Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

I’ve read all your posts, OP, although not the whole thread.

You sound like a woman in need of a closed door and a room of her own.

You’re the person around whom the whole household of DC revolves. If you go down, they all go down. So please, put on your own face mask, take the extension for yourself, and then sort out the rest of the rooms as best as possible to provide your 2x teens with privacy. Your eldest who likes to be disturbed least gets the partitioned part where no one walks through, and noise-cancelling headphones. That’s the extent of it.

You need space to be a good mother. Taking the space in the extension is the right thing to do.

I think partitioning would be cheap and yes eldest can go in most private but I am scared of his disappointed reaction. This is my fault as when we were discussing options I was talking about trying to put one of them in there

Point out very firmly that you wouldn't have the house at all but for your work, and that that has to take priority.

As for your sister, if she's that bothered about your children's accommodation, perhaps she can offer some or contribute to something like a loft extension.

@Janejones12

How about if I give the two girls a partitioned room each, eldest the extension, second eldest where he is I could get a sofabed and sleep in the lounge which would then have no toys in it. Only thing is I will not have any room for stuff. But they will all have their own space so it's fair for each of them. I could find a day job. I feel I am working to keep them forever. I can't see ever being free to be honest. And they don't even go back to school properly but it's silly half days here and mornings there until at least the beginning of October. That's another 6 weeks

No. And no.

You need to be the adult. Children even older teens do not get what they want all the time. In an ideal world, you would live in a 5 bed. But you don’t.

As someone said, you are keeping the show on the road. You. Alone. You. Need. Sleep. A workspace. Your eldest goes to school. He can use libraries, his bedroom and even your new bedroom in the extension to work if he needs space.

Stop letting these boys manipulate you. Woman up!

It's clear you need your own room.

When the DC kick off about it you need to be clear that if you have some sort of breakdown they will end up in care because their Dad isn't around and you need your own space.

You are the one working and holding it altogether etc.

It is certainly worth looking at the loft to see if can be used as a den for gaming but not sleeping in.

Your eldest sounds as entitled as his father and you need to assert yourself as being in charge in your own house!!!

Also as a tip in future here OP, don’t let things be open to any sort of negotiation right from the start.

For example you say...

I’m building an extension for ME

See it’s a statement, a declaration NOT a question, not a discussion, it’s just is what it is.

What’s happening now is that you’ve essentially said....

I’m building an extension for more space and then later figure out who will get the benefit of it.

It’ should simply not be up for discussion, you are the adult, you are the one paying for it, it’s YOURS and that’s the end of conversation right there!!!

Does moaning a whining get you you the corner office and that big fat promotion and pay rise at work?? Absolutely fucking not....and why??? Erm well because you have to work for it, you have earn it, no one is ever going to hand you something just for whining and kicking up a huge fuss about it. Except that’s exactly what your children WILL expect, because it’s how they are behaving towards you already. As I said before IF this continues they are in for a hard life as adults, because you cannot just get your own way in the workplace, you cannot just get your own way in friendships/relationships, not in healthy ones anyway and I am sure as the loving and caring mother you are want them to have healthy relationships. Healthy relationships start with healthy firm boundaries and boundaries are necessary for us all, as children and as adults.

You need to be the adult in this situation. You should have the extension. Could you look at getting one of those pull-down beds which fit a desk underneath them? If you Google image pull down bed desk or Murphy bed desk you will see what I mean.

I know you said you didn't know how to do a floor plan, but if you have pen and paper and a phone camera you could just draw one on paper (with dimensions and showing where the doors and windows are) and then take a photo and attach it using the paperclip icon. I think partitioning the bigger room would be a good idea if at all possible.

Being a mother is often a thankless task. But you sound like you are doing a great job and trying your very best. Don't be discouraged.

It sounds like you should have the extension for yourself. But partitioning the boys room sounds like it's quite urgent so I would be looking to do this asap. If your bedroom that you share with the girls is bigger then perhaps partition this one and the girls can share the boys old room. But I agree with a previous poster about noise cancelling headphones and not allowing loud xbox sessions especially later in the evening. Maybe introduce a curfew on the xbox - we have one in our house and it works. They know the xbox needs to be switched off by 7pm and the tv is used as the tv/for the family after this time.

They should all be doing stuff around the house never mind anything else. It isn't all your responsibility.

@Littleposh

So your teenage son, who contributes nothing to the household either through money, physical help or emotional support, is going to be able to have a partner sleep but you aren't?? No chance

That said, your boyfriend sounds like a lot of extra hard work that you really don't need at the moment

Not even the sleeping over, she can’t have her partner round for a cup of coffee!

