Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

You get the extension no question.

I think you are overwhelmed at the moment OP.

So if I were you, I would take one small step at a time. It’s clear that you taking the new room against the wishes of your son, is just too much for you right now and that finding peace within the home is more important to your mental health. So if you can’t manage to assert your right to the new room, then I would agree with the pp who said to give the older teen boy the new room. However I would make very clear that this new arrangement is on a trial basis only - conditional on taking much more adult responsibility for chores to be shared. And on the understanding that it has an impact on the other brother. Reiterate that you may well need this family sleeping arrangement to change later on, at any time YOU deem necessary for whatever reason and that the boys really are lucky to have a roof over their heads and food on the table, so arguing or complaining will no longer be tolerated.
Then if possible, divide the larger of the two existing bedrooms somehow so that you take one side, your other teen son the other side.
If you do feel strong enough to take the new room for yourself then do so, as you know it would be by far the best outcome. Maybe a family meeting with the boys where you lay out your heartache over this problem might even result in them being far more amenable than you imagine.
Good luck ... you are deserving of far more consideration and kindness than you are used to.

Be selfish for once op. You need to think of yourself too. The boys will get over it, and will learn a lesson in that they can't have what they want all the time.

Sounds like your boys come from a line of abusive, lazy men (your father, their father) and they’re heading in exactly the same way.

Get firm now or they’ll make a prisoner of you in your own home when they’re still living there in their 20s and have a train of girlfriends and friends through your doors.

Instead of £50 a month in pocket money, tell them you’re putting £50 into an account for each of them that will go towards their deposit and first month’s rent when they move out at age 18/19.
Let them earn pocket money through doing chores.

You’re not doing them or yourselves any favors with the way they’re being indulged and spoiled.

Even now I'm woken by the younger girls. There is no space or time for me at all

There is space and time for you OP - in the extension!

Have you considered that the reason you feel like this is because you are sharing with two children? You never get the headspace away from kids to regroup and feel "off duty", even when they're asleep. You would feel far less overwhelmed and more equipped to deal with their increasingly demanding behaviour if you had that time to yourself. That's why you feel like you never stop. There is an obvious cause and effect. You need that room. They don't, they just want it.

Can you do a plan of the upstairs? It may be possible to reconfigure it to 3 proper bedrooms.

Do you have high ceilings?

How do i attach a photo

Not high ceilings no

You can attach a photo using the little paperclip icon under the box you write in, near the smily face symbol.

There is a paperclip under the reply box for attachments.

Of course you should have your own room.

Of you partition the larger room you can do it by building a room in a room if you see what I mean. Turn the area beside the current door into a porch with 2 doors off it, one room will have a corridor leading to it. The other room you put kallax unit in the middle to give the girls their own space and you have the extension.

Not a great sketch but hopefully gives an idea.

@Janejones12 we can advise with the reconfiguration of rooms if it helps.
But you should still take the extension for yourself.

Plenty of kids share rooms and plenty of kids hate it. It’s part of growing up and it’s not abusive and it won’t scar them. On the contrary it might be a little piece of motivation to get them all to work hard for themselves.

And if it really doesn’t work out, you could consider letting your eldest sleep on a sofa bed in the front room sometimes- when it is convenient for you

Please please find yourself a counsellor to talk through your abusive childhood and help you set healthy boundaries.

We turned one bedroom into two as per the diagram and added a window in the smaller room. Both bedrooms had doors and a window. We just put up a stud wall in between the rooms and added two doors. Just a thought so one child doesn't have to walk through the others room. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote LittleMissnotLittleMrs]@Janejones12 We keep asking about whether you could partition the larger bedroom and swap the boys and girls over. You’ve not answered this. Why not? Is this a possibility?[/quote]
Yes this is an option, I thought I had discussed it a few times. But you would have to walk through one to get to the other-hence one would be more private. I did just go and measure up there and they would easily fit a single bed, chest of drawers and desk in both
And it's better than they have now
The girls could get some nice new beds and I could redecorate it all for them

OP please let these posts sink in . The fact you have come on here looking for permission to be moving into the extension leaving your DC to share rooms is shocking to me. That you even formulated the idea that the one of them should have it instead meanwhile you share with two of them is unbelievable.

Find a way to stand up to your eldest, I am at the end of parenting a DS who is almost 24 and about to move out. He is a “good boy” but over the years lots of arguments about pulling his weight and the way he speaks to me and I have been very tough about not tolerating certain things but still had a fight on my hands at times. If you give him the extension that further allows him to think he is king of the castle and as he gets older and bigger he may well become really difficult to live with.

@Jojobythesea

We turned one bedroom into two as per the diagram and added a window in the smaller room. Both bedrooms had doors and a window. We just put up a stud wall in between the rooms and added two doors. Just a thought so one child doesn't have to walk through the others room. 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes it would be similar to this. Corridoring it would make it more private but lose space. I could ask them what they prefer. Although the first room would be significantly bigger than the second due to where I would need to put the wall. I have looked into the loft but can't afford it yet. I am hoping to move in 5 years. I look at houses which are bigger and think I have failed at not managing to provide them with one. I just can't do any more than I've done. I am well aware of the fact they will be shit husbands if I carry on, lazy and entitled and still gaming all day aged 40. I want them to do well and pass exams and go to University to study something worthwhile/do an apprenticeship/get a job. By working I thought I was being a role model-I could have been comfortable not working with 4 children at the time and it would have been much easier-but it doesn't seem to have rubbed off on them which is disappointing.

