To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

Ah, missed that. Meet inside next time and you’ve got an easy excuse to just meet two of you together.

Fgs don't pander to her.
She's a hypocrite and it needs pointing out every time she tantrums about not being at the centre of the entire group.

If you creep round her, trying to soothe her ego, you simply send her the message that she is right to be the way she is.

What a weirdo, why does it matter who you go with, low self esteem and a controller, never heard such nonsense, she sounds like a whinging 5 year old

I'm kind of thinking to leave it for a few days and then ring her and see if she fancies a meet up.

Don't. If she is feeling upset, that is entirely down to her to manage her reaction. Because you have done nothing wrong, so don't let her sulk you into believing that you have.

It sounds like others in the group are pissed off with her, and I don't blame any of them. She's being a total hypocrite. Don't try to make her feel better, especially not by doing the one thing she's said you shouldn't do (although she undoubtedly didn't mean it when the other person is her).

I know you've said you really like her, but that doesn't mean giving in to her every time she doesn't get her own way.

She's being really odd.
Personally I'd focus on that if it's a friend you care about. Why is she suddenly over upset about something so normal.
I'd be wondering about menopause and random anger outbursts, or something she's worrying about.
Could you ask?
Friend, I adore you, love spending time with you, the group and 1:1 meet ups. You don't sound yourself. Is it really about the coffee date or is there something else going on you need support with? Here for you.

Don’t pander to her OP. Sounds like a lady who always wants (and gets) her own way - we all know one or a few. She’ll either get over it or she won’t, which is entirely her problem. Perhaps take this opportunity to distance yourself from somebody that obviously doesn’t care much about you.

I think her self esteem hangs on being in the centre, so she has never considered her private meet ups to be an issue, but didn't realise others were doing it too. It's crazy, she will probably realise she is being ridiculous. But it might take some time. You are of the majority view, so try not to gossip about her funny reaction. Just leave it as, 'you said you felt left out, and asked me to change my approach, I see it differently and would like to keep my approach.'

YANBU at all but I can’t help wonder if she ‘saw your car’ maybe she actually saw you with the other friend and it’s ate at her a bit. You did the right thing telling her who you met - it shows it wasn’t secretive and you’re not trying to cover anything up. Her reaction is OTT but maybe there’s something going on in her life and she’d liked to have had an afternoon out. If you value her friendship I’d make contact offline to see how she is, alternatively if you don’t value her friendship then leave it for her to make amends. We all have off days and we can all be unreasonable and moody at times (or is that just me?) and maybe she was feeling low, saw you both together and over reacted - it doesn’t make her ‘weird’

@ptumbi

And quite honestly the idea that it is somehow 'OK' when you are in your 80s is just patronising, ageist and cringy.

We are all just people, and if it is controlling and manipulative in your teens, it is the same in your 50s, 80s, whatever.

I really would not stand it.

You sound like a right laugh!

@Mondaymanic

I also should add.. I have an issue to an extent with it because one of our friends is never the one asked out for coffee etc on her own and I'm sure it hurts her feelings..

Also just wondering if this is out of the ordinary and your friend is being unusually touchy about the situation there could be other things going on? (mental health or having a hard time or something) just a thought xx

Well, why don’t YOU ask her out for a coffee, if you’re that upset for her? You know she feels like the odd one out, but do nothing to help her.

You cant suit everyone. We 5 school mams wont always suit. I walk or have cuppa with 1. Another 2 catch up at boys soccer. Find women get possessive over friends. But nights out would say to the group

@Gurtcha

Don’t pander to her OP. Sounds like a lady who always wants (and gets) her own way - we all know one or a few. She’ll either get over it or she won’t, which is entirely her problem. Perhaps take this opportunity to distance yourself from somebody that obviously doesn’t care much about you.

Agree with this. Don't ring her or pander to her otherwise she will behave even worse in future. Ignore it and continue on with your normal (and completely reasonable) behaviour. She'll either get over it or not. You're worrying about this way too much.

@WhatamessIgotinto Well, no, I really wouldn't, actually, when you put it like that. I guess I am thinking more of Events which a capital E.

Bloody hell. Of course YANBU. She sounds over sensitive.

I could easily have mentioned the time she arranged to go and see a show with two of the others/cinema with one other then tagging one of the others in to say she would have enjoyed the film

With your update she sounds really manipulative! Or at best self centred and lacking in empathy. I wouldn’t reach out to her. Let her hopefully realise how ridiculously hypocritical she’s being.

she sounds insecure and immature! I have a group of anti-natal mum friends and I have to say when I realised years ago people were meeting up independently of our weekly coffee it was a bit of an "oh!" moment. then i had to get over myself and go with the flow. I would put something on the WhatsApp in a few days about "does anyone fancy doing this/coming for a cuppa in my garden/visiting this place or what ever. so you won't be pandering or reaching out or enabling her or whatever but you will still keep the group going, it sounds as if you value it, for the sake of this silliness from her its not worth losing.

One of the others messaged her this morning - a quick 'hi how's it going' message. She said that she's read it and hasn't replied, which is really unusual for her.

Ah well, I think I'll just wait and see how this pans out. 🙄

Am I the only woman in existence to have never had a friendship group???

Always, I haven't, either. I have lots of delightful friends, but no "friendship group" (thank God!)

@Thripp

Always, I haven't, either. I have lots of delightful friends, but no "friendship group" (thank God!)

Lucky you! I have one friend who has a busy life. I speak to her once a week and rarely get to see her. I feel like such a loner! 😟

@Alwaysinpain

Am I the only woman in existence to have never had a friendship group???

Do you have a ‘group of friends who you sometimes see as a group because you all know each other’? Perhaps you all have kids at the same school, or you used to work together, or shared a flat at college; some sort of shared experience that means you all know each other?

I have lots of individual friends (lucky me), but also the group of five women I met when when DD started school and we all had younger kids in prams so got to know each other over endless hours in the playground. Now, we meet for coffee/dinner occasionally, as a group.

OP, it’s perfectly fine and normal to meet just one person. Of course.

But it’s also fine for her to feel left out. No, she shouldn’t be stropping off from the WhatsApp about it, but if she feels left out, she feels left out.

but if she feels left out, she feels left out.

I'm honestly not disputing that - she feels how she feels, I totally understand that. But I just don't know why, if she thinks that how it should be, she is happy to invite people to hers/to see a show/go away for the weekend and leave others out. It doesn't bother any of the rest of us because we all seem to think that's just normal friendships but it feels like she doesn't mind meeting us all individually (at her invitation or otherwise) but doesn't think the rest of us should do the same?

In our group, we have a few who like walking so they do that together. Others have kids in the same sports team so they see each other at matches. They used to all (except me) be involved in Scouts so they all did events together. Two of the womem and their husband's got quite friendly so they did some holidays as a four. Some people work different days so do things on compatible days off. Some people work in the school holidays so can't always meet up then. We try and do 'everyone' events every couple of months, like a meal or a show etc but not everyone can always make everything. I thought that was fairly normal. If it was leaving one person out or always leaving the same person/people out, that's not nice but otherwise its just life.

I think she is a jealous cow who is happy to do things with people she wants to but god forbid if anybody meets up without her. DP has a friend like this.

I would respond with “ so just to clarify none of us are to meet up on a one to one basis and have to invite everyone else? And does that include you who has in the past been more than happy to exclude others and not invite people, just checking for clarity”

But then I have no time for this childish shit.