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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child coming home from father filthy.

226 replies

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 19:47

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

OP posts:

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:56

@BertieBotts I understand. I know courts have an extremely high bar to reach proof of neglect etc, and they would continue contact.

I do feel 99% confident that he would never take me to court. He just wouldn't even go there/cope, and can't afford a solicitor.

OP posts:

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/08/2020 20:57

The aggressive behaviour and bad driving would also be a good reason!

52andblue · 23/08/2020 20:58

But OP
He gets aggressive with your disabled 7 year old?
He frightens your 11 year old with his aggressive driving?

this matters more than sleeping bags/ smelly clothes / takeaways

They may 'love' him but kids will put up with a lot from a parent who is damaging them, because they love them. Still doesn't make it right.
They are not old enough to step up and make the decision that they shouldnt be around this but you are. I'd make that for them given all you've said. Can you meet up for the day once a month or something?

Catandkittens · 23/08/2020 20:58

You dont have the right to halt contact. They are his children too. But perhaps not overnight. Have you asked him why he doesn't change the younger ones clothes or supervise them to brush their teeth and brush their hair?

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:58

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

yes I understand what you mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:01

@52andblue yes I could suggest just days.

The issue with that is, he moved 2 hrs away to be with the last girlfriend. He now has a bedpost in the area.

For him to spend only a day with them is 8 hours driving in one day. He does have both his mum, and his father and step mum local to me though so could possibly stay at either of theirs overnight.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2020 21:01

@ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress

24 hours without changing clothes is fine. At 7 your daughter should know she has to wash and brush her teeth surely? And the whole point of going to stay with dad, or gran has, since time immemorial been to eat crap and stay up late. He may be a shit father in other ways. What you've described doesn't make it sound like he is particularly.

Going to bed in the clothes you've worn all day and will wear the next is 'fine'?

Is it buggery.

No teeth cleaning, no washing, crap food?

Good job their mother doesn't have the same attitude to parenting. How is it not shit?

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:02

@52andblue

Also, DD was telling me about his behaviour (exactly the kind of behaviour he exhibited with me when we were together) but now says he's changed.

OP posts:

Singinginshower · 23/08/2020 21:02

Do you have enough of a relationship with his parents to discuss this with them?

willowmelangell · 23/08/2020 21:04

have you asked him why his dc come back unwashed and not used toothbrush?

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:04

@Catandkittens at the moment he has me blocked, but I will ask him when he unblocks me if he could make sure their teeth and hair are brushed. Best case scenario is he would do this for a few weekends with them before lapsing into nothing again. True to form.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 21:04

@darrenlacey it’s a tough situation. He’s their dad and they obviously love him. He’s clearly got issues that I don’t think he’s going to address.
Does he want them overnight? I would’ve thought it easier to just have them during the day, then at night he can relax /drink/ etc could you work that angle?

From what others have said, the courts may not support you and your children want to go. Such a horrible situation for you.
Where does everyone sleep... I can see your 11 year old not wanting to sleep there soon in any case. She will want total privacy!
I honestly don’t know what you can do. I guess he doesn’t have the money to do much with them in the day either.

Twigletfairy · 23/08/2020 21:05

Visibly dirty clothes aren't really the issue here. Both my daughters are quite frequently in visibly dirty clothes and I don't change them as soon as they get dirty or is would end up changing them about 5 times a day.

I truly see why you're upset, but the dirty clothes is the least of your worries. I would be wanting supervised contact only. Are his parents reliable? Would they help the girls with their hygiene? Would they be able to keep him in line if he started getting aggressive? If you could trust them I would be telling him that all contact needs to be at their house from now on

canyoucallbacklater · 23/08/2020 21:05

OP, come on.

He is violent in front of them, drinks excessively, doesn't wash them, makes them sleep on the floor because he won't buy them bedding and sits in his parades them in front of his new conquests who he barely knows?

What if he hits them? Or there's an accident? Or he drives drunk with them and crashes? Or one of the stranger's houses they're at turns out to be abusive? Or any other manner of behaviour that seems in character?

It doesn't matter if they enjoy spending time with him. You both have a duty of care as parents, he's failing drastically so, unfortunately, you need to put your foot down - regardless of whether that makes you the bad guy. You need to keep them safe.

