Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

😂 Wonder which site the klaxon has gone off on 😎

Well op, the men haters may have come out in force to give you abuse, but while their vitriol has been disgusting, they are not the majority.
77% of us (the more reasonable ones) think that you have been fair. Perhaps that’s because we look at individual circumstances and are capable of making judgements, based on the facts, not whether you have a dick or not.

[quote LivingDeadGirlUK]@AmICrazyorWhat2 that's not how 30 free hours works though, even if nursery is only used over term time there is a charge for lunch hour etc. It's going to be cheaper than needing nursery all year round but there is still a cost.[/quote]
Don’t know which nursery you use, but actually that is pretty much how my nursery works, once the child receives the 30 hours free.

They give pre-schoolers 2 full days from 8am - 6pm, plus 1 half day (can pay extra for it to be a full day) at nursery every week. This is based on 48 weeks of nursery, both over school term and summer holidays. Only 4 weeks (2 over Christmas holidays an 2 over Easter holidays) not covered in this.

This is far more parent friendly (for those who work) than local school nursery, which gives 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, term time only, with nothing during summer holidays, which is pretty useless for majority of working parents!

I always feel ‘man haters’ being thrown around shows such a lack of thinking ability. Surely you must hate men yourself, or at least have such a low opinion of them generally, that you can’t spot a useless one when he’s painting a picture of himself? Would you say the bar is particularly low for dads and generally men in your life @Cuteypye ?

I always feel that 'man haters' is used to silence women who dare to call out shit men on their behaviour.

He is showing an alternative view. His ex changing the locks doesnt mean an objective person in possession of all the facts would agree that she has made a sensible and rational decision.

The Freedom Programme is great as a beginning step, however I would suggest looking more into Pat Craven. It came out of 2yrs research conducted in 1999 and states that denial of abuse makes a man 'fit' a profile. He could be denying it because he is perhaps innocent?

She has massively over simplified psychology which has advanced significantly since her research was conducted. It doesnt mean it is wrong, but it falls into the same standard as saying 'land is green' where the answer is 'not always it isnt'

But even leaving aside the locks - we know he’s still massively bitter about the divorce settlement he agreed to. We know he grudges paying CM because he doesn’t feel his ex spends it properly. We know he’d rather pay for an au pair than give the money to his ex. We know he’s struggling to move on (snide about ex’s new partner, doesn’t consider himself a single parent). We know he doesn’t want 50/50 access.

He feels aggrieved as he has felt like he has done the right thing and been very generous (which he has) and she isnt playing fair. He isnt necessarily wrong, but at the same time as PP have said - is she being unfair?

He is her co-parent, so whether his ex likes it or not, she has to listen and negotiate or it will build into resentment. Its called human communication.

What they have is the early stages of a dispute, and he has a legitimate reason, however the reaction of his ex will dictate the outcome. The Courts are very clear that you have to be flexible. I think he is naive on the structure as his DC does need set routine, and he clearly needs to do some form of therapy to get over the relationship - but that doesnt make him a terrible man.

I would contest his ex doesnt sound horrific either. They are just 2 parents who have veered a little off the road and need to correct before they become resentful.

He is her co-parent, so whether his ex likes it or not, she has to listen and negotiate or it will build into resentment. Its called human communication.

But so does he - he says himself, she hasn’t asked outright for him to change his job or his hours, she just said it would be better to have a more consistent schedule. That was enough for him to write this thread about how generous he is and what a good dad he is, without any recognition of what she does having his son 60% of the time.

Therein lies the conflict.
He thinks it is consistent already. The logical outcome is to structure the childs schedule jointly so the DC schedule IS consistent in the way his ex means (day by day) for things like school.

His schedule then overlaps so he may pick up DC on a Wednesday 1 week, then a Friday etc. But if DC has activities, then those dont change. They need to communicate better and he raises that as an issue.

They are both as much to blame, as 1 is becoming resentful, the other is being obstructive. They need to go to Relate and get separation counselling to work on communication as they are misunderstanding each other.

But actually none of this is about the child. When it should be.

Mother wants a schedule that is compatible with her work. And dad wants one compatible with his.

Mum has 'conventional hours' Dad works shifts.

As I understand it so far - child is not inconvenienced by the existing schedule. That's all that matters.

If he does feel upset by it then it needs to change. Maybe that WILL happen as he gets older - but with parents only 20 minutes apart , I think it's unlikely.

