Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

@Waxonwaxoff0 well that's good for your son, but for some children that already feel that they have been abandoned by their fathers, the uncertainty (for them) is heartbreaking.
@pj722 well to a child, especially one so young, time is not a concept they can grasp. So although you have a regular shift pattern, to a small child it is random, as it's not the same time each week. Whilst it might be working now, when school starts that can be very difficult for them.
My ex works the same shifts as you, but when it's his weekend, luckily his wife looks after my dd. Fortunately I trust her with my dd (actually more than my ex!), and it has made things a lot easier.

He’s very little. And you don’t know he’s ok about your shifts. You only see how he is with you. With his mum he might be quite anxious, constantly wanting to know if he will see you today and not understanding why he can’t. My husband does shifts and my 3 year old daughter hasn’t got It fixed in her head yet which days he’ll be off work. And she lives with him. That said, I don’t know what the answer is as it is your job and you need to work. So you’re not unreasonable but I don’t think she is either to let you know that the contact is not working for your son at the moment.

I don’t understand the “set schedule” that people are saying your son needs. What do parents that are together do if they work shifts? There’s no “set schedule” then, they just do what they have to between the 2 of them & arranging childcare. Children are extremely resilient & as long as they are happy & looked after, whether they stay with dad Tuesday-Thursday or Thursday-Sunday doesn’t make a difference to them! I come from a split parent household where we stayed with my dad alternative Friday/Saturdays & scattered nights during the week depending on what each parent were working, it certainly didn’t damage me & we were more than happy with the set up

Either that, or once your son is entitled to 30 hours free childcare, then share it! 15 hours each. Then go 50/50. Job done! You're £300 a month better off (offset of course, by small added cost of having your child an extra day or so than usual)

Shes doing the majority of the childcare. Almost 300 pound for an pair youre having a laugh arent you.

clearly mixed feelings on this subject.

But I think my point is being missed. It is not about her arranging her life around me, I just dont see the problem having my son on my days off and in between.

Maybe we should have gone though a solictor and done more of a 60% - 40% split instead of a 90% 0% because its for that reason I work shifts and need to.

i think the person was right, damned if you do an damned if you dont. Its alright that shes away with the boyfriend for the weekend, i get no time at all. if im not at work, I have my son.i just dont see the problem.

Weather he sees me on a monday, a wednsday or a friday he gets my days off with me.Its not difficult. im still very much part of his life, which cannot be said for some

What would you do if your ex started working a job with shifts? What if the roles were reversed and your time with your son was being dictated by having to plan around your ex's shifts? I see where you're coming from and it's great you want to spend time with your son but this isn't your ex's problem to solve. As your son starts school its going to be important to have a routine.

and for those saying "sort child care for when your working" - how does one do that?

get an aupair? How can I get child care when i work nights?

It’s none of your business how many days a week she works 🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless there are reasons that you are not telling us, your current contact pattern is fine. So tell her you’re sticking to it - and offer mediation if it’s a problem.

But please don’t bore on to her about how generous you were. You wouldn’t be able to keep your job if she she weren’t having your child on a non-fixed pattern, and maybe she didn’t have the option of just moving in with her parents.

We didn’t need to know his many bedrooms her house has 🤷🏻‍♀️

Children are not ‘extremely resilient’ any more than adults are. They express things differently.

Why do you need childcare at night if you are at your mum’s?

Agree set days and your son stays with gran if you’re working.

Taking money out of it, although you have been generous. We here don't know why you split up or how well you communicate with each other.

If you are both being adult and putting your child first, yes, it SHOULD work fine as you describe it.

However, if one of you feels say that their life is being controlled by the others demands, this breaks down and it becomes untenable.

Communication would appear to be the problem.

You've clearly already decided that you're not being unreasonable and that you've been extremely generous to your ex and that she is in the wrong, so I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from this thread. Were you just wanting everyone to agree with you about how she is wrong?

And it’s irrelevant what she does in her own time. If you feel you have no personal time then do something about it, either reduce work, get a better paid job or reduce contact with your son. No one ever said it would be easy but these are t her problems to solve

My friend found a childminder that would do overnights - but that was only once a month when she had an on call shift.

This is the point though - you choose a job where you cannot be available to have your son at all times, by using child care. So throwing your weight around about 50/50 and not paying CMS is just childish.

I do appreciate that “choose” is not always a simple thing.

She’s lucky - she has a job that means she only needs daytime childcare. It’s harder for you - but that’s not her fault.

When my daughter was young, I worked away 4 nights per fortnight. So when I was home, I had her all the time. No going out with friends, or dating. On my 4 child-free nights, I was 200 miles from home in another city, in our regional office. So - no friends or dating there. Just how it is. As your child gets older, you get more comfortable with using parents or a babysitter if you want nights out during your contact time.

You need to understand why your ex isn’t happy with contact as it is. But without blathering on about money.

If she just fancies set days cos it’s easier for her - tough.

If your son is struggling - then you do need to find a compromise.

