Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

We quite often mess around with contact days and arrangements due to work commitments, especially in the holidays. It is confusing for them. But it sounds like yours are to a set pattern which your ex can plan around.

@blueorangeredyellow

The simple answer really is you need to arrange to each have 50/50 access.

Both have set days and nights every week that never change.

You can both organise your personal lives in advance.

Your child knows where they will be on which day so as they get older they will appreciate the regularity and routine.

Scrap child maintenance seeing as you will both have the same child related costs and use that money to organise your own childcare for the days you are working when you have your child.

It doesn't need to be complicated and she can't be expected to be your childcare and always be available due to your work commitments.

I would be pretty pissed off to be honest if I had separated from my child's dad and I couldn't arrange to go out with a friend or plan to take my child somewhere in advance because of my exes work schedule and never knowing which days he would be seeing the kids in the future.

Makes no sense! She knows because the rota is in advance and a year in advance it never changes!

And if she has him 5 days in a row she knkw s her csnt plan. Your comment makes no sense!

You are a single dad. You aren't parenting alone but that not what being a single parent means. I am 100% a single mum. My children see their dad often and he is a good, supportive co-parent. But that doesn't change the fact that I am single. And a mum. A single mum.

But she does know, he gets the schedule well in advance?

Only a month or two - and might not be enough notice to plan certain things.

I personally would just want a clear unchanged plan of which days and nights we would both have the kids. I'm wouldn't want to have to wait for my ex to be able to plan anything.

For some people it wouldn't be an issue but for his ex for whatever reason it doesn't work for her so they need to come up with a solution that works for everyone.

If working nights is the sticking point then that's something to discuss with work. A woman would be expected to alter her work in this situation so it shouldn't be any different for a man.

OP
Tell your ex changing your shifts isn't possible. She has enough notice about your shifts to plan her life.

Also stop helping her out so much.

She is a grown woman who should be dealing with her own finances

She knows because the rota is in advance and a year in advance it never changes!

So she and your son (as far as he can understand it) know what the schedule is going to be a year in advance? And your ex can therefore plan around the rota for the whole year, knowing when you’ll be working and with no nasty surprises?

Doesn’t sound too bad in that case, although I do think that you both need a lot more distance between you (mentally speaking) generally.

You still need to have the conversation about it and try to agree something you can both live with though.

Actually if you've made any of the *women are entitled/ bitter" -not to agree with me-- comments it might be why she's distinctly less keen on helping you out with childcare.

You've decided that because you were generous financially she now has to listen to you and not complain or make any changes that don't benefit your situation.

My ex believes he is always right and it's inconceivable that I disagree with him or more accurately disobey him from his point of view and goes ballistic every single time something doesn't go exactly his way.

So now I've learnt that if he makes crappy comments he gets called out (even if DS is there) and I am unwilling to do anything beyond what benefits my kid and he can go hang at this point quite frankly.

My preference would've been a mutually flexible co-parenting plan, but since I'm stuck with someone who expects everything and appreciates nothing, then nothing he'll get 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wake up ladies...

I'm awake??

Is anyone else wondering if the reason the debts were largely in her name was because she was expected to still pay half when she was on maternity? 🤔

It doesn't matter whether she knows the rota ten years in advance if it means that she's paying for nursery and childcare that she ends up not using. That would seriously piss me off - you can't book nursery on a ten day system. You are going to have to find something that works for night time childcare OP. What if she meets someone new, has more children and decides she wants to reduce contact and only do eow and a day in the week some time in the future? It's been known to happen enough times.

Try to sort something out that doesn't need her at all, I'd say.

@oldmumnewmum

Wake up ladies...

Awake and reporting for duty Mam’

My DH works shifts so the days he has DSS are different every week. It's a 3 week rolling shift pattern though, so there is a routine of sorts. Also the odd extra Sunday if he's off work

Knowing a schedule in advance is fine for planning one off things. Not so much for regular activities. When your son starts going to clubs they will be on set days. Or maybe even your ex would like to take up a new hobby or activity on a set day but the current childcare arrangements mean this is impossible.

Like a pp said, this might work ok if you assure her you will take your son to clubs / social engagements etc on the days where you have him. My ex used to refuse to take my son to any clubs on 'his time". My son would miss Taekwondo gradings and I had to change his club to one that didn't do gradings at the weekend. Luckily because we has set days I just worked around them when choosing clubs. Its possible your ex is worried about this sort of thing.

But again....even for her personally to have some sort of routine or activity in her life it is basically impossible without a set weekly schedule.

I do think that is a key point. It's all very well saying the child comes first, and they do, but the ex is allowed a life of her own and as pp have pointed out, life doesn't work on a ten day schedule. Classes are weekly, her booked and paid for nursery days are set weekly. It's perfectly reasonable that as a parent, he might be working during his contact time, just as the ex is.. Its what most working parents do and this is the key difference between the 'default' parent and the 'contact' parent. Contact parent is meant to reserve their time solely for the child but the default parent has to work during their time. 50/50 would solve all these issues. No CMS and each pays for their own childcare as needed. As a working sp, I've had to adjust my working life to the needs of childcare. Why should the op not do the same?