I am erring on the side of the father. Because any change is purely for the convenience of the mother. Not the child.

They are both as much to blame, as 1 is becoming resentful, the other is being obstructive. They need to go to Relate and get separation counselling to work on communication as they are misunderstanding each other.

Ah, except we only have one side of this story - and this side says his ex changed the locks. Wouldn’t you love to hear her side?

No, because her side is irrelevant as he is clearly not dangerous to DC or his ex.

@heartache590

No, because her side is irrelevant as he is clearly not dangerous to DC or his ex.

How could you possibly know that?

@FatCatThinCat

I always feel that 'man haters' is used to silence women who dare to call out shit men on their behaviour.

Personally, in my case I use it to call out people, who hate men so much that they are unable to distinguish when a man is actually displaying fair behaviour!

Plus, I really feel sorry for these people that they can no longer recognise decent behaviour, because of the flaw in their character, that doesn’t allow them to distinguish between when a man is fair and when he is not!!

Interesting you didn’t answer my question about the men in your life Cutey

Also interesting that this is your definition of ‘fair’ - a man who refuses to get 50/50 access, is looking for ways to cut CM and who grudges supporting his child.

He has unsupervised access to his children 3 days a week and his ex is communicating with him directly showing she doesnt fear him.

Why do you think he is?
Changing the locks doesnt make him dangerous. If I change my locks because the key broke in it, is my ex suddenly a dangerous lunatic?

@heartache590

He has unsupervised access to his children 3 days a week and his ex is communicating with him directly showing she doesnt fear him.

Why do you think he is?
Changing the locks doesnt make him dangerous. If I change my locks because the key broke in it, is my ex suddenly a dangerous lunatic?

Loads and loads and loads of abusive men get contact with their kids. There’s an active thread running right now about a woman being forced to hand over her kids to an abusive father. You seem very naive.

Changing the locks doesnt make him dangerous. If I change my locks because the key broke in it, is my ex suddenly a dangerous lunatic?

And quick aside, he says himself she changed the locks because she felt harassed by him.

@Pumperthepumper

I always feel ‘man haters’ being thrown around shows such a lack of thinking ability. Surely you must hate men yourself, or at least have such a low opinion of them generally, that you can’t spot a useless one when he’s painting a picture of himself? Would you say the bar is particularly low for dads and generally men in your life *@Cuteypye* ?

I did have a bit of a chuckle over your post. Actually my dh asked me why I was laughing.

I actually think hate is such a negative emotion, which unfortunately some people have, due to a trauma or some other significant happening in their lives. Unfortunately there are some men (also some women), who do stir this type of emotion in the opposite sex.

Unfortunately, in those who have suffered this type of trauma, it often means that they then transfer this emotion to all persons of the opposite sex. This can then leave them with the inability to believe or understand that a person can be good or bad, irrespective of (or should that be despite) their sex, which in turn makes that person unable to differentiate between what is fair and what isn’t!

I can recommend some reading matter if you wish to increase your thinking ability and am genuinely sorry if you have suffer this type of trauma!

Still no answer though?

@Pumperthepumper

Interesting you didn’t answer my question about the men in your life Cutey

Also interesting that this is your definition of ‘fair’ - a man who refuses to get 50/50 access, is looking for ways to cut CM and who grudges supporting his child.

I was getting round to you, but cross posted. I have been happily married to my dh for more than half my life and have Children I adore.

We have no way of knowing the other side of the op’s story, so in fairness it should be taken at face value. Unless you know otherwise??

The op seems to be a very fair person in financial matters. He has given his ex the majority of the equity in their house, plus taken on her debts. He pays more than 50% of nursery fees, despite his dc only attending nursery for the benefit of his ex and not him.

I would think that if his ex had been given the choice of equal equity, no CSA and having to pay her own debts off, against the op having his dc 50:50 she would likely have chosen the former!

I would think that if his ex had been given the choice of equal equity, no CSA and having to pay her own debts off, against the op having his dc 50:50 she would likely have chosen the former!

We have no way of knowing the other side of the OP’s story, unless you know otherwise?

Ever changed the locks on your husband? How much time would your husband want to spend with your children if you split up? How much money do you think he would grudge giving you?

@Pumperthepumper

Still no answer though?

Happy now? Probably not! Should also have added, the op’s ex cannot have it both ways, as she now seems to want!

I’ll wait for you to catch up cutey