My ex works the same shifts as you, but when it's his weekend, luckily his wife looks after my dd. Fortunately I trust her with my dd (actually more than my ex!), and it has made things a lot easier. except that on here posters would tell you that it’s your sons time with his dad so if his dad isn’t available then he should be staying with you.

I love how in the one breath people tell the OP that he should just change jobs, (yeah, in the middle of the biggest recession in history,) and on the other hand they’re saying that the OP’s ex isn’t obliged to work any more.

OP you’re a man so unfortunately you’re never going to get a fair hearing on here.

You talk about how much money you’ve given your ex and people are picking up on that, yet women often come on here to complain about their ex’s in one way or another and the money he does or doesn’t pay is almost always mentioned.

Fact is, children need to spend time with a parent more than they need to do so on a set schedule. It’s naive to think that the woman should be able to dictate when the child goes to his father’s. What if the OP was the one saying that the child should go to his mum’s on certain days every week, would people be supporting that? No didn’t think so.

OP, I agree that when he starts school things may change, but that doesn’t have to be addressed right now, and it may not even have to be addressed. Children are actually far more resilient than we give them credit for, it’s just that the parents often aren’t and the kids pick up on it.

I would have another discussion with your ex, and if you can’t reach agreement then I would suggest mediation as a starting point.

Oh, and why the OP and his wife split isn’t anyone’s business, and talk of a father abandoning his child is unhelpful when this is a father wanting to be involved and a mother being obstructive.

How many days or weeks in advance do you get your shifts? Is there any pattern to them that you can plot on a calendar? You can download a family app and put them all on that

It’s not unreasonable for her to want to know when you are going to have your child, or discuss whether there is any way it can become more stable. She can’t force you to get another job, I think that perhaps though you can tell her that in the current climate it would be sensible not to change jobs right now but you can talk about it in the future. He’s only 3, so he’s not in school yet.

As for childcare on your days, well yes this would be down to you!

Where you see a lot of dads only seeing their DC at weekends this is because they are needing the mothers to do all the childcare around their work. She got a job that she can cover with childcare. You don’t have that. So either she is doing it for you, or you do it. Neither of you trump each other.

If she got a shift job you would probably be in a difficult situation with trying to match her shifts.

But the point is that, if it changes week in week, then no one knows where they are. She is facilitating your ability to work. Also, you say it’s not that confusing for him but as he gets older and has things like clubs / play dates it does get more complicated. Sorting it out before school starts is sensible .

you ask about night shifts. Well, you do what other parents do. You have family to have your child overnight or you get another job.

There is a calendar in place. It is a month or 2 in advance.
pottering along,you are are very blunt. My mum is 70 year old, shes had me living with me for a year.
"get another job" - You just dont comprehend the situation.

This is a dad here that is trying to create stability. When she works, hes in nursery. i cant put him in nursery at 9pm!

I just dont think im being unreasonable. Im a good day, i provide. and im not bee funny money IS an issue when you have bent over backwards to make sure your ex wife is okay. Why do women assume they are entitled to everything? my god.

@loutypips I wouldn't send my DS to his dad's just to be looked after by his partner while he works. Seems pointless. DS goes to see his dad, not his dad's partner.

Kids don’t care if they see you Tuesday to Friday or every six days, it’s irrelevant to them whether it’s regular every seven days (ie the same every week) or every ten days. I agree once he goes to school it may be trickier but lots of parents work shifts and make it work. It sounds like she wants to make it regular weekly access to make her life easier.

So is an aupair a good idea? noone seems to have commented.

Please stop saying kids are resilient. We tell ourselves that to make us feel better about the fuck ups we make as their parents. All kids and all situations are different so you can't just make a sweeping generalisation one way or the other. OP it sounds like you've been fair and generous possibly but please don't think that because you've done what you SHOULD, when so many don't, that somehow means everything else should fall your way. You don't get a halo for being a decent divorced dad. I think a conversation should be had, if possible. Changing jobs at the moment seems unrealistic, so can you a) speak to your boss about more set patterns or a long term rota so you and your ex can plan well ahead and your son can see on a wall chart when daddy days are? As for the maintenance, please remember cms is a minimum. By all means use the online calculator to check what that is but please don't be that guy who reduces it just because he can.

I don't think YABU for what it's worth OP. I hate this whole rigid inflexibility that some people have. Me and my ex don't work on "this is your set day and no exceptions." I don't see the point in sending DS to his dad's house only for his dad to go off to work and leave DS in childcare. DS may as well just stay with me, which I'm sure he'd prefer! When he goes to his dad's, he wants to spend time with his dad!

You've clearly already decided that you're not being unreasonable and that you've been extremely generous to your ex and that she is in the wrong, so I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from this thread. Were you just wanting everyone to agree with you about how she is wrong? well, according to the stats the majority agree with him, so your point would be....?

No it isn’t entitlement, when you split you become 2 separate people, responsible for the child in the middle. If you can work together that’s great, but each party also has their own life now.

You aren’t responsible for her finances - you chose to do those things, you did not have to do them. It was nice of you to help her, but you were not forced.

You can say no to her if that’s what you want to do. What is she actually going to really do about it?