He can either have them for the day or he has them overnight at his parents - his choice. If he wants them on his terms he can see you in court.

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:06

@Singinginshower to be honest they are sick of it all. They have had 11 years of his crap.

They have helped him in many ways over the years but he is unable to stick to anything - jobs, girlfriends, residence etc

They would offer to host contact and have done in the past but it never sticks.

OP posts:

Bravefarts · 23/08/2020 21:07

My dad was like this. It shows an underlying lack of respect and care for your children. A good enough father does not do this.

grey12 · 23/08/2020 21:10

Staying in the same clothes is not the end of the world but staying up until 4am at thise ages is not ok!!! Kids have to sleep.

They need to see their father but maybe just during the day and not stay over? You could pick them up just before bedtime.

Embracelife · 23/08/2020 21:10

But if shehas been there in day and they were out playing rolling down hills or such she could have come back in dirty clothes. From having a fun day out. Dirty clothes are not per se an issue in of themselves. Kids play and get dirty. It s normal.
"My kid was out all day and came home needing a bath" that s normal . My kid s clothes were dirty after playing outside. That s normal.
So focus on everything else

MeridianB · 23/08/2020 21:11

The neglect is lousy, as is the complete lack of sleeping arrangements. But the regularly erratic and violent behaviour they’ve witness is totally unacceptable. Even if he’s stopped now, I’d want to know he was completely, consistently responsible before more overnights.

Don’t think about what a court would want and don’t be completely driven by what your young daughters want. Think about what is the very best for them at this impressionable age, esp the little one who needs a lot more support.

As a compromise, could you change his contact to his parents/sister so there is a suitable environment, responsible adults and some security for them.

Soontobe60 · 23/08/2020 21:12

For those of you saying its neglect, have you never sent your child on a school camp where they seem to stay in the same clothes for days!!!

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:12

@canyoucallbacklater

This is honestly how I feel and have done for a long time .

My partner and father can't stand him but always err on the side of "the kids will resent you, he's their dad they should get to see him", so I end up feeling like I'm over reacting.

I do often think, if anything awful happened while they were with him (DUI car crash, for example) I would never forgive myself and should probably be sent to prison myself for knowing what he is often like and sending them anyway..

But can you stop them seeing him unsupervised based on a "what if....?" When most of the time, he's 'ok'?

I was there myself when in a relationship with him. He is funny, charming, sweet, loving. The girls deserve to feel loved by their dad.

But he has that other side to him. He raped me and was often violent. I still went back to him and had a second child with him. Most of the time he is ok.

OP posts:

Idontlikeyoghurt · 23/08/2020 21:12

Yanbu. He should make sure she's washed and changed and teeth and hair brushed. That's his duty as a parent!

GlummyMcGlummerson · 23/08/2020 21:13

God OP I feel you!! My exH pisses me off he has our 2 EOW, when I pick them up they're absolutely knackered because he lets them stay up late, brushed DS' hair but not DD's (shes 8 and does it herself but it's very long and she can't manage the back) and they both suffer with eczema and I can tell he hasn't changed them a lot of the time because their eczema gets really bad.

But yes they too think the sun shines out his backside 🙄

However my ex has a 3 bed house, pays maintenance etc so I tolerate it but in your case I definitely wouldn't. What would he do if, heaven forbid, something happened to you and he had to be in sole charge of them? Send them to school in rags?

coldwarenigma · 23/08/2020 21:14

I was also going to say, daytime visits. Its not great, he needs to get to grips with it but the other stuff is more the issue. It then struck me
He has a 15 year history of alcoholism and violent behaviour. the children are 11 and 7...so at what point was he ever going to be a good bet for father of the year?
Living in a bedsit? Well yes, it's all a lot of men can afford, particularly if they have MH/addiction issues. They don't get benefits help for flats/houses to have their kids to stay. Depending on area they can also be expensive.

Honestly I'm not trying to defend him but it looks like poor decisions have been made by the both the adults in these childrens lives.

Does he recognise he has problems? Will he try to seek help? Will family help him?

He obviously has some redeeming features or OP wouldn't have DC with him.

Original poster

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 21:14

@Embracelife it's the fact I had sent her to his in those clothes, he had not bothered to change her into the pyjamas I had packed, them the next morning not bothered to change her into the fresh clothes I had packed.

OP posts:

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