Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

Ah, not such a Good Man after all then. What a surprise.

Is the penny finally dropping for a few people?

Ah, he forgot to name change. I thought something didn't add up.

So the OP takes no responsibility for the care of his child when he's working. He expects his ex to bear that responsibility.

Does he reciprocate? Of course not. When she's working it's still her responsibility. So she has responsibility around the clock when she's working, when she's not working, and when he's working. Whereas he only takes responsibility for the care of his child when it's convenient and he doesn't have to put himself out. And he's the one on here moaning about being hard done by?

Good luck finding an au pair for 300 a month.

That's what I mean by 'default' parent and contact parent. The default parent has to organise their whole life around the kids. The contact parent fits the kids into their existing lives (or not) as it suits them, and in my experience, kicks up an unholy fuss when they are asked to do one smidge of a thing extra to what they want to do. The fact that the default parent, who very often did not choose to be, is inconvenienced daily, nightly, permanently, by their joint children, is not the contact parent's problem. Do they step in for emergency childcare? No. But if they are sick, they 'cant' have the kids. It's all one way.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it sounds like your rota is regular enough to plan around, but you also don't appreciate that working shifts is driving her life and costing more in childcare. I think its compleatly reasonable for you to pay half of nursery fees because these still have to be paid even if your son is with you. I hope you can stay amicable for the sake of your child, remember you have seperated yet she is planning her life around your shift pattern and even if thats easy to do with plenty of notice its going to feel shit when you are trying to move on.

I could be barking up the wrong tree but I reckon your ex is concerned because of the kid's age (he's coming up to school age) and your rota pattern (shift work is hard even on kids with happily married parents). You say she isn't a great communicator. I guess it's up to you to be an amazing communicator to bridge the gaps, for the sake of your child.

I'd suggest you reiterate that your rota is available 2 years in advance, that you're happy to be flexible to fit your kid's fixed schedule, and she gets first dibs if you need childcare (so he's with her instead of with your babysitter if he needs to attend something). It's not really a problem while he's still nursery age but when he's school age and has regular homework and extracurricular activities, it may suck if dad is on nights. So, a little reassurance that you'd never stand in the way of Friday night homework or Sunday morning football practice, etc, might be all your ex is really seeking. My parents are happily married but I remember when my dad used to do night shift... we kids never really saw him. Tbh, I don't remember if he did night shift for long but I do remember he's missing from a small chunk of my childhood memories. My mom definitely got us to all our extracurriculars though. x

What happened in the settlement re pensions?

Op, you seem to have a reasonable relationship with your ex so try to have a discussion.

Put all options on the table, including you moving to day shifts and shared childcare. Consider school and impact of holidays. How will you manage 6 weeks in the summer.

Since your son is so young its worth getting a pattern established that you can both live with. Invest in changes now and you will see the benefits.

@AlwaysCheddar

Your kid will be fine with you doing shifts and it won’t affect him. Honestly! Your ex needs to sort herself out and not be so selfish.

You are wrong, my children have suffered though lack of routine and us all working around their dads shift patterns. They want to know when they are going without having to consult a calendar and have stated to request they go less because they dislike the chopping and changing.

I have put a pattern in place. If ex is unable to have them that day then I will have them. But it also means he doesn’t see them as much as he would like.
But that’s his choice, he can change his job but chooses not too.

The problem is that you want to have your cake and eat it. You want to say how well you provide and how much better your ex has come out of this, how she 'only' works 3days pw, and how you want to be very involved with your child. But, you also want to work a shift job that would make childcare tricky, you say it would be easier to have him 50/50 and get an aupair as if who cares for your son and his relationship with his mother is worth nothing (he's a child not a handbag to be shifted around), you want to continue living your routine without worrying about school holidays (because presumably your ex as a teacher has those off in the job you sniff at for being PT). You want to only have your child when its convenient to you and give your ex a month or two notice of when you might help. That's not an equal parent and whilst it's great you've stepped up to more than EOW, it does seem that your ex has heavily facilitated this.

