Child coming home from father filthy.

[darrenlacey]

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

Yes I would. I know everyone on here thinks every child should have a relationship with their dad regardless on whether they're crap, but I don't care. That would drive me potty OP. He won't take you to court so I wouldn't worry about that. Maybe ask the children and see what they want to do?

Well the kids think the sun shines out of his arse because he lets them eat crap and stay up til 4am !

Being in the same clothes for 24 hours is fine . Having a relationship with their Dad is more important so I think yabu

Being in the same clothes for 24 hours is fine
Not if the child is sleeping in them too - that’s neglect.

24 hours without changing clothes is fine. At 7 your daughter should know she has to wash and brush her teeth surely?
And the whole point of going to stay with dad, or gran has, since time immemorial been to eat crap and stay up late.
He may be a shit father in other ways. What you've described doesn't make it sound like he is particularly.

For now I would take photos and keep a journal. I would also resign myself to him not paying for anything but keep chasing.

Dd7 has high functioning autism, mental age of about 4 so no she can't take the initiative to change and brush teeth herself.

I am amazed that people think fathers aren’t responsible for basic hygiene and care?!

I was going to say YANBU however, then brought money into it and now i can't help but think it's actually about the money.

YANBU unreasonable about the clothing, however, at 7 your daughter should be able to put her on PJs on and day clothes on in the morning. Just a prompt for brushing teeth and hair.

My YANBU also extends to your children visiting in a bed sit - maybe the bathroom is not safe or hygienic. Have you asked that?

Let them see him but no overnight stays?

Just read your update (Cross post), YANBU.

Ps where is the bathroom..... is this accommodation safe for children?

Pp Father's aren't responsible for basic care and hygiene. Ask the law. Fact. It's impossible to prove.

@Suzi888 he has his own bathroom, just the kitchen area/lounge/bedroom all in one room.

It wouldn't be fair to stop contact when they love their Dad.
He may be hopeless but unless the DC are in danger I think keeping them away would be cruel.
They are old enough to brush their teeth and change their clothes without prompting so I'd be talking to them about doing such things.
It sounds like he is struggling and if you've £300 to spend on dd's uniform then a few more pounds for shoes and bras shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

And the whole point of going to stay with dad, or gran has, since time immemorial been to eat crap and stay up late.

What?! Why are you equating staying with a parent to a treat sleepover at gran's house?! It's not the same thing at all! So a dad should be held to lower standards than a mum?

Just seen update

would shorter daytime only contact work?
A bedsit to host two girls on a regular basis doesn't sound great.

@RedHelenB

Being in the same clothes for 24 hours is fine . Having a relationship with their Dad is more important so I think yabu

No this is not right at all. It’s very lazy of the dad! They are girls too so need to learn good personal hygiene. A quick shower... there’s no excuse for this slackness from the dad. Not brushing your teeth? Vile!

@Suzi888

Ps where is the bathroom..... is this accommodation safe for children?

What on Earth are you talking about

I would stop over night contact but not stop contact fully.
Is your older DD not able to help younger DD with remembering to do this stuff?

I would separate the two issues... one is money and the other is how they are looked after.

I wouldn’t stop contact if children are happy seeing their dad, does he live near enough to see them for the day and bring them back to you that evening?

At 7 your daughter should know she has to wash and brush her teeth surely

Yes let’s blame the 7 year old in this situation 🙄

Let’s face it, if the OP’s child went into school filthy, smelly and with matted hair and said “I don’t brush my teeth, shower or ever change my clothes at mum’s house and I stay up til 4am and eat nothing but sweets (or other crap) social services would be notified and it would be argued that the children’s care or lack of, is more important than their time with their mum.

OP I get it’s frustrating I’m going through similar with my ex. Do you have a court order?

That’s neglect! I can’t believe people are ok with that! Imagine sending her to school filthy and unkempt? I would imagine you’d be reported to social services! OP I’d keep a note of these things and take photos.

Sorry, don't mean to drip feed but my eldest dd has only been seeing him for the last few months. She stopped after Christmas because he was binge drinking, swore at her and was aggressive at his new (and sixth in a year) girlfriend's house then initially refused to drive her back home to me when she told him she wanted to leave.

He has a huge history of changing jobs, residence, girlfriends (all six in the space of a year were hosts to his weekends with them), exhibiting aggressive driving and punching walls, breaking things in front of them.