Am I been unreasonable? Child access

[pj722]

So, dad here

I have been separated from my wife for a year and a half. We have a 3 year old. We was together 10 years and married. She is 30 and I am 35.

The marital home is now sold, in the last few months and completed. I am still at my mums pending my new house being ready. My ex has now got a shared ownership 4 bedroom house on the same new estate as we lived on before, and as a father I always wanted her and my son to be sorted first. In order to do this, out about £27,000 equity, I ended up with 4k as we paid her car loan, PERSONAL loan, part of her credit card and enough for her a deposit for a new house. It was more than fair on her behalf and a year later until house was sold ive been with my mum. Not easy. I also took majority of credit card debt.

She works as a teacher, 3 days a week, earns about £1340 a month for that. She gets £300 CSA from me, and £86 child allowance, oh and she got some universal credit on top for nursery, but I still paid more than half of nursery on top of CSA. Thankfully our son is now 3 and from 7th sept he gets 30 hours free.

She regularly complains that she cannot manage financially, reasons such as smoking etc are a factor But anyway, that isn’t the point of this.

I work shifts. 6 days on, 4 day off, this is 2 earlies, 2 lates and 2 nights.

Since we split I have my son on 3 of my days off and sometimes after my second early and into the late shift.
So usually out of 10 days I have him overnight 3- 4, mostly 4. It has always worked well.

All of a sudden she has now decided that me working shifts doesn’t provide stability for our son. It would be nice to have more consistency, however he is a very happy boy and knows he gets 3 good days with his dad on his days off.

She doesn’t seem to accept this all of a sudden but maybe it could be because she has met someone new.
I have done a lot of research and it seems the amount of days that a) don’t see their children, b) see them one every 2 weeks is astounding. And I’m getting it in the neck for having him technically 4 in 10?

I would love to see my son more, however due to giving her most of the money from the divorce and having bigger debts I have no choice to carry on working what I do and what I earn. I also need a house now for me and my son too.

I think the question is, what can I do? I don’t think I’m been unreasonable.

The thing is, if she didn’t get the £300 a month CSA she would struggle, but if it came to the point it was half and half she wouldn’t get any CSA and I wonder if she should even get what she gets if I’m already having him 4 nights in 10.

I know this may sound ridiculous bit if I had to have him more and most of the time, then I would consider an aupair and give them £300 a month!

I have to work and do the job I do. I have no choice in the current climate to take pay cuts, change jobs. I did say to her we both need to be thankful we have jobs, and that I am very much part of my little boys life.

All he cares about is being happy, and he gets 4 days off with me so its great.

I don’t want to go to court, because I have never known people go to court because one parent in other parents opinion doesn’t have their child enough, It’s just ridiculous. Surely a judge would accept I’ve done what I’ve done to make sure she and my son are okay.

She isn’t the best communicator most of the time.

I don’t think he should just say yes and get a new job but I also put this into a calendar and it looks stressful on paper.

There is a lot to consider - as a teacher she can’t take leave during the school term? You will have 25 or more days leave, if you want a weekend off to go away you can have one. If you want a term time break away you can do it.

The way I put it into a calendar based on you starting your 6 day stretch tomorrow, she gets 2 Saturdays and 1 Sunday off for the whole month of September. All of the other days are weekdays

What you need to do is agree on set days and nights that won't change, and you organise childcare if you happen to be working when it's your day/night.

She doesn't have to agree to always be available when you are working. And she should be able to make plans with or without her child in advance.

If I were you I'd try to arrange it so you have 50/50 access then you don't have to pay her any maintenance and can cut finances out of the situation altogether. You will then have equal costs for childcare and everything else child related that costs money.

What’s stopping you trying for 50/50 access and an au pair if you think that’s what’s best for your son?

What do you do OP?

Thanks for those that have helped. 81% of people don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

Another bloody woman who thinks she can dictate what her ex does with his own child.

What you are doing is fine. Your priority is to keep your job and see your son as much as possible.

Don't change your job because of school . That isn't the real world. People need jobs and the world needs people to do shift work.

Another bloody man whining about money yet again instead of getting 50% access.

Honestly I do appreciate all the comments even the ones I don’t agree with. It’s very clear however there is a lot of disgruntled women on here maybe for their own personal reasons. And it takes a lot as a dad to come out on a net mums forum and ask out! But thanks!

I’m not sure if she has seen the news or read any of the recent reports about unemployment in the country?!
There are not a plethora of jobs out there that you can just pick from to suit family life unfortunately. It sounds like you have been very reasonable by putting them first.
Personally I think she should be grateful for that and that you’re trying to make things work as amicably as possible.
In an ideal world I can see why it would be great if you could have set work patterns. She should have raised it better and just said ‘I appreciate all you’re doing but if the opportunity presents itself then ideally a set work pattern would be great for us all..’

My advice is not to bother arguing. It’s not worth it. You won’t make her realise she is being unreasonable. Just say ‘I’ll bear it in my mind and apply to anything that comes up’..