Op flip it round, if she decides to change job and works 6 days (maybe has your child one of those days) and then has him for 3 days out of her 4 days off and just expects you to work around it. So 6/7 days out of 10 you have him regardless of your work schedule. You can't guarantee you'll get quality time with him because of work but she'd have a guarantee of a minimum of 3 days of quality time. You can't book anything or go anywhere regularly because contact is all over the place.
Yes you work shifts and that's your 'choice' (I appreciate changing jobs isn't an option etc) but your choice affects her whole life, her and your son's lives are planned solely around your work, how would you feel if your whole life was planned around someone you're not longer with?
She can't pick up extra hours by doing tutoring as she can't commit to regular day/times because it is dependent on your schedule, she can't make the most of her holiday time because it has to work around you. She can't have a hobby because it all has to work around you.
Yes seeing your son as much as you can is important, but you get to choose when to do that, you're not juggling work and a child, your ex is doing the grunt of childcare drop off pick up working, rushing after work to do tea and bed, it's tiring. When you were together it was ok planning around you as you were a couple and would've seen your son and ex everyday before or after work and your days off were quality time, now she's not ok with her time being dictated by you.
It may be as simple as she's worried about school and clubs routine and a conversation that you're on board and commutes to taking your son to any clubs, play dates etc may be enough to reassure her, or it may be that she's fed up of being control by you.

He does not want to hear this because he doesn’t feel she has a right to do this, because he cannot. So if she wanted to sign up to Tuesday night yoga potentially she couldn’t go every week. He paid her debt, helped her buy a house, he can’t go to yoga every Tuesday either so why should she?

This is what people have an issue with in the post

Also nowhere did he state she was taking any legal or threatening action against him, she wanted to talk about it. He has escalated to talking about taking her to court, cutting off maintenance by going 50/50 etc. The fact she can’t express any concerns or have an opinion on the effects of his shifts on their child is worrying. She might not be correct, but the reaction has been OTT

I agree that his attitude through the thread has not shown him in a good light. The initial settlement may have been generous but its irrelevant to what the current issue is and he clearly thinks he had the right of it. In 13 pages I don't think he's conceded a single point

Op, I work the same shift pattern as you, I was the higher earner in my divorce so I got the debt, the dog and the kids. My ex has our youngest every other weekend for 3 nights as he lives away from us with his partner and works Monday to Friday. I have an aupair. When they are good it's fab when they are bad it's dreadful. It's hard, I don't really sleep between my shifts because my littlest wants me.

Ex still swaps contact around depending on what he needs for work. Which grips my shit but I smile sweetly and say ok.

The point being, you are used to your ex sorting your son for you, take a step back, a deep breath and arrange to talk to her properly about it all

I don't really think either of you are being unreasonable. The shifts you have been working have worked well and they suit you. Just changing jobs isn't feasible, although this isn't actually what she asked of you. She's facilitated your working pattern so far, but now it isn't working for her. You should at least hear her out and see if there is some compromise that can be reached.

Your relationship with your ex wife is so unhealthy. You are not a couple so you don't need to be sorting out her finances or be available to her 24/7.
You need to stop holding the fact you paid off debts and pay more the average child support over her head. You made financial and personal sacrifices for your child, so what? That's what parents are supposed to do.
You seem to be extremely preoccupied with her finances and trying to get one up on her as to who has it hardest. What I've not heard from you is anything about doing what is best for your child. As long as it doesn't negatively effect you or make your ex wife's life any easier, that's all that matters isn't it?

The issue is you’re expecting your ex’s life to revolve around what suits you. None of this is about what works for dc only what works for your. Under your current arrangement, ex could work three days then you have dc three days and she loses quality time with dc that week. Or you have dc on nursery days and still take him to nursery so get time off and she ends up working 3 days and having dc 4 days with no time to go shopping or do housework. The balance isn’t working for her so there needs to be a compromise. What happens if dc wants to go to a club once a week? How can any structure be arranged?

I suggested yesterday and it still stands...

Can either set of grandparents help, or a regular babysitter?

This issue would have still existed and they not split up of the Dad working shifts. I sincerely hope he would enable his DS to, for example, do a club every Saturday.

With the 4 bed house perhaps his ex good have an Au- Pair and the op could pay 50%?

@AGBforever

Is anyone else wondering if the reason the debts were largely in her name was because she was expected to still pay half when she was on maternity? 🤔

According to his previous posts about his wife, they weren't mostly in his name. He stated that he had a credit card with £15k debt, and she had a credit card with £5k debt.

If you look at any of the threads he has posted before they are all about money and the ex wife. All of them state their earnings and debts.

She clearly earned more money before she had a child (or could have) and went part time but now he’s the higher earner

They already had a 4 bedroom house with 1 child when they were married which they had to sell

His debt was £15k and hers £5k

All fair enough but she has already accused him of ‘harassing’ her by constantly talking to her about money so much so she changed the locks and then he posted this about her:

My only issues is that I don’t think she utilises the CSA properly. I am not saying she shouldn’t drink but she seems to spend a lot of money on cigarettes (which she does when she is stressed) and then says she is skint