To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

The comment re disabilities refers to Downs not autism. The risk of downs after the age of 35 increases massively, and with that other chromosomal abnormalities.

As for the poster saying she will regret not having another baby for the rest of her life, I actually think that is an incredibly unhealthy way to live. Given children don’t stay babies, there are really no guarantees how life will turn out for any of them, but the truth is that at some point we all have to move past the stage where they are children and see them into the stage of their lives where they are the independent ones.

For every one of us there comes a point where there will be no more babies. That is life.

I'm 30 with two kids and my husband just had a vasectomy. In a way I feel like it's taken away that constant wonder of "should we have a third one day or not?" because a concrete decision has been made.

I'm 42, last year we had a 'scare' (wrong word, but it'll do for now), and I found that it brought all the idle imagining to a head.

I have clung onto my career through 2 kids, DP has excelled in his (I've taken the hit, by going freelance, but do well enough for myself). I was like 'sod it. If there's a third, I'm not working any more' - because I just can't do more. I'm already stretched too thin, and if there's going to be another baby, I wasn't going to split my time with the kids and baby and working.

In the end it didn't stick, and DP had a bit of a hard time with that, he'd got quite excited at the thought of a new baby, and losing it left him much more affected than I realised he would be - confronted by getting older, that we were complete family-wise etc. Whereas I just felt relief.

Yes and no. I had 2 successful pregnancies in my 30s. Then tried for a third, resulting in chemical pregnancy, then tfmr at 17w, then chemical pregnancy, then mmc with massive bleed/emergency surgery at 12w.

I regret trying, I guess. I don't think I would have regretted succeeding. But we exposed ourselves to a whole load of pain with no happy ending.

Very lucky to have 2 amazing girls, and certainly treasure them all the more.

Had a last chance baby at 36. Older DC were 13 and 14. It was the best decision I ever made, and none of us can imagine life without him. I love being a mum, love all the stages, dont even mind the sleepless nights and never ending laundry.

We went on to have another last chance baby 2 years later

I had my baby at 37. I'm knackered and he's relatively easy. I had a traumatic birth and have some mh issues. We get no help. I would honestly love another but I just don't see how it's possible. We would be snowed under.

I am so happy to have had my 3rd with a 7 and 8 year age gap, don't regret it and it's completed my family! My other two adore the baby and it's made us all very happy.

I regret not having a last chance baby. I do not regret no having a last chance toddler! I love tiny babies, and although I do love toddlers, I don’t really want another one permanently in my house, with the mess and mental effort of “Oh what have they done now?”!!!

Autism does not have one single cause, it is much more complicated than that. One study has concluded that women younger than 20 are also at a higher risk when it comes to having a baby with autism. The age gap between mom and dad also seems to make a difference, as does being a firstborn, certainly hereditary and environmental factors, taking certain meds in pregnancy, having a traumatic birth, being a boy, having parents with a history of psychiatric illness and even being a child of scientists/engineers.

I think that scaring pregnant women (including myself) on here with having an autistic baby is a pretty rotten thing to do. I am certain that people of all ages and situations end up having children with autism and other disorders. If it was older parents only, this would become more clear by now. The truth is, having a baby is a gamble at any age.

NHS comments related to 1994 study linking paternal age to the risk of autism:
“The study’s limitations mean that a definitive conclusion cannot be drawn about the contribution of parental age to overall risk for ASD. Its cause is still largely unknown, and it is unlikely that one factor alone will be responsible. The researchers themselves say that large long-term studies of well-characterised birth cohorts are needed to confirm these findings.”

Also NHS Nobody knows what causes autism, or if it has a cause.

Maybe those on here scaring pregnant women should go enlighten
NHS with your anecdotal evidence.

Perfect post @Emmmie I think you’ve nailed it there. A lot of anecdote and misinformation being presented as fact by other posters.

@greytminds you do realise it's also anecdotal to say "I had a baby at 43, so did my friends, and our kids are fine"

Greyminds of course it is. As is saying:” My friends had a baby in their 20s and the kids are fine”.

@notheragain4 yes I do. In my first post I asked for studies and other evidence around increased risk so that I could appraise the information myself.

I know all about anecdote. I suffered from years of infertility, to which the the standard response was always an anecdote about someone else’s miracle baby or a suggestion to adopt.

greytminds I am sorry. I have been there too and it hurts. Wishing you all the best🌻

@greytminds with all due respect this is mumsnet, not a research gathering. You'd have to be a moron to not know that risks increase with age, it is a fact, I don't know the details of the fact as I do not plan to take the risk, but if I did I would be doing thorough research and speaking to my GP, not seeking answers on mumsnet. Increased risk doesn't mean inevitability, of course there are lots of healthy older Mums with babies (thankfully!) but it doesnt change the fact the later you have a child the more risks there are. It's about knowing the risks, mitigating them and accepting them. Not pretending they aren't there.

greyminds I seemed to have tagged you in a wrong post and I’m sorry. I meant to tag someone else.

