To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

You know what’s really annoying? She’ll know that on Sunday she’ll be the subject of conversation .

Oh dear, well I'm sorry, OP, that you've lost someone you thought was a good friend and had to hear a character assassination.

But she's clearly a tit, so it's her loss really.

She sounds insecure, possibly if she's the one who usually does this, she may like being seen as the centre of your group and is now feeling like she isn't, so her nose has been put out of joint.

Well the others and I agreed that one of us would send one final message on the group chat, which we did this morning as none of us were happy with how it was left on Thursday night.

The message basically says (composed by lovely friend who is the one she is probably closest to) what a shame that it's come to this and we have all been through a lot together, which we have - divorces, bereavements, cancer, financial issues etc - and that it would be sad for our friendships to end. It wasn't an apology. It was left that we were meeting at (beer garden now, sod the tea ...) tomorrow and that if she wanted to come, we'd have a drink together.

I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I'm really sorry it came to this but I'm also angry that she feels she is the 'director' of our friendships. I'm ok if she comes (which I don't think she will because of all the things she said) but I'm ok if she doesn't too. The other three women are fabulous people and we'll carry on being good friends without her.

Sounds reasonable OP.

Not everything can be fixed so sometimes you just have to accept the sadness and anger and move on.

My only lingering niggling thought I’d how far her tosser DH might be fuelling this. ‘Oh they don’t care about you, I do, look how I am defending you against them... they don’t hold you in high regard like I do, you don’t need them etc’

How much of the character assassinations could have been things he said?

It is pretty controlling to intervene in her friendships, and controlling men like to separate a woman from her friends.

If it is a possibility that she is being controlled I would send a message saying ‘will miss you, but if you ever find yourself needing me I will be there’.

Honestly, it sounds like you are best off without her in your group. Sad as it is, if she's always had drama queen tendencies then she's not worth the hassle. Probably what she will have expected is a chorus of "please don't leave, it won't be the same without you" etc etc and she will be mighty pissed off like you say at the "oh, ok then" replies! It really is the best way to deal with someone like this.
I had a friend exactly the same. We were all expected to fall in line for what she wanted to do socially and if anyone else dared to organise something she would inevitably not show up.
She's still kind of in the group but none of us entertain her mardy childishness so we don't see much of her.
I'm sorry it's all happened though, enjoy your with your friends.

@DidoAtTheLido she hasn't mentioned her DH at all, I don't actually know if she knows he messaged our other friend. Bizarrely, friend considered the notion that it wasn't actually her DH but that it may have been her sending the message 'from' her DH (she has quite a distinct style of writing things). I don't know about that but nothing would suprise me tbh.

@AreSchoolsBackYet I think that's exactly what she expected to happen and she's angry that it didn't.

Start a new WhatsApp thread without her and move on. She's showed her cards and even if she tries to get back in with you would you forgive her for the horrible things she's said?

I think the final message sounds very dignified, OP, and as it was definitely not an apology, none of you have lost face.

Let her stew on it. Feel the reality of losing the friendship group. To be honest, all this is of her own making...and can you really feel the same about her after she’s personally insulted your character in that way? That’s not just a “you were really late on Friday and it pissed me off” sort of tiff; that’s the sort of thing it’s impossible to forget and probably changes the nature of that friendship forever. Things probably can’t be the same again - and that’s her fault, not yours. You didn’t do anything wrong, or even insensitive: adult relationships aren’t like ones in the primary school playground and there are times when people want to talk one to one. (Arguably, it’s not a proper friendship if it is always a group situation and you never get the chance to do that with someone.). So enjoy your outing on Sunday and try not to let all this cloud the event.

Even if she does come, unless she apologises for the appalling things she said to each of us (I got off lightly tbh) then the dynamic will have shifted massively anyway. It will be different anyway I think.

Her DS messaged DD this morning to say hi and he hope that they're still ok even though the 'batshit oldies' are having issues, so I'm glad that they'll hopefully still keep their friendship.

Her DS messaged DD this morning to say hi and he hope that they're still ok even though the 'batshit oldies' are having issues Love this. He sounds great.

Wonder where her ds gets his manners from? Clearly not either of his dps!!

@Backtoschoolnotsoonenough

Wonder where her ds gets his manners from? Clearly not either of his dps!!

Her DCs are absolutely lovely, I'd be so upset if I didn't see them again.

Did you point out to her all her ‘1:1’ meet ups that she’s had?

I agree with all on here that you've done nothing wrong but there would be a little bit of me wondering if she was actually ok. It sounds like she's struggling mental health wise, and is taking out on you guys. It's so easy to take this kind of behaviour at face value when their might be something going on underneath.

Her DCs are absolutely lovely, I'd be so upset if I didn't see them again.

How old are the kids? Sounds like her DS has his head screwed on the right way! Could your DD respond to his message by asking him to come over/meet up with her at home etc?

So she did her grande finale, but didnt actually LEAVE the chat is that right? Or was the message from nice friend sent to her directly? If she is still on there I would be putting a very banal message on "oh did you hear that schools are ..../ I wonder when blah blah ..." or whatever, just showing you are moving on from it all.

I think you have all handled it well, not giving her silliness oxygen whilst still leaving things open for her

She hasn't left the chat. She's read the message a couple of hours ago but not replied. We've started another WhatsApp chat without her now. I don't think any of us expect her to turn up tomorrow now and I think we're all fine with it.

Sounds like some sort of breakdown tbh very strange behaviour with outcome of losing all your friends!

That's good (I still dont think this is the last you have heard of drama llama though!)

I've a feeling her DH may turn up to berate you all.

@coffeerice I don't think he will, he's terrified of Fiesty Friend. 🤣

What a sad thread... that situation escalated quickly.
She seems very childish...