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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

342 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 11:10

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

OP posts:
Potteringdawn · 23/08/2020 12:26

What a control freak, I would ignore her as she is going to make drama out of this. In a big group of course it’s acceptable to meet up individually, what a hypocrite she is too.

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2020 12:27

She's definitely in the wrong
Leave her to sulk and make plans with your other friends

PussGirl · 23/08/2020 12:38

How silly of her! I often meet friends individually as do they - the rest of the wider group never feel left out.

Whataroyalannoyance · 23/08/2020 12:40

So she has been to meet you without the others?
Id mention that
Oh, (friend x) i didn't realise that was the case, if id known then we really shouldn't have met on y date without the others...

She is happy with others being left out, just nor her.

EnidPrunehat · 23/08/2020 12:41

YANBU. I have a close friendship group of 4. We meet together and separately. Two of us have dogs and will take the sort of walks the others aren’t fussed about. All of us have activities outside our group friendship. We tend to plan visits to NT places or days out as a group but we don’t wait half a lifetime if we can’t fix a convenient date for all of us to go! It’s quite usual to meet up for coffee separately especially as two of us are in the same very extended family and can have specific things we need to talk about. None of us would dream of conspiring against another or talking unpleasantly behind their back and perhaps your friend is insecure about this happening. Either way, it’s neither practical nor helpful to feel obligated to treat meeting up as an all or nothing experience.

LemonyFace · 23/08/2020 12:43

@Potteringdawn

What a control freak, I would ignore her as she is going to make drama out of this. In a big group of course it’s acceptable to meet up individually, what a hypocrite she is too.
This is it exactly - she's a control freak! Do what I say, not what I do.
Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 12:43

Hmmm. I personally don't like doing that because I'm conscious of making someone feel left out. Personally I don't think I'd care but when my friends invite some of us (me included) but not everyone I don't like it... It feels mean.

To me there's no harm in firing a quick text to the group saying X and I are going for coffee at x time in x place if any of you are about and fancy it.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2020 12:48

If she's not talking to any of you I would just leave it and next time you want to see her just ask if she wants to meet up as usual. Don't talk about the others. If she brings it up just say, everyone can do as they wish, you're not getting involved.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 23/08/2020 12:49

I can't believe this kind of nonsense still carries on when people are in their FIFTIES.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 23/08/2020 12:49

I am quite sensitive, but working on it. She might be insecure or she might be having a sad/depressed moment - more common than usual at the moment even if you weren't isolated during lockdown. So in her situation I might secretly feel a bit left out and mildly paranoid, but I don't think I would actually have said anything - I would have talked myself down and reminded myself that people are allowed to see other people!

intheningnangnong · 23/08/2020 12:50

We have a group of 5 I see all of them separately and together. I hate a dynamic that means I can't have individual relationships with people. She is ridiculous and is trying to control people. Seems very insecure to me.

billyt · 23/08/2020 12:52

But Mondaymanic, the OP has explained it was just the two of them and the the one she was meeting had been shielding and wanted a quiet chat. The others understood because they are normal.
The whinger needs to wind her neck in.
Sound like my SIL (NC now) who loved to organise all close friend/family group meetings but would also arrange her own little 2 and 3 person meetings without saying anything to anyone else (but would put on FB while they were there) and then whine like a big baby when she was left out if others met up.
One she moaned the loudest about took place in Guildford while she was at her home in Spain! She couldn't bloody get there!
And if there was a group meet up where she was she'd always be the last to turn up and always late

Ninkanink · 23/08/2020 12:53

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Potteringdawn · 23/08/2020 12:53

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

I can't believe this kind of nonsense still carries on when people are in their FIFTIES.
My mother is 85 and recently fell out with her squad over something similar Grin
Whatthebloodyell · 23/08/2020 12:54

You haven’t done anything wrong. And clearly in normal times she would agree with you, as she does the same herself! But something must be up with her, maybe like many her MH is suffering due to social distancing, and she is taking it out on those she is closest too.

letsmaketea · 23/08/2020 12:56

Is she like that usually? If not, I'd wonder if something has upset her and would probably call her to ask, kindly, if she's ok.

Picklypickles · 23/08/2020 12:57

I had a friend a bit like this, we were a group of 3 friends who all grew up together, we would often make plans for the 3 of us to go out for a meal or cinema trip etc and she would often cancel at the last minute but would then get really shitty if me and the other friend didn't cancel and carried on with our plans without her. She had no problem at all just going somewhere with one of us or with other friends and not including us - once a group from our village suggested a night for all of us who went to primary school together, me and friend 2 said that sounded nice and then they went an had the night without telling us about it, but if we were to express any upset we'd have been being unreasonable. I don't see friend one any more, too old for the school playground nonsense now!

OLGADEEPOLGA · 23/08/2020 12:58

I have a friend like this. No longer though.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 23/08/2020 13:02

Actually pottering to be fair being in her eighties and still having the energy to create drama deserves some kudos!
I was just hoping I could look forward to a quiet couple of decades free of petty gossip, especially as my primary school era is coming to an end...
OP you're not unreasonable At All. One on one friend time is v important, especially within a big group.

Original poster
WhatamessIgotinto · 23/08/2020 13:02

I really don't want to feel like I can't have a quick coffee and a chat with 1 friend in case another friend is annoyed. I can't be doing with nonsense like that.

@Mondaymanic do you genuinely feel like you should always be asked? Don't you think it's ok for two friends to catch up without everyone else there too? I really want to know because I've never really felt like this.

When I look at the messages she sent again this morning - she makes no note that the other two women who weren't there were not asked, just that she felt left out and felt that she should be included. I could easily have mentioned the time she arranged to go and see a show with two of the others/cinema with one other then tagging one of the others in to say she would have enjoyed the film. The reason I didn't do that is because I couldn't give a shit and I'm not 12. 😁

OP posts:
ptumbi · 23/08/2020 13:06

FFS - Really? you are a group (or squad? Hmm) of five, and now you are joined at the/her hip? You can't have any other friends? Or days out without her?

I'd drop her for that. I hate hate hate being controlled or manipulated or guilted.

Ninkanink · 23/08/2020 13:07

I’d be distancing myself too. I can’t abide that kind of drama.

ptumbi · 23/08/2020 13:11

Hmmm. I personally don't like doing that because I'm conscious of making someone feel left out. Personally I don't think I'd care but when my friends invite some of us (me included) but not everyone I don't like it... It feels mean. - really?

Why are you taking responsibility for other peoples' feelings? So what if they feel 'left out' - most adult people recognise that other friends have whole parts of their lives that are not adjacent to others, and not dependant on others.

If they feel left out, it is up to them to find something else to worry about. Hmm Other people, even friends, do not need to live in each others back pockets, or need to live their lives constantly worrying about what other friends are doing without them!

feebeecat · 23/08/2020 13:16

I have one of these, same age group (as am I) I feel like I’m right back in the playground. It’s really tiresome and has to an extent meant that other friends have drifted away rather than “offend” her. All a bit hard work. Fortunately I’m now 20+ miles away, so she’s restricted to “tracking us” Good luck!

Potteringdawn · 23/08/2020 13:16

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

Actually pottering to be fair being in her eighties and still having the energy to create drama deserves some kudos! I was just hoping I could look forward to a quiet couple of decades free of petty gossip, especially as my primary school era is coming to an end... OP you're not unreasonable At All. One on one friend time is v important, especially within a big group.
I know, two of them also fell out over some hand cream. I love it.
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