Also, people are always so blase about prenatal testing. The risk of downs at 40 is exorbitantly higher than at 30 (easy to google) yes you can get tested for that, but it seems to dismiss the horrendous decision and process you would need to go through as a family in order to action your choice.

Just because prenatal testing is there and gives you choices, doesn't mean it's a choice I would ever want to face.

Of course if you've started your family later the benefits usually outweigh the risks, but the context of this thread is last minute babies, so I'm speaking from the context of someone who had babies younger and still facing fertility and decisions later in my maternal years.

nothereagain4 No one is pretending the risks aren’t there. For example, it is well established that there is a risk between advanced maternal age and Down Syndrome. This is why we may choose to have screenings, NIPTs, extra monitoring, etc.

NHS treats pregnant women over 35 accordingly to help address any potential complications for both mom and the baby. I appreciate that prenatal screening does not identify all the possible conditions a baby may have, but there are no guarantees of a healthy child at any maternal/paternal age.

Fortunately for everyone, a vast majority of babies are born healthy.

nothereagain4 I completely agree with you. I have been through the Down Syndrome risk screening only weeks ago. Waiting for the results was hellish, as was thinking about the decision in case of a high risk result.

However, even if I was 25 years old and my risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1:1200 instead of 1:101, my baby could have easily been that “1”. I would be equally stressed waiting for the screening results. It is all a gamble.

@Emmmie of course. But as a woman with 2 children already, as I edge further into my 30s the risks are increasing and impacts my decision. Deciding to have a baby in your late 30s/early 40s is a very different one than in your 20s (of course in your 20s you may be weighing up the financial risks which can be higher the younger you are)

As I have 2 other children to think about, I won't take the risk, because it doesn't just affect me and I don't need to have more children- the health risks to me are frightening and NHS mitigations wouldn't resolve that for me. If I had 0 or only 1 it would be different situation.

@Emmmie

However, even if I was 25 years old and my risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is 1:1200 instead of 1:101, my baby could have easily been that “1”. I would be equally stressed waiting for the screening results. It is all a gamble.

But statistically, it is much less likely that you would have been higher risk at 25, the risk is always there, pregnancy is always a risk, but in the context of downs the older you are the increased risk you face. It's more of a gamble at 40 than at 25.

I get asked this all the time as I am young have a 9 year old and a 2 year old at 27. So people just assume I will have another. And I definitely don't want another . I would of been quite happy with just one.

I hope as I get older I don't get broody as . I can't wait to have some freedom by the time I'm in my late 30s.

A family member is nearly 50 and had her last chance baby at 40 her oldest is mid 20s and it has caused such stress in their life. They are still married but you can feel the tension between them as the husband just wants to go on holidays and golf etc .

I wouldn't want to be in that position.

Hmm. I have an almost 11 yr old who was an only because I separated from her father and stayed single for a long time. I wouldn't then necc call 20 month DS a last chance baby, but he was born when I was 41 and recently married. DS2 is 3 weeks old and wasn't exactly planned, I turn 43 in a few weeks.

I don't regret either! The big gap is fine, DD is amazing with the boys and is loving being big sister. The small gap is a shock, and it's early days, but so far so good. I feel an enormous relief that she has siblings at last, and as DH is younger than me by a fair whack, I'm not suddenly worried she's going to be left with elderly parents AND young siblings to look after.

Caveat tho: DH is extremely hands on and works from home more often than not, and I gave up work when my mat leave ran out. We are financially secure, have space, supportive family on both sides and I do love babies. It might be different without those circumstances.

[quote bornninthe80s]@Sayitagainwhydontyou

It's a hard truth, but it is a distinct possibility. My aunt, at 42, wanted to give her DD a sibling. DD ended up with profoundly disabled twin brothers, divorced parents and severe mental health issues that lead her to attempt suicide for the first time aged 10.

Did they not pick up on this prenatally? What is the disability if I may ask? Sorry for this tragic story. [/quote]
Due to her age there were complications during labour that led to both babies being oxygen deprived and severely brain damaged.

I had my 2 at 30 & 34 with ex-H, who ended our marriage when dc2 was 2.

I got together with my 2nd DH a couple of years later, and I would have liked another child.
I was late 30s but he was early 50s and if it was going to happen it had to be sooner rather than later.
I didn't want to be mid-50s with a teen, never mind DH's age.
We didn't try but didn't really try to avoid either. It didn't happen.
He was diagnosed with cancer when I was nearly 44 and died when I was nearly 45.
I'm now 48 with 14yo and nearly 18yo, and I'm glad I haven't got a small child as well - although of course if I'd had one I imagine I'd be equally glad they were part of my life.