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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child coming home from father filthy.

226 replies

darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 19:47

Child’s father has form for being a crap parent in numerous ways.

My two daughters were with him at his bedsit for 24hours this weekend. Youngest daughter, 7, has come home in the same clothes I sent her in. She confirms she hasn’t changed once, not even for sleep. Her dress is covered In filth and her hair matted.

They never brush their hair or teeth when with him. My oldest is 11 so changed her clothes herself (I provide rucksack with clothes and toiletries for both of them).

In addition, (and yes I know that unpaid maintenance would have no bearing on a child contact arrangement in court) he doesn’t pay maintenance (at the moment he is doing a shady cash in hand job so can’t go through CMS) , and myself and my partner have just forked £300 out for my eldest dd’s secondary school uniform and have asked for a contribution towards both dd’s school shoes and a couple of bras for eldest dd.

He has responded “I have fucking bills to pay wtf.”

AIBU to put a halt on contact?

OP posts:
Embracelife · 23/08/2020 20:20

It s not about low standards it is knowing that court is unlikely to stop contact in these circs

There is a great deal of leeway for standards when it comes to children seeing a parent

Having court ordered supervised contact needs a lot more evidence than clothes not changed for 24 hours.

But if mo court order op can do as she likes...however given the dc apparently want to see dad.....

BornOnThe4thJuly · 23/08/2020 20:20

@Suzi888

Let them see him but no overnight stays?
This is what I was going to say. I would let him take them to the park, cinema, lunch or bike ride, but I wouldn’t want to carry on with the overnights. Nothing to do with the maintenance though, it has to be a totally separate issue, however infuriating it is.
Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:20

@Bourbonbiccy

I have no evidence to suggest that he is binge drinking currently, but all I have is my 11 year old daughters assessment to go on.

He has a 15 year history of alcoholism and violent behaviour.

He regularly punches walls and breaks things when he gets angry (which is a lot).

However, I have always come down on the side of "they love him, he loves them, better they see him than not".

He has had ups and downs in his care of them since we split in 2014. A lot of neglect, drinking etc but he does love them.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 20:22

@user1473878824 Confused some bedsits have communal areas....

Obviously this is a self contained unit so doesn’t apply.

Supersimkin2 · 23/08/2020 20:23

They 'love him to bits' cos he's the bad kid in class who encourages them to be naughty, not as a father.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:23

@TorysSuckRevokeArticle50

Ok, very knotted. Not brushed.

Believe me, I have been VERY tolerant of him for many years and often wonder if I am neglecting my children by being so.

OP posts:
52andblue · 23/08/2020 20:24

I wouldn't want young kids trapped overnight with someone who has a long history of violent behaviour and binge drinking. How would they get help if he had a lapse in any way when they were there?

Noneformethanks · 23/08/2020 20:24

Court is unlikely to stop contact it’s crap parenting but not enough to meet the standard for neglect or removal of contact. Sorry. I’ve been there. It’s shit.

Jellybeansincognito · 23/08/2020 20:24

so he isn’t doing anything in regards to basic care?

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:25

@52andblue my eldest has a phone and is regularly in contact with me via WhatsApp.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:25

@Noneformethanks yes I'm aware that court wouldn't stop contact. He would never take me to court, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:27

@Jellybeansincognito He feeds them. They have a roof over their heads when they are with him.

He has failed to buy them pillows to sleep on or an extra blanket.

Dd11 sleeps in his bed with his duvet and pillow. Dd 7 sleeps next to him on the floor with a sleeping bag over them and no pillows.

OP posts:
Skingaling · 23/08/2020 20:28

Yes, trapped overnight in a single room with a violent alcoholic who takes no care of them whatsoever.

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 20:29

Are you able to speak to him and say the girls need to bathe etc maybe he just doesn’t think to tell them to do this?
It doesn’t sound a great situation for your girls, but they obviously love him and he loves them.., I would be on edge every time they went though. I take it he’s never violent around them?

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 23/08/2020 20:29

The lack of standards for basic parenting here is staggering.

OP there is NO WAY I would allow my children to stay overnight at their dad's in the circumstances you've described. You have even said he is aggressive and violent.

But most people on this thread seeing a shit dad is more important than leaving them covered in filth and exposing them to his awful behaviour. Bloody hell. YANBU.

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/08/2020 20:30

I would stop the over nights asap; on the floor and in his bed isn’t adequate sleeping Arrangements

Honeybobbin · 23/08/2020 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:31

@Skingaling

The issue I have is that he's not violent/angry with cupboards/walls/cars all the time when he has them , he doesn't binge drink 90% of the time when he has them.

Dd11 has said that he struggles to cope with ASD DD7 and gets angry a lot but has got a bit better recently, because DD11 told him that she felt unsafe with him when he drove aggressively. etc

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 23/08/2020 20:31

YANBU.
I would stop all over night stays until he is in a proper flat. A bedsit is not appropriate for a child to stay in over night. Especially the 11yr old daughter.
But, I would allow day time visits and have the children come home in the evening.

Minimumstandard · 23/08/2020 20:32

YANBU. It doesn't sound like being given too much cake and ice cream at granny's house and then staying up past their bedtime to watch movies snuggled on the sofa Hmm. It sounds grim!

Have you asked your eldest if she enjoys staying there or whether she'd rather just see dad for the day?

Noneformethanks · 23/08/2020 20:32

Tried in Very similar cIRC’s and the courts weren’t interested. My kids were 8 and 11 at the time. Total lack of basic care and aggressive driving and he left them alone.

I was made to send them.

Bourbonbiccy · 23/08/2020 20:32

Does he still do the punching walls and violence since splitting up with you, as i wouldn't have my children in that situation.

I had an acquaintance who kept sending her 2 kids to their alcoholic father, he loved them sure, but they saw things they shouldn't and had a lot of mental baggage they shouldn't have to carry around. She left it to the kids decide if they went or not, the daughter was younger and stopped going after about a year or so, she was about 14, the boy wanted to save him, so kept going longer but eventually stopped after about 3 years. It was heartbreaking

The maintenance is a separate issue, if your kids are safe I would send them absolutely, I hate parents using kids as pawns, but even the chance they aren't and I would stop until they were.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:32

@Suzi888 I have tried talking to him, it's hit and miss. Sometimes he is amenable and sometimes will just swear at me and get very defensive. He often blocks me.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 23/08/2020 20:34

@Minimumstandard yes DD11 loves staying there because it's takeaways and late night, laughing at YouTube with Daddy.

OP posts:
Rabblemum · 23/08/2020 20:35

Simple, stop overnight stays. I was ready to call you a clean freak but matted hair in 24 hours, just how?