I do the same shift pattern as you OP. Those saying just change your job, it's too disruptive to your child have no idea! Not everyone works traditional office hours, and shift work can often give parents much more time with their kids than a 'normal' job.
Your child knows no different so I don't see what is wrong in continuing with your current arrangement. Why does your ex suddenly think this is no good for your son? You're prepared to spend all your days off with him, that's great.

With regards to childcare it is extremely difficult to get childcare for the hours you do. The only real options if you don't have family help, or an amicable arrangement with your ex, are a nanny (very expensive, stranger in your home, you're their employer, etc) or an au pair (live with you and not a long term solution as they tend to only stay for a set period of time).

My child is happy and used to the hours I work. I am happy because I get a lot of time with him, far more than I would if I did office hours.

My advice would be to discuss with your ex what she wants, what you want, balancing the pros and cons for your child, and see if you can find an arrangement that will work for you all.

@GemmeFatale

You do what the other Shift working separated parents do. You set a schedule that works for the child and you arrange childcare for ‘your’ time if you’re working. Much like your ex has arranged childcare for when she’s working

So on his days, his child has to spend time with someone else? Ridiculous.

Clearly quality time only matters if it's with mum.

Op I don't think you've done anything wrong and I think she's being massively unreasonable and selfish.

Sounds like you have done your very best to be extra fair and she is being difficult with childcare. With a friend with a similar arrangement she doesn't have maintenance since dad has child quite a lot and so she gets a lot of time when just her (as your ex does).

You work shifts - tough that she doesn't like it - it's what you do and many people do to earn extra money.

It's great that your son is happy and best wishes that that continues. Not sure about the au pair but if you have to do more then paying her nothing and paying an au pair makes sense

@pj722

I’m able to try to see both sides of a picture. That’s what you do as a parent. I may not always agree with my children, their teachers, my ex, their friends, my family but being able to see your part in things is really crucial. Part of the issue with your whole post is that you feel very martyred to your situation and hard done by. Ultimately you both sound resentful and unable to empathise with each other. Which will not bode well for parenting a child, and it’s a shame

I’m glad you got your 81% vote. I didn’t vote as I don’t think it’s that black and white

@Pumperthepumper

Another bloody man whining about money yet again instead of getting 50% access.

He's does 4 nights in 10 that's pretty fucking close don't you think? And he's paying well over the odds as well.

@Enoughnowstop

There are a lot of bitter women and bitter men. Ignore them and take advice from the ones that are being practical and reasonable.

I’ve no idea, he won’t say why he hasn’t gone for 50/50 and an au pair, since it what he thinks is best for his son.

I’m not blunt, I’m just not deferential. You may struggle with that, OP.

@SunshineCake. Don't change your job because of school

Well, the reality is that someone needs to pick up the child from school when that starts... And care for them evenings, weekend and overnights. Or arrange childcare. Otherwise both parents are going to be in a spot of bother with social services...

The OP is relying on his ex to do this. But in having a job that fits with school, she will be massively reducing her earning potential. The OP sounds like he's trying his best, but the truth is that it costs a lot to be the "default" parent rather than the one that swans in and out whenever it's convenient for them. And you need one parent to be default when the other is a swan.

@Pumperthepumper

I’ve no idea, he won’t say why he hasn’t gone for 50/50 and an au pair, since it what he thinks is best for his son.

I think it's pretty clear why he hasn't done that. Same reason why most women don't do that but continually whine about childcare too, I imagine.

So on his days, his child has to spend time with someone else? Ridiculous.

On mum's work days, child is at nursery, "spending time with someone else." That's parenting. You work around your child and arrange childcare when you can't be there. What you don't do is expect your work to be uninterrupted by your child's existence, because someone's always facilitated that for you without you realising. Only having your child on the days and times to suit you is called being a Disney dad.

I think it's pretty clear why he hasn't done that. Same reason why most women don't do that but continually whine about childcare too, I imagine.

Why hasn’t he?

This is a weird comment!
'Do you see the problem? She has arranged her life around the fact she has a child. You are not willing to. You want her to arrange her life and your child’s life around yours which changes every two weeks.'

The OP has his child when he is not working so all his free time. He has to work to live. She has set working hours as a teacher and will get free childcare for 30 hours per week soon. OP seems very fair and has his child lots.

@Pumperthepumper

I think it's pretty clear why he hasn't done that. Same reason why most women don't do that but continually whine about childcare too, I imagine.

Why hasn’t he?

Because he actually wants to spend time with his child? Is that not obvious?

Go for 50/50 access. Set days and spend the money on an au pair

@Barbie222

So on his days, his child has to spend time with someone else? Ridiculous.

On mum's work days, child is at nursery, "spending time with someone else." That's parenting. You work around your child and arrange childcare when you can't be there. What you don't do is expect your work to be uninterrupted by your child's existence, because someone's always facilitated that for you without you realising. Only having your child on the days and times to suit you is called being a Disney dad.

Ok suggest some childcare for a night shift then?

Op isn't a Disney dad at all. A Disney dad does eow, pays minimal maintenance and doesn't want more involvement. That is absolutely not what is happening here.