To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

Yadnbu

Especially at the moment where its a bit frowned on for more than 2 households to mix together and what not. That might just be for indoors, find it hard to keep up

Of course it's ok. She's being very childish.

If four of you were meeting up and leaving one out then she'd have every right to be upset but sometimes it's just nice to have a bit of one-on-one time with your friends.

Having said that, not sure how you deal with it without a blow up.

She might be embarassed now she's realised that she does it more than anyone else.

If you want to be nice, don't mention it again and go forward but it's fine to meet up individually. If she says anything about it then it needs pushing back to her with 'we feel this is fine and you do it as well'.

Um I’m not sure 🤔. I’m part of a group of four friends and I found out a while ago that two of them met up and went out. I was actually a bit upset as I was free that day and would have enjoyed the outing.
I still think about it a bit and feel perhaps they don’t like me as much.
Perhaps it’s because I never arrange things with one person but send out a general invite on our WhatsApp group.

YANBU. So basically she’s ok with leaving OTHER people out. It’s just that she shouldn’t be left out of anything. And if everyone doesn’t agree to do what she wants, she gives them the silent treatment. Got it. Sheesh, even when I was twelve I didn’t police my friendships like that. That’s how you lose friends. Doesn’t sound like she values you all very highly; but it does sound like she values herself plenty.

@Fairyliz Perhaps it’s because I never arrange things with one person but send out a general invite on our WhatsApp group.

but that's the point really - we all do and always have done. If I really think about it, she probably instigates more invitations to just one or two of us than any of the rest of us. No one has ever appeared to have an issue with it.

I've also never really thought of it as 'leaving anyone out'. When our friend asked me for a coffee it genuinely didn't think 'oh we better ask the others' and I would really hate that anyone thought that they needed to ask me to every little thing they did.

If four of us had gone out for a meal and not invited her then I would understand her feeling annoyed but it just wasn't like that.

She is being ridiculous. I am in a friend group of 4 and while we would never arrange a dinner or night out and just miss out one of the group, we regularly all meet up with one or two of the others without feeling like we all have to be there every time.

Two of us have kids that get on better than others so meet up individually, 2 have husbands who get on well, 3 have dogs so occasionally go for walks and there are a mix of different sports that we all do with only one other.

Your friend is being a diva.

Classic case of FOMO.

She can do her thing and thats fine but she cannot stomach to idea of someone doing something without her in case she is missing out.

Very pathetic and needy.

Well there's been a slight and rather unwelcome development.

Her husband has messaged our other friend (who asked me for a coffee yesterday) and said that she's very upset at the 'exclusion' and that he hopes she can find a way to fix things. FFS, this is just ridiculous.

Is your friend 12??

Does he think it was everyone apart from her? I am not sure the minority can be accused of "excluding" the majority

It is ridiculous. And, you’re right - if four of you had gone and not thought to ask her, it would have been thoughtless/leaving her out. But a couple of people decide they want to meet up to have a personal conversation? Totally normal....and totally different. And what on earth does it have to do with her DH????

It's time to mention about all the occasions when she has arranged things without inviting others.

Where's her dignity?

He DH is a tosser anyway, none of the rest of us are particularly keen on him as he's always sticking his oar in with unasked for and unwanted 'advice'. Friend I went for coffee with is now massively pissed off at being made to look like she's been deliberately leaving mutual friend out rather than just fancying a coffee with one of the rest of us. However, what infuriated her the most was his #BeKind at the end of his message. 🤣 What a wanker.

Dear twits husband,
#GrowUp
Love the grown ups

I've told her to ignore it completely, it's nothing to do with him.

Your friend should reply - Honestly John? I just had a coffee with Whatamess, I don't see the problem, you need to help me understand what's going on here. Moodie does things without the whole group, which is also absolutely fine, I really don't understand her problem. Is she ok?

She invites individuals on holiday and t9 films, tagging someone else who wasn’t invited saying they’d have enjoyed it? But they weren’t invited?? And now she’s whinging about being excluded? Someone PLEASE message her husband back telling him to fuck off! Or #bekind and tell him she’s invited out individuals and excluded others. Goodness me, she’s such a drama queen and her dh is worse!

Your friend and her husband are being ridiculous BUT do not message, do not call, other than to arrange to meet her face to face and sort it face to face.

You do not owe her an apology but I do think it is worth spending 30 minutes over a coffee to sort it (even though they are bonkers!)

Meet her and wear a bodycam..
Interesting viewing for the next meet up without her...
Sell tickets and make a few quid op!!

She's a self centred Dick, always has to be about her, ignore her 🌺

yes ignore her Dick of a DH too 😂

Id be very inclined to just let them both go.

You say you like her but I cannot see why as she isnt very likeable and neither is dickhead DH.

I note that you've been friends for over a decade, so this isn't a new dynamic, which either means she's been quietly seething all this time, or there's something else going on in her life right now and you've just ended up being the target.

Do you make a habit of meeting up without her? If it's something you all do regularly, maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back. If everyone occasionally meets up in a smaller group, or one-to-one situation without inviting the others, that doesn't change the power dynamic of the group, but if one person is always left out (unless she does the initiating), I can almost see why she's so upset.

How long has she been with her DH? Given he's decided to get involved and piss you all off, I wonder if he's been stirring? Maybe he's played on her insecurities and planted the idea of exclusion in her head?

As you've been friends for a long time, I would try to get one of you to spend some time with her (away from her DH) to gently probe what's going on and to reiterate that you're all concerned because she is very important to all of you. I think it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuaging her fears in case this is her husband expertly manipulating her into alienating her friends, as opposed to her just being weird.

People have suggested cutting ties and I would be tempted as well, but because you don't like her DH, I'd want to make sure she wasn't getting played first.

My shit of an ex managed to stir in a couple of old friendships. One never survived, and it pains me to this day, but the other was fine, because we both realised what he had done. Just... be very sure she's being unreasonable under her own steam, and not being manipulated into acting unreasonably.