To ask if you regret (not) having a 'last chance' baby?

[Firefliesautumn]

I've often read on Mumsnet that many women get a strong urge to have a (usually 3rd) baby when it's their 'last chance' to do so, eg in late thirties/early forties.

For those who held off, as well as those who went for it, how do you feel now?

I'm trying to balance the last desperate shouts of my ovaries with more practical considerations...

Had my first 4 between ages of 25 and 30 and then spent the next 3 years trying to convince DH for another. Then accepted we were done and moved on - then number 5 arrived at 42. No regrets at all - the older ones grew so quickly and are teens now so I know how quickly the baby years go and am relishing every minute. My older children all adore her and it's so so lovely having a baby in the house again. At 43 now I would consider another - DH not so keen but not as resolute as he was in his 30s . I do kinda think this baby is my last chance baby though. I did have issues in the pg but same as I did in my 20s but with way more monitoring. I felt very well cared for. We did have all the tests because of our age but every pg is taking a chance and the odds are in your favour even as older parents.

There's some very sad stories on here - but I don't think they are really representative of last chance babies and really quite doom mongering. There are many equally sad stories about firstborn babies to young mums 'ruining their lives'.

@BrightYellowDaffodil

I’m in my early 40s and have absolutely no regrets that I didn’t have children, either when I had the option in my early 30s or now she. I know that there’s almost no chance now. It wasn’t for me.

I gave up on IVF at 39 after being told I had premature ovarian failure. At 59 I'm actually relieved that the much vaunted on here late-natural- pregnancy-after-giving-up-hope didn't happen for me. Life is really good now.

My hubby wouldn’t let me have a last baby.
I massively regret allowing him to ‘win’ and I will do so until I die

Having a baby isn't a game, you can't force or manipulate someone to have a baby. You could regret not leaving him then to have another elsewhere, but you can't honestly think you regret not pushing a baby on someone who didn't want one?

@notheragain4

*My hubby wouldn’t let me have a last baby. I massively regret allowing him to ‘win’ and I will do so until I die*

Having a baby isn't a game, you can't force or manipulate someone to have a baby. You could regret not leaving him then to have another elsewhere, but you can't honestly think you regret not pushing a baby on someone who didn't want one?

I can feel however I want to. And he forced me into not having one. I didn’t force him into having one.

Every pregnancy is a throw of a dice and I realise that the older I get, the more children you have the more selfish that throw gets, whatever your age, but we can't ignore the impact age has, the mumsnet inconvenient truth.

Ignore the trolls, do what is good for you.

Trolls? Or people with a different opinion?
Also, having a baby majorly effects every member of the family so their needs and wants should be taken into consideration. It’s not something to be selfish about....

@FippertyGibbett no, you could have left and had a baby elsewhere, you were the one with the choice. That's a really unhealthy mindset, everyone knows, when only one in the couple wants a baby, you don't have a baby. You're setting your marriage up for misery if you genuinely believe you had are reasonable to resent someone for not giving you a baby but choosing to stay with them anyway.

[quote notheragain4]@FippertyGibbett no, you could have left and had a baby elsewhere, you were the one with the choice. That's a really unhealthy mindset, everyone knows, when only one in the couple wants a baby, you don't have a baby. You're setting your marriage up for misery if you genuinely believe you had are reasonable to resent someone for not giving you a baby but choosing to stay with them anyway.[/quote]
That’s your opinion and I’m not interested in it.

No regrets and now massively grateful it didn't happen despite trying.

I don't know how I would have coped. Faced massive stressful time at work (and would have had to continue working ft), eat menopause that resulted in dreadful anxiety, chronic insomnia despite doing everything told to do, and oh the cost of childcare!

I'm so relieved that instead, I can contemplate early retirement when I'll be able to dedicate time for grandchildren if any are born, and for myself for the first time in my life.

To get over the broodiness, I challenged myself to sporting events. Its left me much healthier now than if I'd gone through pregnancy and raising a young child.

I would have loved a third baby and actively tried when I was 42/43 but sadly had to have a TFMR. Nowadays I really feel quite happy it didn’t happen. The world feels like a very different place in light of Covid and climate change. I don’t want to be too depressing but the outlook isn’t great abs I already concern myself about the lives my kids will have when I’m gone.

Definitely have never regretted it.

I love having more time to myself, more money and more choice about my circumstances.

I had my children quite young so I had 10-12 years to get over any residual broodiness before I’ve ever got to the stage (now) of last-chance territory, so maybe that is part of it for me - I’ve had years of knowing how lovely it is to not have young children, I’m at a totally different phase in my life and the idea of going back to the baby days doesn’t appeal at all!

I also was very grateful, as my girls went through the mid-teen to young adulthood phase, that I wasn’t spread too thin and I had the physical, financial and emotional resources to guide them through that time as best I could.

We sort of went for it. Tho It wasn’t last chance exactly as I was 35 but older 2 were 4 and 7 at the time.
She brings a lot of joy but I had moments of wistfulness thinking what life would have been like if we hadn’t, in terms of moving into an easier/different/less intense phase of having older children sooner.
With 2 I felt I still had ‘spare’ to give. With 3 now I have nothing. No reserves left.

