To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

*ptumbi

And quite honestly the idea that it is somehow 'OK' when you are in your 80s is just patronising, ageist and cringy.

We are all just people, and if it is controlling and manipulative in your teens, it is the same in your 50s, 80s, whatever.

I really would not stand it*

You sound like a right laugh!

Yeah? Because I see controlling behaviour and step back from it? I don't have ,millions of friends, it's true, possibly because I recognise it, and would not be friends with someone who behaved like this - at any age.
It's a shame more people can't recognise it. Most people seem to regard the feelings of others more than themselves, even when they have done nothing wrong. OP and friend have done nothing wrong, and should be stepping RIGHT back from the controlling friend.

OP - I'd ignore the DH totally - or advise your friend to. In fact,so far as to block.

Do you make a habit of meeting up without her? If it's something you all do regularly, maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back. If everyone occasionally meets up in a smaller group, or one-to-one situation without inviting the others, that doesn't change the power dynamic of the group, but if one person is always left out (unless she does the initiating), I can almost see why she's so upset.

If you read my posts @rainkeepsfallingdown you'll see that I've said that we all meet up separately on occasion and that she has instigated many of these meet ups herself. Probably more than any of the rest of us. She is most certainly not always left out.

Do what you like. She sounds ridiculous.

Definitely ignore it.
They are both trying to control everyone and need to know that they can't.
If you all pander to this in any way then she will always be in charge of the group.

Jesus, this is ridiculous. You did absolutely nothing wrong - adults are allowed to meet friends together and also separately. Ignore the stirring husband. Someone needs to sit her down and calmly explain that it's fine and normal for friends to meet each other when and how they like, also that she herself has done the same and no one has a problem with it. Nip this in the bud now! Hopefully she's just having some kind of weird wobble due to the crazy times we're all living in and is still a lovely friend underneath. But don't let her, or anyone, make you feel like you've done anything wrong - you really haven't!

Bloody hell. Her DH getting involved is going to alter the dynamic of the group here. I would be tempted to just ignore her for the time being and if her DH contacts you then message her on the group saying you don't appreciate him contacting you and you are now angry with her.

Oh dear, the husband sounds ridiculous. Why get involved in his wife’s drama? You and your friend have done absolutely nothing wrong OP, but you know that I’m sure.

Lockdown and less socialising have probably been hard for your other friend (being generous here) but if she is happy to organise things with just one or two others from your group then she really can’t complain about being ‘excluded’.

We have one friend a bit like this in our circle (all late 30s-mid 40s) - she sees lots of people one on one but gets annoyed if she finds out that anyone else has had a meet up without inviting her. She is otherwise lovely but has a need to be in control which I think is why it bothers her.

Dear lord her husband is a berk!!

Has she misunderstood and thought that the group was meeting up and excluding her?

How about a message to say, "I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick, it was only me and friend2 meeting for coffee"

Step right back and don't give any of this another moment's thought. Next time you have something to share with the group or want to meet up, post as normal on the WhatsApp. How she responds then is up to her.
Dont let her and her DH stir up any more drama amongst the rest of you.

My parents are similar age to you and if the idea of my dad wading in is hysterical. He'd probably do the opposite and even have less to do with the drama. I think most dhs I know wouldn't for that matter

God, what a ridiculous pair. I wouldn't invite her to anything ever again, drop her without a word and don't think twice about it. I couldn't tolerate that nonsense.

The Gen X Inner Child syndrome. (I am Gen X.) No use telling her to 'grow up' as it's hopeless now.

Oh Christ, I can't bear this shit. I used to have a friend (note the past tense), who I'll call K, who would throw a massive wobbly if I invited someone I'd met through her (for example, friend who I'll call S) to something. I don't even mean to meet up individually; I mean I'd invite S to a big party, to which K was also invited, but S wouldn't be 'allowed' by K to accept until or unless K invited her herself as a sort of plus one.

It was like a fucking NATO summit every time, until I realised I was too old and had too much of a life for that sort of crap, and sacked off K.

So, basically, ignore 'friend' and her ridiculous husband.

It was like a fucking NATO summit every time, until I realised I was too old and had too much of a life for that sort of crap, and sacked off K.

This is exactly what I want to avoid. I don't really know what to do now. I've not been in touch today, nor has anyone else but I'm worried that the longer we leave it the worse it'll be. But at the same time I just can't be arsed to give this kind of shite any wings.

I can't stand people who kick off about things they do themselves blatantly all the time, whatever age. The fact she's in her 50's and is still acting like it's the school playground would annoy me no end, so OP - YANBU.

Carry on seeing who you want to see, with or without her, she's being unreasonable and a hypocrite. Sometimes one-on-one meet-ups are just preferable and easier. Nice your other friends can see how silly it is too.

OP, it sounds like everyone else in the group is on the same page as you, so I'd honestly just not entertain it. Carry on messaging the group, if that's what you do normally, and meeting up if people suggest it, etc. Don't go after her or ask what's up. Send group invites (again, if that's how your friendship group normally works) and let her reply/turn up or not, without comment.

Why aren't you all just replying saying that no, you're going to stick to the way you've always done things - sometimes all together and sometimes in smaller groups.

@OVienna

The Gen X Inner Child syndrome. (I am Gen X.) No use telling her to 'grow up' as it's hopeless now.

Blimey is that a thing? I thought is Gen Xers are all meant to be latch-key kids so independent etc. Sorry, highjacking the thread...

I have a group of 4 friends that I met years ago at a place we all worked. I am particularly good friends with one of the group (she’s actually my nearest and dearest friend - best friend sounds so playgroundesque 😆). We do lots together usually and only meet once or twice a year as a group. Why would anyone have a problem with this? Clearly something else has annoyed her or she’s paranoid about something. You’re not kids for goodness sakes. You’ve done nothing wrong at all. Carry on as you were and let her make the decision as to if she wants to lose good friends over something so ridiculous 🙄

Silence really won't be helping anything at this point. Just say no, she's being bonkers and then move on.

@Margerine78 I am not sure. However, so many of my contemporaries continue to behave exactly the same way as when we were 17 years old and living at home with our parents that I have concluded it might be.

@WhatamessIgotinto

Well there's been a slight and rather unwelcome development.

Her husband has messaged our other friend (who asked me for a coffee yesterday) and said that she's very upset at the 'exclusion' and that he hopes she can find a way to fix things. FFS, this is just ridiculous.

Only just read that development. Have she replied? I’d feel tempted to say, this isn’t nursery, I’ll decide what I do with my time. Perhaps she needed some direct advice about something and didn’t want to discuss with all and sundry?! Some people are so ignorant, honestly! Personally I’d back well off.

@OVienna that would be my worse nightmare!

She sound very insecure and childish to be honest. I have a similar friendship group, we sometimes all meet up as a group and sometimes do things with just a couple of us. Never had anyone throw a strop over it so far.