If I were your ex, I would be trying to reduce access to EOW when your son starts reception in order to provide stability for him. Then I would be very open to being flexible about swapping weekends and holiday days to fit with your shifts and providing extra access if convenient but I would want the basic arrangement to be consistent and to allow me to arrange childcare and activities on a weekly basis. For a 50/50 arrangement, you'd actually have to commit predictably to 50% of the time (either week on/week off or set days per week). It sounds like your shift pattern would make that difficult.

You also need great communication with your ex to do shared care with school age children if you don't want your child to be miserable because they're constantly forgetting homework, sports kit and missing activities and parties. Both parents need to be fully involved and on the same page. If you speak to teachers, they're often quite negative about these types of arrangements because they see the children being disadvantaged in many cases by having to move between two homes. Add in the unpredictability of your shift pattern and that's an extra complication to deal with. When you're discussing future arrangements with your ex, please make sure you come up with something that is not going to stress your son out even if it does mean kissing paying max CM to her.

@Freddiefox my DS's dad works shifts and it has been absolutely no issue at all for DS. He doesn't have much concept of time at his age. All kids are different.

@Minimumstandard you'd be trying to reduce it to 2 days in every 14; how is that even fair?
I'd be heartbroken if somebody suggested to me that was all I should see my children.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Freddiefox my DS's dad works shifts and it has been absolutely no issue at all for DS. He doesn't have much concept of time at his age. All kids are different.[/quote]
It was fine but they are older now it’s started to be a problem. They like to know where they are.

@supersonicginandtonic. What other arrangement do you think would be preferable when the child starts school if the OP can't actually commit to any specific days? Like I said, if I were the ex, I'd offer as much extra contact as I could but I'd want a basic arrangement that provided predictability and consistency.

Just come across this post and I think that most of those posting are men haters. The op’s ex wouldn’t have her house (only has because op allowed her majority of the equity) if he didn’t work shifts. She would also have had to take on dual responsibility for the debts they built up, plus if the arrangement was changed to 50:50, she wouldn’t get any CSA and would have to pay 50:50 for nursery fees (plus possibly sharing CA?). Note that nursery time is when ex is working, therefore why should op be currently paying majority of fees, when it isn’t to facilitate him?

Given that ex only works 3 days a week and is already complaining that she can’t manage financially, how do you think she would be able to manage if she had the significantly less money than she is currently getting? Financially everything has been based on the wages op has been earning due to working shifts, therefore ex has to either accept things as they are, or consider increasing hours to make up for future reduction in CSA!

‘Just come across this post ’

Indeed 😁

Hi again op 😂

@Dominicgoings

‘Just come across this post ’

Riiiight

plus if the arrangement was changed to 50:50, she wouldn’t get any CSA and would have to pay 50:50 for nursery fees (plus possibly sharing CA?)

What a brilliant suggestion! Why has nobody else suggested this?! What do you think OP, fancy going for 50/50 access?

Also less money will make it harder for her to change the locks on her house for a second time when the OP harasses her again.

Haven’t read all the latest updates- but I thought the nursery was covered by the 30 free hours? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought the OP said that early on.

Just mentioning as several posters have referenced. nursery fees. I’m assuming that’s why the Mum is working 3 days a week as the 30 free hours would fully cover that. So that’s not an expense that either parent needs to cover.

Give this father a break. I’ve read the whole thread and there are some nasty people about. Just because your ex was /is a waster/lier/etc doesn’t mean every other single parent father is. Bloody hell.

You have a regular planned in advance shift pattern. Just like many people do who work for the police or ambulance, AA, etc etc. Ask you mum to help on the odd night. Otherwise I would be speaking to a solicitor as I’m sure any judge would view you favourably in try to see and support your son.

Otherwise, resign and get a job at Tesco’s. Less money all round but at least you will have regular work. Go for 50:50 with your ex and speak to your neighbours etc and see if there are any 16 year olds that can babysit for you.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 that's not how 30 free hours works though, even if nursery is only used over term time there is a charge for lunch hour etc. It's going to be cheaper than needing nursery all year round but there is still a cost.