Also as a tip in future here OP, don’t let things be open to any sort of negotiation right from the start

For example you say...

I’m building an extension for ME

I agree.

I have a feeling her eldest is going to throw an almighty fit should the OP keep the extension for herself.

You should have the extension.

Think of it as a new beginning. This is when you finally get to put yourself first, and it's the start of you finally having a sanctuary.

If it turns out not to be as you'd hoped, then you can think about moving someone else in there. It will be a lot easier than putting one of your boys in there first and then trying to get them back out again.

Your sister & new partner have no say in the matter. I would also be adding that there will be no girlfriends visiting (let alone staying over) until your DS' attitude and behaviour improves.

The second son is already talking about having his girlfriend over when he gets his own room.

Seriously, OP, look at this sentence and think it through.

You, a fully grown adult who is the owner of the home, fully mature and entitled to have an adult relationship cannot currently do so because you are sharing a room with TWO children.

Yet your teenage son thinks that his want to have his girlfriend over should take priority and you should have no bedroom of your own to facilitate this.

No. No. NO!

You also mention wanting them to be able to save for a deposit which emans you are really thinking about the boys being with you for a good length of time, at least another 10 years. You mentioned buying somewhere bigger in 5 years - will that realistically be able to be a 5 bed (which would be a huge step up)? Because if not this problem will follow you - you'll have the boys demanding their own rooms and you won't be able to refuse because they'll be fully grown adult males by then with the entitlement that's already showing. The girls by then will be teenagers and will protest very loudly at their brothers getting special treatment so they'll need their own rooms.

You'll be on the sofa. Again.

OP, you have started your post by saying 'Please can I ask your advice'. You now don't seem to be taking it.

Could you please draw a quick plan of the house, take a photo of it and post it. People can give you good advice based on what they can see, rather than guessing.

Bin the 'partner'. You're already having doubts and how dare he say you are a doormat (even if you are!) when he has his ex wife and her crying all entangled with your relationship. He's a complication you can do without.

We will try and help. I think the problem is that this extension has been put forward a bit open ended, whereas now you need to say YOU are in the extension. When you are not working in the evenings, one of the DC (not always the eldest) can go in there if they have work/studying to do, but they come out when you are ready for bed.

You earn the money, you are having the room. The living room is a living room, no one is sleeping in it.

If you don't earn money, you lose the house. When they have their own house, they make the rules.

@Janejones12 please please Listen to the wisdom here. Your children are at high risk of turning into monsters whom no one will love. Your ‘kindness’ in giving in to their entitled demands is doing this. So get tough and set some boundaries. I posted before about re-setting the family rules and your latest post underlines how urgent this is.

1. The extension is yours, yours alone. Not shared, not for homework or gaming. Yours.
2. If you can, get the kids’ rooms partitioned. Tell them to tolerate whatever solution is possible. They need to get over themselves and realise how lucky they are.
3. Give a list of chores that each child must complete - make sure it’s age appropriate and genuinely helps you run the house.
4. Tell your children what behaviour is acceptable including sharing the living room, letting you sleep, noise, demands for things
5. Only provide pocket money if chores are done and behaviour is acceptable
6. Find yourself a private therapist to work through your past - cut the excessive pocket money if you need to do so to afford it
7. Actually consider cutting down the pocket money anyway, it’s an unrealistic sum of money for children with no responsibilities
8. Ditch the deadweight DP
9. Find a new DP and invite him round for coffee whenever you want - it’s your house

10. Tell your younger DS to buy himself headphones for his x box and that 14 year old boys don’t have girlfriends in their bedroom, shared or otherwise. 11. Get your eldest DS to the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS or try school welfare - he needs to be assessed both for possible ASD and because he has previously threatened suicide 12. Breathe... and remind yourself that you are enough and you are not your parents. Setting boundaries is not abusive, it is a loving act.

Take care - and take the bloody extension.

Draw a floor plan of your home, post it on here... it's not hard :)

Then we can see which rooms could actually be split.

One option could be to split the boys room and you have the side that gets walked through, quiet boy has the side that doesn't...

That does then leave noisy boy with the extension which isn't ideal but you could then say he only gets to play games in there and nowhere else.

Or as others have said, split what is now the girls room, put the boys in there, then divvy up the old boys room and the extension how you see fit.

If you split both boys and girls rooms and now there are five people and five rooms, it may make the extension less appealing!

I can't believe what I'm reading. Your 14 year old son is already planning having his gf over to sleep in his new room, while you share with your daughters and have zero privacy as an adult, and can't even have a partner over for coffee.

