Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

Fair enough, I’m not familiar with how it works, just thought I saw a reference to “30 free hours” early in the thread and then saw other posters talking about nursery fees. I thought perhaps they assumed the parents had to pay for all those hours. I’m in the US and had to pay everything so it was truly expensive!

Give this father a break. I’ve read the whole thread and there are some nasty people about. Just because your ex was /is a waster/lier/etc doesn’t mean every other single parent father is. Bloody hell.

Did you miss the bit where his ex had to change the locks on her house because he kept harassing her?

She changed the locks because she felt that he was harassing her. Having now read those threads, it does seem to me that some of her behaviour is deliberately difficult. She didn't and doesn't need to live in a 4 bedroom house, which makes her dependent upon the OPs payment. She moved her back in pretty soon after they split and she refused to sign the consent order.

Now I'm not saying OP is a Saint, some of the exasperated women comments also got my back up. But that doesn't mean that he is an abuser and she is a victim. It seems to me that she has got on with her life quite happy with the contact arrangement, until OP started a new relationship. She sounds a bit batty in the nut.

OP i think that i understand more now as to why communication is so bad between you. I honestly think you need to consider getting a court order as many shift workers have mentioned here.

50/50 is rarely in the best interests of the child but yes, i would consider it in your circumstances.

She changed the locks because she felt that he was harassing her. Having now read those threads, it does seem to me that some of her behaviour is deliberately difficult. She didn't and doesn't need to live in a 4 bedroom house, which makes her dependent upon the OPs payment.

Of course, he wrote those threads - if he’s willing to type out that she had to change the locks, what do you think he’s missed out? I can’t decide if you want the emphasis on ‘she feels he was harassing her’ or not, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not victim blaming.

You also can’t possibly know whether she does or doesn’t need a four bed house.

@Pumperthepumper
I have no idea, having read those threads, which is the only information actually available here, whether she or he are the "victim".

Just because I "feel" i need to do something, does not mean that automatically the other person is at fault. He didn't say, as you are implying, "she had to change the locks because I hounded her".

Might seem subtle from your perspective, but having experienced significant DV myself, it is a very important distinction. Because of my history, I am more likely to "feel" the need to do lots of things.

I am unwilling to label OP as an abuser on the available evidence. He may be, she may be, we don't know.

As for 4 bedrooms, she has one child. Accordingly her housing need is for a 2 bed.

Well, I think it’s fairly obvious to anyone who’s read the OP’s threads that in his own words he feels he can control what she does because he pays CM. Any suggestion of reducing that payment by getting 50/50 access is ignored.

Changing the locks is a bold step if you’ve no reason to do it. Why would she? The OP has made it very clear how he feels about his ex, and women in general. Bizarre that you’d try to defend him in that scenario but here we are.

[quote chickenyhead]@Pumperthepumper
I have no idea, having read those threads, which is the only information actually available here, whether she or he are the "victim".

Just because I "feel" i need to do something, does not mean that automatically the other person is at fault. He didn't say, as you are implying, "she had to change the locks because I hounded her".

Might seem subtle from your perspective, but having experienced significant DV myself, it is a very important distinction. Because of my history, I am more likely to "feel" the need to do lots of things.

I am unwilling to label OP as an abuser on the available evidence. He may be, she may be, we don't know.

As for 4 bedrooms, she has one child. Accordingly her housing need is for a 2 bed.[/quote]
Have you completed the Freedom Program?

She sounds like a cheeky bitch. I can completely understand why you've brought up money and that you only work and have your child with no down time. I'm aghast so many have picked it apart and used it against you. You sound like a good dad with your childs best interest at heart.

I'd tell her you're going to court for 50/50 and will be using the money you're paying her towards childcare. Job done.

@Dominicgoings

Yep.

It's too hard to call with one side of the story imho.

I did actually recommend that OP let's a court decide in full possession of the facts.

[quote chickenyhead]@Dominicgoings

Yep.

It's too hard to call with one side of the story imho.

I did actually recommend that OP let's a court decide in full possession of the facts.[/quote]
Really? You completed the Freedom Program? I find that incredibly hard to believe.

@Dominicgoings

I live in South London, I have attended twice.

We don't have her side here. I don't like to assume either is an abuser because it is an over used word, on both sides. Abusers and abusees.

