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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

342 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 11:10

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 23/08/2020 11:16

She sounds very childish! A group dynamic is very different from a one to one chat; not better or worse, but different. And there are topics you might discuss with one friend that you wouldn’t in front of another out of sensitivity (eg you might discuss which Michelin starred restaurant to go to for an anniversary meal with a rich, happily married pal....but you wouldn’t do so in front of a friend who was struggling financially and going through a divorce). So she’s being a bit ridiculous to insist that everyone meets up all together all the time. Life - and friendships - just don’t work that way.

Libertylee · 23/08/2020 11:17

I often meet friends one to one to catch up a bit more, not unreasonable at all.

MyLifeIsFictional · 23/08/2020 11:19

I agree. You're all friends, but there's no need for everyone to always do things together. Sometimes its nicer to catch up in pairs, other times it's nice in the group.

StuntPond · 23/08/2020 11:19

Of course it's perfectly all right. She sounds about twelve. If I'm in a group of friends I haven't signed some kind of covenant to say there's a blanket invitation to everything I do to everyone in the group. Imagine trudging grimly around garden centres or department stores en masse, like a chain gang.

ImaWomAnnotaWomEn · 23/08/2020 11:20

Sounds like school. YANBU.

nc600 · 23/08/2020 11:23

Oh dear. Bit embarrassing for her now as she's been called out on her Christmas trip

I wouldn't let it fester though, my group lost a friend this way and it wasn't necessary at all

redcarbluecar · 23/08/2020 11:23

Yes fine to do things separately, but it can cause tension where there’s a closely defined ‘friendship group’. Hopefully she’ll get over it and doesn’t need any more argument/justification from others.
I think there’s a lot to be gained from 1:1 time with someone you normally see in a group.

DotTheCaddy · 23/08/2020 11:24

I'm really close friends with 2 women and if they went for coffee without me after having not seen them for months it would probably make me a bit sad! But you weren't being unreasonable. These are weird times - maybe shes lonely or something

It's easy to put out a message in the group chat saying going for coffee at X place this afternoon if anyone is up for it.

ClementineWoolysocks · 23/08/2020 11:25

I'd be so glad she isn't talking to any of you, make the most of it while you can.

UnaCorda · 23/08/2020 11:28

Is there more background to this? Is she the only single or childless person in the group, for example?

user1494055864 · 23/08/2020 11:29

@DotTheCaddy

It's easy to put out a message in the group chat saying going for coffee at X place this afternoon if anyone is up for it.

But OP didn't want 'anyone who is up for it' she wanted to see just one friend.

Flatpackback · 23/08/2020 11:29

How old? Sounds like she's still a school girl, I'd expect this behaviour in the teenage years but after that it's ridiculous. She's free to call any of you at any time & make her own arrangements, she doesn't need to wait to be asked does she. Don't indulge her behaviour, she needs to grow up.

Brokensunrise · 23/08/2020 11:31

how bloody weird of her. and hypocritical!

TitianaTitsling · 23/08/2020 11:32

Does she herself as the lynchpin or queen bee of the group? Possibly so given the childish dramatics!

WeAllHaveWings · 23/08/2020 11:40

If she is normally ok and a friend, give her a call (or meet up with her), see if she is ok, what prompted the comments, and if she regrets them. Encourage her to apologise to the group rather than disappearing as you all want her in it.

If she stands by her comments tell her your thoughts on how there are inappropriate, rationally, and leave her to deal with the consequences.

DorisDaisyMay · 23/08/2020 11:42

She is one of those..
One rule for her another for others - the difference is when it’s her calling the shots she is in control and curtailing her own insecurities. She probably has a mental rank too of who is more invitable to things.

It’s horrible behaviour from her.

BlogTheBlogger · 23/08/2020 11:49

Ooh she has a bad case of the FOMOs. Hopefully she will realise and cringe soon at her silliness

boysnamehelpplease · 23/08/2020 11:54

Just trying to be generous here... has she possibly struggled with loneliness over lockdown?
Otherwise it seems like very unreasonable behaviour and I'm glad the rest of your group were on the same wavelength.

Original poster

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 11:55

But I have seen her @DotTheCaddy, it's the one I met for coffee that I hadn't seen because she's been shielding. Moody friend has been round for coffee in my garden and to some of the others. I know it's easy to put a message asking if everyone wants to meet up but my other friend invited me and wanted to talk to me about something quite personal. Should you really have to ask everyone every single time?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 11:56

@boysnamehelpplease I don't think so. She's worked throughout and lives with her DH and family.

I feel rubbish about it all this morning because she's upset but I still don't think we've actually done anything wrong.

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/08/2020 12:01

@DotTheCaddy

It's easy to put out a message in the group chat saying going for coffee at X place this afternoon if anyone is up for it.

I think the dynamics are slightly different with a group of 3 tbh.

With 5 it isn't always easy to chat to anyone individually and sometimes a 1:1 might be the best way to speak to someone in particular. There will be be 2 separate convos going a lot of the time, with people dipping in and out, so not necessarily as intimate a chat.

Whereas with 3 you're all talking together, so I think I'd feel like you, one extra wouldn't have made a difference, as its still all 3 of you having the one conversation. I actually find it easier with 3 as I worry that 1:1 I won't have enough interesting things to say! We have a group of 3 that go walking together. When one of them is busy and can't go I have a little panic and have to think of things to talk about before I go

OP it sounds like the 'gotcha' about her holidays has shut her up and hopefully made her realise she's being unreasonable. If you like her maybe reach out and ask her for a coffee next week, just so she knows you're not cross about it. Maybe she was just having a wobbly day and needed a chat and that's why she felt put out. Not worth losing a good friend over it.

HeckyPeck · 23/08/2020 12:12

She’s being VU as she’s arranged things not including the whole group before!

What did she reply to that or did she just ignore it?

Seeline · 23/08/2020 12:19

If 4 of you had met up without her I could understand her being a bit miffed. In the situation you describe she is being very unreasonable - especially given her own holidays etc!

Queenoftheashes · 23/08/2020 12:24

She’s being a controlling weirdo, good for people calling her out on her ridiculousness.

Freddiefox · 23/08/2020 12:25

Of course it fines the problems start when 3/4
make a sub groups or if it’s the same person who is never invited to the one on one things.

I also find it’s often the people who arrange things one on one or exclude other are the first to complain when they are the ones left out.

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