@FippertyGibbett, I hope you're not letting your regrets affect your happiness. Its one thing to live with regrets, who doesn't, it is an issue of it affects you enjoyment of life and impact on your relationship and kids.

We had baby number 3 when we were 33 and 34...i think

We had always planned 4 children but infertility and a miscarriage made the gap between child 1 and 3 4.5 years and us a smidge older then we had planned

We worked out that there would be About 8 years between 1 and 4 and that gap felt a little bIg

I would still have had baby 4 but dh was not keen (although he wouldn’t have said no if we had gone ahead

About 7 years ago out of the blue dh said that he was sorry we hadn’t gone ahead with baby 4 and that he regretted it...much too late! 😀

They are all leaving

Ds1 left for uni 3 years ago, found a boyfriend and got all loved up and didn’t come home

Dd is off to do a foundation course in September

Ds2 will go to uni next September

Dh said ‘ thats why we had them...so they would leave and have their own lives’

That is NOT why i had them 🤔

God no, I thank the baby Jesus that we did not go ahead with a third baby. Since our decision I had to have two major surgeries both took six months and to recover and I was unable to look after dc in that time, dh was made redundant but found a new job, it took ages. Another baby in the mix would have broken us. Finished us in every way.

You can not know what is waiting for you further down the line. More children mean more responsibility, stress and pressure for years and years - decades.

Also as little children become older, they become more complex, demanding and need much more help and support than I envisaged. Teen years are very demanding. The baby stuff is easy but consider how things will look in 15 years time...

Don't listen to your hormones, listen to common sense and go and enjoy some freedom and comfort instead.

Wise words! I love our time as a unit of 4 two easy kids similar age we have done so much together as a family - travel activities etc. Would not have been possible with a third. I didn’t get broody though couldnt face more drudge! No thanks!

Also, having a baby majorly effects every member of the family so their needs and wants should be taken into consideration. It’s not something to be selfish about....

Not having a baby also affects every member of the family. The older I get, the more I regret that I have no siblings.

DH and I are in our early 40s. We would like a third in theory and feel broody, but we've decided no. We have two demanding children and little to no support, introducing another child into the mix would divert our attention from them and frankly we already struggle to meet their needs and our own, both practically, emotionally and financially. One of them is emphatic they don't want another sibling too.

I do feel sad that they'll both be in school soon and will not see them as much, but I can't imagine I'll regret our decision because it's the right one for our family.

@toconclude what an awful thing to say.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

It's a hard truth, but it is a distinct possibility. My aunt, at 42, wanted to give her DD a sibling. DD ended up with profoundly disabled twin brothers, divorced parents and severe mental health issues that lead her to attempt suicide for the first time aged 10.

Did they not pick up on this prenatally? What is the disability if I may ask? Sorry for this tragic story.

[quote bornninthe80s]@Sayitagainwhydontyou

It's a hard truth, but it is a distinct possibility. My aunt, at 42, wanted to give her DD a sibling. DD ended up with profoundly disabled twin brothers, divorced parents and severe mental health issues that lead her to attempt suicide for the first time aged 10.

Did they not pick up on this prenatally? What is the disability if I may ask? Sorry for this tragic story. [/quote]
There are quite a few conditions that cannot be picked up prenatally, autism being probably the best known. Premature birth and/or birth injury/oxygen deprivation during childbirth can also be a cause. Pretty blase to assume if nothing's picked up by prenatal tests it's all hunky dory.

My last chance third baby arrived as a result of one drunken night (with DH) when we agreed to throw caution to the wind... We couldn't make the decision about a third when we were sober 😆. We had a 5 year old and a 3 year old when DD was born, I was 37. I don't regret DD for a second, she is wonderful and a little sunshine girl. I do, however, occasionally ponder on how much easier/cheaper life would have been if we'd stuck with two. I wouldn't trade though.

I am very aware that we got lucky by the way. It's a roll of the die.

This is a really interesting thread, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences . And those of you that have children that require extra support - that really must be so challenging , in normal circumstances not to mention during a pandemic. I hope you find some way of getting time out. Honestly my heart really goes out to you all.
I have a 1.5 year old and 4 years old- both healthy. I’m 37 and have to admit that I find motherhood very hard. I physically had a hard time with carrying and birthing children and live with some long term health Issues on the back of that which I’ll need surgery for. I’m finally starting to feel a bit more like myself and now this little niggle of “maybe one more” has started to creep in. Most of the time I feel that two is perfect, but then I see them together and feel like one more would be lovely (I’m one of three and my sisters are my best friends) but that’s not a good enough reason to have another . I just don’t think mentally I could cope...I had a real urge to have my second child but I don’t feel it this time. My husband always said he wanted three but since number 2 is still a terrible sleeper he has done a u turn and has decided that two is plenty.
This thread has really helped, thanks very much to everyone for sharing.