I'm sorry that you are seeing something I can't. But it would all come out at court. Not that their decision would then be great, but the ex could request a formal risk assessment as part of the proceedings.

I'd tell her you're going to court for 50/50 and will be using the money you're paying her towards childcare. Job done.

Loads of people have suggested this, the OP has ignored every single comment. What a Good Dad.

My ex does 2 days 2 nights 4 off. He has the DC on his 4 days off. Its worked well for the last 6 1/2 years.
Children don't need set days they need quality time with their parent.

As you are doing a rolling rota there is no need for her to wait around for you to say when you can see your DC she can plan months in advance.

YANBU

You could always swear a klaxon had gone off somewhere

what does that mean?

I didn’t bring the locks part up to make him sound abusive, but his communication regarding money had clearly caused issues in the past. She may be a massive twat also. From her perspective, she had told him she ‘felt harassed’ which he didn’t agree with, and It just so happens he’s posted here a few times mainly about money relating to his ex. So it’s not the first time he’s heard that perhaps he is annoying about money? A broken record? Pushy? Goes on a lot? Some of us picked it up and he’s confirmed it annoys her too.

They also had the 4 bedroom house when they were married - it’s what they sold. Seems she’s gone and bought a % of a shared ownership house. Seems legit to maybe want to invest in something for the future as she is the RP and he was happy to do this - no one had a gun to his head by the sounds of things, but now he is not so happy as she is bringing up his shift work to discuss and to me, it seems like he came here to vent and it escalated rapidly. Clearly OP is pissed off but I am not convinced it’s entirely ALL about his child contact as much as they are still way too enmeshed in finances and resentment, they can’t even discuss this calmly.

@Menora

Yes I agree. Their are significant barriers to communication and OP is fixated on finances rather than what is actually fait to expect.

But I didn't know whether this was Bourne from frustration, of having repeatedly tried to do what is best, against a string of barriers; ot whether OP was being financially controlling and entitled, seeming to think that the whole world should fit to his schedule (which let's face it, out of the £800, extra he gets, she gets £300, he keeps £500).

I can see what you are saying and to a significant degree OP has not helped himself on this thread. She is a single mum, with residency and she can and will increase her hours as needs be. But also, if I were escaping a financially controlling ex, I can promise you that I would not put myself in a position where I in any way depended upon his contribution.

So yes, OP has not confirmed that he will either go for 50/50, or a court order. Maybe because he cba with the effort, maybe because his behaviour has been questionable, or maybe because he doesn't want to upset the tenuous arrangements already in place and see even less of his son.

Who knows.

You shouldn't be paying maintenance if you have your son more than 2 nights a week.

You shouldn't be paying maintenance if you have your son more than 2 nights a week.

^^
I’m sorry, that’s just nonsense!

that is rubbish

Of course he needs to contribute to anything less than 50/50. What he is doing is equivalent to every weekend.

I think as a dad who actually wants to see his child and provides a reasonable amount of CSA you're a decent man. You're trying to do what's in your child's best interest which is provide whilst also seeing him as much as you can. If he's happy with the routine as such then surely switching it to something new might unsettle him. It'll be different once he starts school but for the time being if it's working for your son, surely that's most important? Was it an amicable break up/separation?

‘Was it an amicable break up/separation?’

Amicable break ups tend not to involve one party having to change their locks.

God there's some right judgemental Judy's on here. Do you not think if he was an abuser or harassing her he would come on this site ask the questions and get flamed.. Give him the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion he's trying. There's plenty of dad's out there who don't want to know their kids, don't bother and have never so much as provided 50p for their upkeep.

@mummyp3e3

God there's some right judgemental Judy's on here. Do you not think if he was an abuser or harassing her he would come on this site ask the questions and get flamed.. Give him the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion he's trying. There's plenty of dad's out there who don't want to know their kids, don't bother and have never so much as provided 50p for their upkeep.

There are loads of abusive men who regularly come on here to justify what they did - I could even tell you their usernames. Remember: we’re going off the OP’s own words, this is the stuff he wants us to know.

And yet again, the OP is considered a Good Dad because the bar for dads is barely off the ground. You’re not automatically a good day because you’re not as shit as some others.

100 percent @pumper and posting on here to justify their actions is exactly what a narcissist would do.