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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child coming home from father filthy.

226 replies

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 19:47

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

OP posts:
CelestialSpanking · 23/08/2020 20:07

And the whole point of going to stay with dad, or gran has, since time immemorial been to eat crap and stay up late.
He’s the other parent! Not a grandparent or whatever. No, he should be held up to the same standard as the child’s mum. Ffs why do so many people have such low standards for grown men including those who are fathers?

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:09

He moved a two hour drive away just before Christmas to move in with the last girlfriend. He had been living and working fairly close to us for about six months previous but typically got into debt with his landlord and fled the property to live with the girlfriend.

So it's not entirely feasible for him to see them just for the day at the moment. Although he does have parents living locally to us.

OP posts:
Skingaling · 23/08/2020 20:09

If my ex did any one of those things in your last post I would do my very best to make sure he didn't see my DD at all.

Skingaling · 23/08/2020 20:10

2nd to last post.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:10

The issue I have is that they love him to bits.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/08/2020 20:11

Hiow did shs ger so fillhy and matted in 24 hours?
If they enjoy going to see him and they not covered in faeces you might have to let it go.
Maybe dd refused to take dress off ?
Also you cannot rely on the words of four year okd (takkng her develpmental age)
You coukd ring safeguarding lead at school ask for advice
Maybe have him drop them off at school after an overnight then you would have witnesses to their state of neglect.

But if court ordered contact you need legal advice

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/08/2020 20:11

What are his parents like?

Could they use that as a meeting base? So you drop off and collect from there on the same day?

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:12

Sorry, more drip feeding! There is no court order. He wouldn't take me to court. He can not afford to pay solicitors and would never represent himself.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 23/08/2020 20:13

They are girls too so need to learn good personal hygiene.

What does being girls have to do with it? Don't boys need to learn good hygiene too?

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/08/2020 20:13

they not covered in faeces you might have to let it go.

Wow... I have even higher standards than this for how my dog is looked after.

Embracelife · 23/08/2020 20:13

Oh well

exhibiting aggressive driving and punching walls, breaking things in front of them

That is reason to stop contact.
Failing to brush hair is not a big enough reason on its own

But you need evidence police reports etc

Muzzyarker · 23/08/2020 20:14

Staying in clothes that a child has slept in is not neglect. In some parts of the world children don't have more than one set of clothes. Let your daughter's have a relationship with their father. No financial contribution is not a reason to stop contact, neither is a bit of dirt, junk food and late nights. If he is not harming them why would you not let them see him. It doesn't sound ideal but I personally don't believe you should deny them that basic right, how dare MN strangers suggest he shouldn't see his children. But that's MN for you, judgement capital of the first world.

BitOfFun · 23/08/2020 20:14

His parents seem the obvious answer. But you do need a court order really.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2020 20:14

The children love him and want to see him. It doesn't sound as though he's endangering them at the present time so I cant see why you would stop contact now.
I'm sure of it went to court there woukd be contact granted.

Embracelife · 23/08/2020 20:14

Oh well if no court order then just stop overnight and offer to drop them at his family so he sees them there.

KarenFitzkaren · 23/08/2020 20:15

The money is a separate issue. Its not great that they're not getting changed or brushing their teeth but for short periods of time, I wouldn't stop contact. So they like seeing their dad? Can you talk to him about changing their clothes etc? Will he listen? These are the things that you need to consider? The money is nothing to do with the kids, we'll you shouldn't make it about that anyway. Go through the legal processes for that.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:15

@Embracelife my 11 year old confirms the lack of hygiene but at the moment says they are loved and very much on the side of her dad. They stay up til early hours together and he gets takeaways and eat crap - no nagging from mother so she loves it.

Usually he has a girlfriend that they have to stay with to see him so she has really enjoyed the last few months of him being single.

I don't know how dd7 got so filthy.

OP posts:
Muzzyarker · 23/08/2020 20:15

And as you said, "they love him to bits".

Bourbonbiccy · 23/08/2020 20:15

If the kids love him and they are not in any danger, then I would let them see him.

Has he stopped binge drinking now ?

if she is autistic will the disruption and not understanding why she can't see her dad have a bigger impact on her then the same clothes for 24hours ??

LunchBoxPolice · 23/08/2020 20:16

Some of you have very low standards of parenting indeed.

Yanbu op. The first post didn’t paint him in a very good light and the subsequent posts show him to be a waste of space.

Bourbonbiccy · 23/08/2020 20:16

To add yes it's not right he's crap, but it also not your daughters fault he's crap.

Hairhelp234 · 23/08/2020 20:17

Staying in clothes that a child has slept in is not neglect. In some parts of the world children don't have more than one set of clothes.

That’s not what we’re taking about though. Keeping pj’s on until lunch is completely different than keeping clothes on from previous day, sleeping in the (at 4am), then staying in them the next day. This is the neglect of Basic cleanliness, self care and hygiene.

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 23/08/2020 20:19

In 24 hours your DDs hair did not become matted, maybe a little untidy but not matted so you are exaggerating this situation to meet your needs.

Yes the kids should absolutely be changing clothes at bedtime and brushing teeth, having a face wash.

It wouldn't bother me that much if they then got redressed in the same clothes the next day.

It does seem that you are generally unhappy with your ex and are looking for reasons to stop contact. I do however think that a basic discussion on expectations for hygiene like getting changed for bed, and routing such as latest acceptable bedtime, would be warranted.

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/08/2020 20:19

In some parts of the world children don't have more than one set of clothes.

In some parts of the world children don’t go to school, they work from the age of 4, they drink dirty water... doesn’t make it right!!!!!!

52andblue · 23/08/2020 20:19

I'd stop it if you can.
My two are also ASD so need prompts re hygiene and clothing FAR more / later age than NT kids. They are also brought back from their Dad' smelly, despite a rucksack of stuff gone with them. So, at home, I chase them till they wash, change, brush. He might ask them (if he remembers, but not check its done as he's too busy watching TV)
But the constant changing of hosting girlfriends, aggressive driving, punching walls sounds worse to me.
Yes, they 'love' him as he lets them do whatever they want.
But he is not a good influence on them.
Whether you can stop it legally I dont' know.
My exH is also yet to pay a penny in CM - deadbeat Dads all round :(