies, scotch eggs, and bacon mayo potato salad, with cheese and crackers, and cake, they'd still do it and if get comments about not eating bread or counting calories.

Jesus. If this is how you talk about and think of your family I dread to think how you talk about strangers. Yeah they’re being unreasonable to bring stuff when you’ve said they don’t need to, but to start harping on about their weight is a bit low OP. I wouldn’t ever turn up empty handed to a family do where someone was doing all the catering and neither would any of my family. Yeah maybe you end up with too much stuff but is that really the end of the world? I don’t think being generous in what you decide to bring to somewhere necessarily means you’re going to be fat. Are you a bit of a control freak OP? Because you sound it.

Don't have time to read 6 pages but...if they are family, can't you just be honest? If this was me, I'd simply tell them not to bring so much as we can't eat it and it will be wasted.

Presumably they take some home- or do they eat the whole blinking lot?

I don't know what a salad with a 'tasty topping'is.

what is it OP?

If I make a salad, it's a green salad, with maybe sliced peppers, tomatoes, cucumber, etc - but 'topping'? I'd serve a salad with some protein- chicken, ham, prawns, tuna mayo, quiche....

what do you make?

Stop doing food based activities with your family , its becoming an obsession on both sides !

Your description of a roll as small would have me bringing food too!

You sound controlling over food.

I would always bring a contribution to shared meals, always. Even if told it was fine as I would assume that was pilot Ness, not an instruction not to bring anything.

It's weird to take offence at family members being generous and sharing food.

If there are weight issues then they won't solely be caused by family shared meals, nor will they be solved by you policing portion size at occasional events.

OP they are family. Can't you be frank? Next time they complain about being overweight, what's stopping you mentioning the tonnes of food they bring to top up your catering- and say that in your opinion their portion sizes are just too big compared to what is healthy?

As a family, we could have that type of conversation with no offence being taken.

There are some people who make a master class of being offended by anything it seems.