Please, OP seek counselling to deal with your issues. And don't even think about giving him the room, not even on a 'temporary' basis, as it would become permanent.

The pp who talked about 'compromise'- WTF?? How does it teach the kids compromise when the boys are given literally whatever they want?

One option could be to split the boys room and you have the side that gets walked through, quiet boy has the side that doesn't...

That does then leave noisy boy with the extension which isn't ideal but you could then say he only gets to play games in there and nowhere else.

The main thing that's noticeable about this arrangement is that the OP, the person who pays the mortgage and does all the household chores, gets the shitty end of the stick. Why the fuck should she?

Of course you should get the extension. Your sister isn’t the one who’s having to share a room with two kids so should mhob!

For the love of God don't give your boys the extension. Partition their room and buy them some really good noise cancelling headphones.

I wouldn't have two lazy teenage boys being treated like little lords while three females, one of them the bread winning adult, are cramped into one room

Just read about the plans for the girlfriend

Ffs OP. Put your foot down and grow a backbone. You're letting your girls down dreadfully

I tried to write earlier but thought you might feel I was being overly critical.

A room partition does not have to give a square room so by sacrificing some space both boys could be given an entrance to a partitioned room to give them their own space.

I have 4 children - 2 girls and 2 boys. They were sharing one room up until the eldest was 9 as we simply didn't have space however we configured the house to make it better.

The issues here run much, much deeper than just siblings being antsy over bedrooms. It sounds like your childhood wasn't the best and then pandering to your ex to keep the peace has put you in the position of always putting your needs last. This has to change.

Give the girls the smaller shared bedroom. Partition the bigger bedroom as best you can and you get the extension.

Your children need to learn to share their living space with each other rather than demanding they have the best.

They all do chores to get their pocket money - even the youngest. They are getting far too much to be doing nothing at all. To compare, my 12yo gets £5 a week, 10yo gets £3 and the 8yr old get £2 each. The latter recently went up from £1. But, to get their pocket money they have to help out with jobs around the house with no complaints. It is expected they do the dishes, help with laundry, dinner, dusting and hoovering as asked and keeping their bedroom and the playroom tidy as a minimum.

Sharing the partitioned end of the room with the quiet boy, who isnt going to be loud or constantly in and out of the room is hardly the shitty end of the stick though.

It isn't ideal but the problem is you are mixing up the emotional stuff, the 'who deserves what' stuff with the practical stuff.

From a purely practical point of view, everyone having their own space more than they currently do is the way forward.

The emotional stuff however does need addressing, but how much peace and quiet is the OP going to achieve if shes expecting two teenage boys to consider each others needs in a partitioned room?

If they can't do that now in a shared room, what are the chances they will do that in a partitioned one?

I really think the OP needs to have something of a family meeting with the two boys at least to set out what is expected, what THEY need to compromise on (loud games, times such games are played) and sort that out first before any room division goes on.

"My head is spinning, and yes I am pathetic but honestly, coping with it all day in day out means the treadmill approach is all I can take."

You sound amazing to me

I see you have said the extension is small for the boys to share but could they have a (strong) bunk bed in there? What about those ones that are a bed on top and sofa bed at the bottom? A wardrobe and if there is room for a tele on the wall and a comfy chair then one boy could relax or have a friend to visit in there and the other use the living room or kitchen/diner. I wouldn't formalise who relaxes in there just see how it goes.

Your daughters could share the boys old room and you have the big room with a bigger bed and desk.

If you are unsure tge suggestion to all keep your sleeping arrangements as they are for now is very good.

Put a desk for you in the extension and a relax corner with tv/chair etc but only quiet (silent/headphone/reading/homework) use allowed during your working hours when people who need to be noisy can use the livibg room. The extension can be noisy when you are not working and can be used for friends to visit/play (all ages) when you are not working. That way everyone gets use of the room- but your work must take priority especially until kids are all back in school.

I would worry that if you move into the extension straight away now it will be a big shock for your little girls - -having you sleep and work in there and they could well end up missing you and coming in at night and sitting on your bed/being needy in the day.

As an aside not giving older boy with girlfriend his own room avoids a can of worms about him asking for her to stay over in future.

OK, I changed my mind.

Extension for you.

Largest bedroom partitioned for the boys.

Smaller bedroom for the two youngest to share.

By the way, you sound a bit passive and I feel I should say that just as it's not your son's decision to have his GF over, it's yours - your DP doesn't automatically get to stay either just because you have the space. It's still your call. It sounds like you got bludgeoned into submission as a child and you're still there. Think about what you want.

You built the extension to give yourself an office for home working so as it is primarily a workspace you should have that. We had an office/sleep space at work which had a unit from studybed.