Child coming home from father filthy.

[darrenlacey]

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

@darrenlacey - apologies, I misread the post about sleeping arrangements.

And fair enough. If dd is compliant for you I'd be inclined to agree it's not a flashpoint overall.

So yes, if a child turned up at school clearly unwashed/unkempt and was obviously wearing clothes from the previous day, which had also been slept in, it would certainly raise concerns. So this situation to me is no different.

Honestly, I know you’re in a really difficult position op as you’re tied to this man forever, whether you like it or not. Also, you feel quite rightly that it’s partly your job to enable them to have a relationship with their father.

However, you have an overall duty of care for these girls, and handing them over to this cockwomble is the opposite of that. I really hope he’s compliant re: daytime visits only. I absolutely, 100% wouldn’t be letting them spend the night there. Have you seen his bedsit? What sort of state must it be in if he can’t even meet the kids’ basic hygiene needs, and is a “pig” as you describe him? 🤢

Plus I can’t get past the fact that he fucking RAPED you.

The rape was 10 years ago. It was a punishment. Not that the time negates it but I did go back to him afterwards. I don't regret my DDs but I do regret all my stupid decisions.

I would not let my children go to the household of somebody who raped me unless it was court ordered. Even if it was I would ignore the court order for as long as possible.

If he can punish you with violence and sexual violence then he has the capacity to do this to other people. What makes you think your daughters are safe?

No overnight stays. Perhaps he can take them for days out regularly to help you out, pick them up from school drop them to you etc. The girls will soon be old enough to have a view on whether they wish to see him. It’s difficult when you are the only paying parent but try and bite your lip, you are stronger and a better parent than him

@darrenlacey

The rape was 10 years ago. It was a punishment. Not that the time negates it but I did go back to him afterwards. I don't regret my DDs but I do regret all my stupid decisions.

Awful. Awful bully.

And what happens when your eldest does something bad? What will her punishment be?

She’s going to secondary next year I presume. What she is exposed to and what she does will change fundamentally between now and next year. My dd has just completed yr7. It really is a baptism of fire. Think massive turmoil in friendships; it’s waaaay beyond leaving kids out and x wore the same shorts / top / coat as y and they laughed at me type stuff.

Please stop this contact.
From now on it MUST be supervised - maybe his parents can do this.
I work in child protection and if this were on the radar of a SW they would be questioning your own ability to keep your children safe because you are knowingly sending them into the care of a man who you know you be a violent, aggressive sex offender. The neglect was awful enough but the rest of what you've shared is very scary.
Also....please take a look at this and consider some input for yourself as I think your decision making and establishment of boundaries is being impaired by the abuse you experienced yourself.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Come on people. If the OP 'cared' for her children in the same manner, on a daily basis, as her exH you'd all be shouting neglect.
It's not right, just because it's only every weekend doesn't make it right. It is neglectful.
Imagine if something happened to the OP and the children's Dad became their full time carer.........would you find this level of parenting ok?
OP I think you've become desensitized to some degree and obviously want your DD's to be happy and have a relationship with their Dad.
In my opinion it's time review this situation, maybe get SS involved. Your children deserve better.

It's strange how if a woman posted here saying I love this man but he punches the walls and is an alcoholic the first responses would be 'Leave him.'
But for some reason when it's children who really don't have any say in their lives we're supposed to applaud his shambolic life and violence because he's trained the kids to react with overcompensation to any threats.
These girls are learning to appease men (including lying to their mother) at all costs and to constantly reiterate their affection in the hope that the 'high' of takeaway and watching trash all night will eliminate the low of being treated poorly.

A good dad is a hero, a bad dad is nothing but a sperm donor. Ban all visits now, this is a terrible person who can only do harm.

My ex is similar SS we’re obsessed with the kids seeing them. Eventually he punched his girlfriend while my kids were staying, I ended up supervising the kids while we went to the cinema, then on one trip he embarrassed all of us by getting drunk, then SS wanted me to arrange supervised visits, I told them no way. I just wish I’d never bothered letting him see the kids at all.

Some men don’t deserve their kids, they gave some sperm but they’re useless at best, harmful at worst.

The more I read in your posts, OP, the more stunned I am about you allowing overnights. It’s so, so grim. Your poor daughters. He does nothing for them and tries to win their loyalty by treating them like mates from the pub.

@darrenlacey

The rape was 10 years ago. It was a punishment. Not that the time negates it but I did go back to him afterwards. I don't regret my DDs but I do regret all my stupid decisions.

What?!

Again...why is your thread about dirty clothes ??!

It might drive you potty but in 20 years do you want to be the parent that prevented a relationship with their dad because he didn't get them changed. He doesn't sound like a great parent but your children will come to recognise that pretty quickly on their own.

@yuckusernames

It might drive you potty but in 20 years do you want to be the parent that prevented a relationship with their dad because he didn't get them changed. He doesn't sound like a great parent but your children will come to recognise that pretty quickly on their own.

You might want to read the whole thread.

@Catandkittens

Why did you have two kids with this man?? He sounds awful

Asked and answered.

Although what do you want her to do now? Send them back?

FFS

You’re indulging him with several replies to his drivel messages. Stop that, be a boring broken record, flat, grey rock. Of course your kids think they ‘love him to bits’, kids feel like they love whatever trash breeds them, until they can think for themselves. Being burdened with abuser/s for parents destroys people for life, are these kids having counselling yet? Having a rapist, violent alco for a ‘father’ will be hugely damaging to them, being made to go to the doss house of a rapist isn’t ideal.

ButtonMoonLoon I’m surprised. Social Services insisted my kids saw my alcoholic, drug addict ex.

They don't know he raped me and I don't plan on ever telling them.

Should I just suddenly stop all contact. Because of my stupidity they have a bond with him now

I would push for supervised visitations in a visitation centre; and hopefully that will put ex off!! I wouldn’t allow over night visits ever again, or supervised personally. Not worth the risk.

I would be happier for the children to spend the day with their father not over night.

The rape is so awful and it speaks to a very warped personality as it was a calculated punishment. So even if he never lays a finger on DDs, he’s influencing them in other ways.

You have many, many good reasons to stop the overnights now. If he can spend a few hours with DDs at his parents and chooses not to then that speaks volumes.

Are you close to his parents? Could you explain your concerns about the neglect, poor diet and sleeping schedules and arrangements, the stream of strange women and the need for some grown-up presence?

It's not neglect over a 24 hour period and you have an ex who is living in a bedsit. In what works do you think they have the cash to stump up for extras, it's not right, but be logical for goodness sakes.

He sees his children, they have fun. Insist they change their clothes, or they only go for day visits. Job done.

It's not for you to stop contact. You're both parents. You're being controlling.

Well that will teach me to RTFT. If they are experiencing all this upheaval, binge drinking, violence and aggression. Multiple relationships, lack of stability, routine and apparent safeguarding. Why on earth are you still sending them? Stop it now, it makes you complicit in the potential risk posed to the children.

Of course you don't send them. It's not safe. Supervised contact is appropriate, they maintain their relationship, but are safe!

I think some fathers aren't worth having a relationship with.
And you had me at the bedsit. Is there a shared bathroom and who else has access to it? Also, a girl who is old enough to wear a bra needs more privacy than this.
Perhaps you should insist on supervised access in more suitable surroundings. And tell him that you'll be tipping off HMRC about his cash in hand job unless some of that cash comes your way.