Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

I’ve missed what she’s asking for; I’m not sure what other arrangement you could have.

I think you need to seperate the child from finances for moment. If you are doing 50% childcare then I don,t think you need to pay her. So it sounds like she has come out well from this. What arrqangement does she want? Can you go through something like relate if not courts?

Well she's right. When he starts school then you'll need a more regular pattern of having him.
My ex too worked the same shifts as you and practically it was a nightmare for access.
If you want to continue and take him to school and pick him up on your days off and have him overnight you'll have to live close to the school, so as not to distrupt his routine too much.
At the end of the day, you need to consider what's best for your child. Random days here and there can be upsetting as they don't know if/when they will see you again, whereas regular weekend access gives them certainty.
You can ask your employer for flexibility see this for more info: www.gov.uk/flexible-working

Sorry, i dont know what she wants. I think she wants a "set routine" week on week so she knows that for example, every thursday, or friday, he stays with me. But I dont think he cares, he is just happy to see "daddy" on days off.

The point I have him 3 of my days off and once during my set of shifts. clearly this makes each week different, but again, what can I do?

Im sure there are thousands of separated parents that work shifts. She works 3 days and thats covered by nursery!

I can see both sides but what is important is that he gets to spend quality time with you and her life is not dictated by waiting to hear when you are next off work.

There does need to be a predictable pattern to your access unfortunately, otherwise it becomes the you show rather than your son being the priority.

[quote loutypips]Well she's right. When he starts school then you'll need a more regular pattern of having him.
My ex too worked the same shifts as you and practically it was a nightmare for access.
If you want to continue and take him to school and pick him up on your days off and have him overnight you'll have to live close to the school, so as not to distrupt his routine too much.
At the end of the day, you need to consider what's best for your child. Random days here and there can be upsetting as they don't know if/when they will see you again, whereas regular weekend access gives them certainty.
You can ask your employer for flexibility see this for more info: www.gov.uk/flexible-working[/quote]
i dont see how they are "random" days here and there. I get 4 days off. I can take him to school, i can pick him up. I get long weekends with him. I live 20 minutes away from her, 20 minutes from school. Like the other person said she has come out of this very well, im doing my best to spend quality time with the father of my child.

you will get flamed on here , no dads can ever do enough for their kids according to mums on here , i think you've been more than generous with finances , most mums on here are all out to bankrupt the dads and its all about money for them and not the child's best interests . sounds like your doing your best and shes actually a cheeky fucker !

You do what the other Shift working separated parents do. You set a schedule that works for the child and you arrange childcare for ‘your’ time if you’re working. Much like your ex has arranged childcare for when she’s working

GemmeFatale it,s not easy finding childcare for nights.

YANBU OP

Take the finances out of it, it's irrelevant.

She's right but I understand what you're saying too. You do need a more sustainable schedule for when he's at school.

If the shifts follow a certain pattern, could you make a fortnight or a months worth of rolling arrangements?

@loutypips I disagree completely. My ex works shifts, that's the nature of his job and he has DS whenever he has a day off. DS is school age and it works absolutely fine. It's not upsetting for him at all. Some people do shift work, that's life.

I guess the problem is that your days aren’t regular in the sense of every tues/ sat, so any wrap around arrangements will have to cost more- someone will need to pay for care to cover each eventuality, even though chunks of it won’t be used. If you had a regular pattern, you would reduce amount of child care needed.

YANBU at all OP. As long as you let your ex know in advance what days you're off then there shouldn't be a problem.

And actually in my case I find it handy for school holidays. As my ex often works weekends he has weekdays off so he can do childcare midweek while I'm working and it costs me less in holiday club fees.

@GemmeFatale

You do what the other Shift working separated parents do. You set a schedule that works for the child and you arrange childcare for ‘your’ time if you’re working. Much like your ex has arranged childcare for when she’s working

This seems like it would result in both parents paying additional childcare expenses when it's not necessary. For example, if it's a weekend and OP is on shifts but it's his turn to have their child then he's paying for childcare when there's one parent not at work (assuming his exW works a regular weekday job). Similarly if ex wife has child during the week and OP is off shift, she's paying for childcare when there's a perfectly good parent not working and available to look after their son.

Seems like a waste of money to me; if the split is amicable it would make more sense for them to help each other out. I'd rather save the money to spend on my child. Especially with the price of nurseries nowadays!

What GemmeFatal said above.

Your ex arranges childcare for your son on the days that she works. That is what you need to do too. That is what you would need to do if, heaven forbid, anything were to happen to your son's mother.

She is not your wife anymore and it isn't up to her to facilitate your life, including your job. However little you mean to, you are treating her as the default parent with you only doing or sorting out childcare when it fits in with your other commitments. That's not taking on personal responsibility for a child.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, and hopefully you can amicably come to an arrangement that works for your son (first) and both of you, but you need to start thinking of this more as your problem to solve and not just expecting your ex to fill in the gaps around you.

She has a point - your son needs a set schedule, same days every week. Otherwise he's going to end up confused and stressed about what's going on.

If I were you, I'd set up a 50/50 schedule, and then use the money you were paying for CMS to pay for childcare when your shifts fall on your days.

I can’t help but be when a post is more about money than it is about contact.

In my personal experience, with a child who didn’t give a fig for routine, flexible contact around my shifts (actually me working away many weeks) worked perfectly.

See how I was able to share that information without ever mentioning money?

Talk to your ex about why she wants to change it.
Think about what’s really right for your son.
Go to mediation and court if necessary.

Well, you do what other people do when they’re at work, you arrange childcare.

If you have him 50/50 you will not pay maintainance. You are both responsible for paying for your own childcare.

To me, this is very simple. 6 days on, 4 days off, first 3 days off with my son. Second early, he stays with me into my late shift. It is just planned ahead like that week after week and its never been a problem.

I only have to book a day off and I get 5 days off, which means I get him more.

i think the point im trying to make here is that financially I have come off worse, I have done as much as I can to provide a him for her and my son. And due to that, I have to accept and I want her to accept that I dont have much choice. If I end up having to work days then I wont get as much time with him.

Lets remember that she works 3 days a week. She is not willing to go back to work more, even though she can . When shes working hes at nursery. So she has no child care to arrange at all.

I dont get how he can be conufsed about whats going on, he knows that he sees his dad on his days off and will grow into that? Its not diffuclt

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I've never had a set schedule for when DS goes to my ex's and not once has he been confused or stressed. As long as I know which days in advance so I can say to DS "you're going to dad's on this day" whether it's a Tuesday or a Saturday makes no difference.

My suggestion is for now, until Covid is less prevalent (wishful thinking?!), stay as you are. However have a plan to change jobs to something more child-centred; ie set work days, just as she has to do. Yes she's a teacher so just happens to work weekdays. However, if she wasn't a teacher, she would have to make sure that whatever job she had fits in around her child.
This is exactly what you should be doing! Though I understand at the moment, getting a job with any pre-requisites is going to be pretty difficult.

@pj722 If I end up having to work days then I wont get as much time with him.

There won't be much difference at all once he's in school, remember

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@Sayitagainwhydontyou I've never had a set schedule for when DS goes to my ex's and not once has he been confused or stressed. As long as I know which days in advance so I can say to DS "you're going to dad's on this day" whether it's a Tuesday or a Saturday makes no difference.[/quote]
Agreed. It’s all personality dependent. If I turned up to pick up my young daughter from school when she was expecting dad and I said, “we mixed it up honey - it’s me tonight!” she just say, “K!”

That’s not to say that some kids don’t really need routine - but it’s not a given.