To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

So it’s it ok for her to feel excluded but ok for her to exclude others

Nah she’s wrong and rightfully called out on it by the others

Message her today and say you need to pop to town for some hemorrhoid cream and wondered if she wanted to meet up?
Say your flatulence issue has flared up but sure she won't mind what with you being such good friends...
She is bonkers op..

I am almost 50, and the idea of being in a "friendship group" makes me feel ill.

Even my 16 yr old DD has moved on from "friendship groups".

I have introduced friends, who have become great friends Independent from me.

I don't own the rights to anyone.

I think if you invite everyone except her then that does come across as intentionally excluding her. But doing something with one or two other people is totally fine and it's silly for her to be upset over this.

Of course YANBU! You're not joined at the hip.

If this is out of character for her I would assume she’s struggling right now and needed some extra support. I’d arrange to meet her and have a chat about it and ask if she’s ok and gently tell her she’s bonkers for saying that and that you are there for her.

Depends. In some situations you could be U, because I've been in some friendship groups where there was a definite hierarchy and if you see that most of the others have met up and you've been left out it does really hurt. If, for example three or four of you have been out and she had been the only one not there I could have seen her point.

Trying to organise things for a group can be an absolute PITA so I tend to make firm plans with one or two then offer it out to everyone so nobody can say they weren't invited.

However given that in your friendship group it is normal to do things in smaller groups (and that other friend has very fairly pointed out that she does this herself) I don't think she has a foot to stand on. Even if
it wasn't normal, there will always be odd occasions when it's not just a general catch up and someone wants to talk about something personal (as your friend did) maybe to one friend who is a bit more sympathetic, or who has known them longer, or who has gone through the same thing, and there's nothing wrong with that.

So you are definitely not BU in this case and I'm surprised that your friend has the cheek to sulk when it was pointed out she is the worst culprit for solo meet ups rather than saying 'Ok fair point, sorry.'

What she really wanted to say was "I don't think anybody should meet up without ME!" wasn't it?

Pottering I love the idea of your 85 yr old mother having a squad

@letsmaketea well I'm now worried that she's been silently seething about this kind of thing for years and not said anything. I don't know now, I would never have considered she would be like this. I'm kind of thinking to leave it for a few days and then ring her and see if she fancies a meet up.

The other thing I would say is that I do want to be able to see people 1:1 myself and that is another thing I would remind myself of before I started firing off passive aggressive texts in this situation. I don't think she's unreasonable to feel a bit sad but she should be able to recognise that this does not mean that she can impose rules on other people about who they see and when

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM. Ok group of friends. Five friends. People I am friends with and go to various events with. Whatever you want to call it. Doesn't really alter the issue.

OP - you will get posters saying things like 'oh why not 'just' invite her? It doesn't cost anything to Just be Nice, and it's hurtful to excluded her' and I always cringe so hard at these.

Women are trained our whole lives to put others first, to avoid upsetting or hurting others' feelings, to be kind.

It is not being hurtful to put our own wants and needs first - if you, or friend, wanted to meet up and chat without the others there, you have a perfect RIGHT to do so. If Queen B decides to take offence at that, it's her problem. Not yours - and not your to fix.
Back off from her. She is at best a drama queen and at worse a controller.

@whatamessigotinto No I don't.. Don't worry you did nothing wrong. What I mean is I tend to wing out the invite as some of my friends are sensitive to that kind of thing and it's no odds to me so I'd feel bad if they felt left out. However if 2 of my friends met for coffee and didn't say to me I wouldn't take it personally at all.
I also think if your friend was annoyed she should be silently annoyed and not make a fuss lol.
One of my friends is the opposite of me and can't be arsed turning a coffee into an event as she says lol so really doesn't invite everyone and that's alright too!

You may like her, but it may be worth putting some distance between you as well as she sounds very petulant. And hypocritical.

I don't think she's unreasonable to feel a bit sad

Would you really feel sad though, if two friends met up for a coffee?

It’s really childish of her! We expect primary age children to learn to cope with not being invited to everything all the time.

If there’s five of you and you’d left one person out that would be mean. But meeting up with just one or two others as you did is absolutely fine.

And quite honestly the idea that it is somehow 'OK' when you are in your 80s is just patronising, ageist and cringy.

We are all just people, and if it is controlling and manipulative in your teens, it is the same in your 50s, 80s, whatever.

I really would not stand it.

I also should add.. I have an issue to an extent with it because one of our friends is never the one asked out for coffee etc on her own and I'm sure it hurts her feelings..

Also just wondering if this is out of the ordinary and your friend is being unusually touchy about the situation there could be other things going on? (mental health or having a hard time or something) just a thought xx

I just think I'm too old for this shit. One of the other women is really pissed off at our mutual friend because of it because she thinks it's so ludicrous but I really don't want this to escalate.

I'd feel bad if they felt left out. - but why? why is it up to you to make sure no one has their feelings hurt? You say your self it wouldn't bother you if others met up without you - why are you projecting these feelings onto others? They might feel exactly the same as you (not bothered) so why are you taking on their projected hurt?

If they are 'hurt' by it, they need to grow up a bit lot.

As does Queen B in this situation.

Oh OP - why would it escalate? And again, why would you care?

She gets over it, or she doesn't. Either way, unless she is your partner or someone you are deeply entangled with, why not just step back?

Otherwise her 'escalating' it, is her getting her own way, and stropping so much that you all do as she says - in the same way that controllers strop with the sole intention of making sure that you never 'upset' her again. And job done.

It’s fine to meet one to one.

Actually, covid guidelines say you’re only allowed to socialise indoors with up your two households so she couldn’t have joined you anyway.

Sometimes it's just too exhausting to arrange even a simple meetup for 5.

@PurpleDaisies we were outside in a tea room garden.

@ptumbi You're right of course. I hate drama and I hate bad feeling and I'm just so surprised she feels like this. I don't understand why it hasn't come up over the past 12 or so years I suppose. I would never upset her (or anyone!) deliberately but I don't want to start feeling 'managed' by a friend IYKWIM. Or anyone really.