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Original poster

Who should get the extension?

392 replies

Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 08:58

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

OP posts:
Mizzler · 23/08/2020 19:36

Well done op. I think you've done a really great thing for yourself and your children today.

Tistheseason17 · 23/08/2020 19:37

Great update, OP - Well done!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/08/2020 19:37

*For the love of God don't give your boys the extension. Partition their room and buy them some really good noise cancelling headphones.

I wouldn't have two lazy teenage boys being treated like little lords while three females, one of them the bread winning adult, are cramped into one room*

^^
This! 100%

Do not give either boy the extension. That’s really setting them up to go down the same path they have started down - entitled males - like your ex and your Dad.

I know you’ve updated a lot but the answer to your initial question is that you must have the extension.

For your sake and for the sake of your dds - they shouldn’t be having to share with their mother as they get older - especially the 7 yo. And you should have the space you need to work and have some privacy.

It will do the boys good to learn to live together. Partition and noise cancelling headphones.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/08/2020 19:37

Sorry x post with your update!

Givemlala · 23/08/2020 19:40

Amazing OP, sounds great, and seems they are happy with the resolution too. Good luck with it all

ButtonMoonLoon · 23/08/2020 19:42

Wow, that sounds like amazing progress!
Well done. You sound stronger. Do you feel it?
Hopefully you can all move forward positively now.

Littleposh · 23/08/2020 19:46

I'm impressed and so pleased for you!!

Original poster
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 19:51

No i feel a bundle of nerves. But he took it politely and maturely. He is fine but i do feel guilty even so
Also wracked with anxiety over new job. I miss my colleagues already not that im close to them but they are familiar. Theres nothing constant in my life other than work and the house. Now both are in the air.
Have decided deep down to sack off the partner. His patheticness with the exW shows he is either still wanting her or a wet lettuce, neither benefit me. Plus, people help you if you are totally single, which i am in every respect of the word really.

OP posts:
Blackbear19 · 23/08/2020 19:51

I will sleep on the floor until they are used to the change then move down to the extension.

What? Why sleep on the floor, just move into the extension, it's not that big a house they won't find you. They don't need to get used to you not being in their room.

NameChange2PostThis · 23/08/2020 20:03

@Janejones12 well done good decision. Reject your guilty feeling, it is misplaced. You have done your children a huge favour by setting a firm and loving boundary around your right to your own space.

And please don’t sleep on the floor. Just move. You are projecting your fear of change on your children, they have not suffered childhood abuse so they do not have it. The fear of change is yours. Please seek out help for yourself

Ps so pleased you are ditching the boyfriend too - he is the one who sounds pathetic... you sound amazing.

seriously, well done.

Palavah · 23/08/2020 20:04

Well done! Xx

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 20:07

@Janejones12

No i feel a bundle of nerves. But he took it politely and maturely. He is fine but i do feel guilty even so Also wracked with anxiety over new job. I miss my colleagues already not that im close to them but they are familiar. Theres nothing constant in my life other than work and the house. Now both are in the air. Have decided deep down to sack off the partner. His patheticness with the exW shows he is either still wanting her or a wet lettuce, neither benefit me. Plus, people help you if you are totally single, which i am in every respect of the word really.
Hearing you be firm and consistent will help him too. Children, even teens who claim they don't, actually like boundaries. It makes them feel safe.

I'm glad you've decided to sack off the partner. He sounds extremely rude and pushy about your life despite the fact his sound very enmeshed with his ex. You deserve much better than that

altiara · 23/08/2020 20:14

Lots of progress!
I think you just need some time acting as the leader at home, kicking the home line reports into shape. Then slowly you’ll become more settled at work too.

Ellie56 · 23/08/2020 20:21

Good work OP.

Sarahbeans · 23/08/2020 20:22

Really pleased to hear this @Janejones12.

Your boys will get used to their new arrangements and it sounds like they accepted it well. Giving them the ability to decorate their rooms should be a good distraction.

You can do this!

Original poster
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 20:23

To be fair the ex seems unhinged. Numerous serious relationships she left him but somehow expects him to support her through each relationship breakdown. And he does. They see each other every day she pops in unannounced. She turns up if we are having a meal out and just sits down. Joke.

OP posts:
threesecrets · 23/08/2020 20:51

Extension is your space. Boys continue to share a room but have access to the living room. You won't mind as much as you will have your space.

Original poster
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 20:56

I am much better when they are in school as a parent. I really am.
Lockdown has been truly shit. 6 months of kids having little supervision whilst their parents work, little or no access with teachers other than to submit stuff by email.
Its been awful.

OP posts:
threesecrets · 23/08/2020 20:58

Can the living room be partitioned?

Original poster
Janejones12 · 23/08/2020 20:59

Thank you all so much for your advice. Pretty unanimous really, patterns clearly visible to others have bypassed me. I have made note of it.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 23/08/2020 20:59

You got the extension for a reason. Stick to it

RandomMess · 23/08/2020 21:00

I can only imagine how horrific lockdown has been for every single parent, particularly ones with no support. Similarly with 4 DC across a wide age range 😳

We only have our youngest 2 still in school and that has been miserable enough. I can't even think about what exam results they will end up with this summer, certainly not as good as they could have been!

Namechange2020onceagain · 23/08/2020 21:07

@Janejones12

I told the eldest he cannot have it. That i need it to work for now. He chose one end of the large bedroom he would like, his brother wants the farther end. I said i will buy nice bedding for them and they can paint. The girls can go in the other bedroom and share but there is plenty of room. I will sleep on the floor until they are used to the change then move down to the extension. I think once they have ownership of it, ie paint it how they like hopefully it will be nice for them. I will get the builder to quote me a price for it. I hope once they go back to school it gets easier. At least they wont be on top of each other or around me all the time. Ive decided they can do a meal one night a week, their own laundry-will give them a baslet each and show them how- and load or empty the dishwasher once a day. Does that sound like progress?
Hallelujah

Well done, I know you found it difficult, it really is the best thing you could have done. I bet it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be either. You can sleep well tonight knowing that the decision has been made and now you can look forward to your very own (probably for the first time in your life) sanctuary.

I also don't think you have been pathetic. You obviously love all your children very much and are just doing whatever you can to give them everything they want, though it is not always a good thing to get everything you want.

I'm sure the older ones will piss about and moan about the new chores. Don't give an inch, if they don't do it, tell them you will use their allowance to pay someone to do it. That should get some results.

Well done. I'm full of admiration for you.

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2020 21:14

Really well done, OP! Good work.

SciFiScream · 23/08/2020 21:20

Take the extension. Make it a beautiful and relaxing space for you. With somewhere to work.

Maybe have a TV in there? Then sometimes, when you're not using it you could let any of the children use the space.

That's what we do. We only have 1 living space (reception room as listed by estate agents) so sometimes we let either child use our room as a second "living space".

If you're feeling brave and have the ceiling height you could get a loft bed with a chair bed under and a desk at the side. If you have w chair bed the kids could join you for sleepovers occasionally! Bonding time with Mum and let's all the children have a room to themselves for a night.

Get the kids bed tents. They go under the mattress and zip round the bed making a private space. There are so many options to give the kids privacy.

Then during the day if no work was happening you've got 2 bedrooms upstairs, the living room and extension downstairs. So 4 rooms for 5 people.

You could spread out and use the space creatively I'm sure.

YOU SHOULD COME FIRST.

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