OP with all due respect the room arrangements are a distraction from the real issue.

Which is that you have left one abuser, but are stuck with two more. You have a very very limited amount of time to deal with your sons. If you don't address the boundary issues NOW, in a years time you will be utterly stuck. With two abusive males in your house, and two little girls who have never know men abusing women to be anything other than their normal. And they themselves will seek out abusive men for their partners, because that's familiar, within their comfort zone and all they know.

Can you have the extension and partition the biggest bedroom?

You’re an adult and you need your own room - especially if you need it to be an office too.

Can you afford to partition the bigger room or put a room in the garden for the eldest? (I mean a shed with electricity and a heater 😂 one of my friends has this and the eldest child LOVED it)

Take a deep breath.

You are doing a remarkable job of bringing up 4 kids on your own with NO help or financial contribution from their feckless 'father' Give yourself the credit you deserve. 🌷

With your 'partner' what kind of decisions did he influence? Did he influence you changing jobs?

Why do you regret changing jobs

It sounds like you had had a dreadful childhood. I presume your sister shared that childhood? She seems to have learned that prioritising the 'man' in the house is all that matters and the the mothers role is simply to prop the men up. You need to shut her opinion out - she needs help too, but right now that can't be your concern.

You went from a dreadful childhood to a dreadful marriage and are now living in a terrible situation where your growing sons are starting to treat you like your father & their father and you're allowing it because you don't really know any better

Your eldest learnt from his father how to manipulate you & sadly due to threatening to commit suicide has made you even more fearful of telling him how things are going to be. This has to stop, both for your sake and his. You owe it to yourself and your children to be the parent in charge.

Definitely do NOT have a house/family meeting or give the children any say in how the bedrooms should be arranged. They already feel their opinions matter more than yours! NO NO NO you need to take control NOW befire it's too late

Your 7 yo us learning fast too, get that nipped in the bud.

Tell DS that the x box stays in his room as does any other anti social behaviour

The sitting room is for all the family, not a space to be monopolised by the boys.

If I had the money I'd get a builder (with some experience) in your see what can be done upstairs, often the walls can be completely move to redesign the space entirely.

It's SO hard not being able to see it or not knowing how big the rooms are, but I wonder if you could rearrange it to get a double room for yourself, a box room for one DS, shred room for DD's & one down in the extension I think you should have a double room (and I'd prefer one upstairs near the bathroom (assuming it's upstairs))

@comingintomyown

OP please let these posts sink in . The fact you have come on here looking for permission to be moving into the extension leaving your DC to share rooms is shocking to me. That you even formulated the idea that the one of them should have it instead meanwhile you share with two of them is unbelievable.

Find a way to stand up to your eldest, I am at the end of parenting a DS who is almost 24 and about to move out. He is a “good boy” but over the years lots of arguments about pulling his weight and the way he speaks to me and I have been very tough about not tolerating certain things but still had a fight on my hands at times. If you give him the extension that further allows him to think he is king of the castle and as he gets older and bigger he may well become really difficult to live with.

I think this is very true thank you I do feel i have to ask permission for everything. On being offered my new job i had to ask my boss if she would think i was bad for leaving! Ridiculous really I just need to say thay one sentence-you can share the bigger room and i will split it-i dont know why i am so scared. By tomorrow they will have accepted it. I think it is much easier to instill parental boundaries as a partnership rather than as someone trying to stay strong on their own.

Sounds like your boys come from a line of abusive, lazy men (your father, their father) and they’re heading in exactly the same way.

Get firm now or they’ll make a prisoner of you in your own home when they’re still living there in their 20s and have a train of girlfriends and friends through your doors.

This. It's total madness that this entitled child thinks he has the right to bully his mother - the Head of Household and sole bringer in of cash - out of the room she built for herself. Just so that he can have a brand new room and you and his sisters continue to share in a way which the givt would consider "overcrowded"? He's totally spoilt.

Your sister seems to come from the same "men get the best cuts" school of thought, and I would advise you no longer take her advice on this.

Apologies for the link to the sun, but I saw this the other day that I though was quite a clever way of splitting a room without loosing too much space! Not sure if it would work for your space op, but just thought it was worth sharing www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/12334045/mum-separates-daughters-room-bunk-beds-instant-hit/amp/

Being brutally honest you don't want your DS' having amazing bedrooms, they need as much motivation as possible to move out as soon as they are old enough!

You get the extension now. When you have reconfigured the upstairs you can decide if the extension is still the best room for you or you may prefer one of the rooms upstairs.

With the gaming late into the night, you can set a timer on your WiFi for it to go off or you can change it every night when you go to bed. School is about to restart so it's a good reason to say the late noisy nights have to end.

That WiFi goes off at 11pm etc.

If the DS' create about the new single rooms upstairs then just say "fine I won't do it carry on sharing". This is the option for them to either share or you partook nothing else.

In the meantime is the loft boarded out with an easy access loft ladder and a light? That is worth doing for the storage issues.

As soon as one DS moves out one of the DDs can move in, remaining DS goes in extension and you get double room as the adult that pays for everything!!!

@MJMG2015

Take a deep breath.

You are doing a remarkable job of bringing up 4 kids on your own with NO help or financial contribution from their feckless 'father' Give yourself the credit you deserve. 🌷

With your 'partner' what kind of decisions did he influence? Did he influence you changing jobs?

Why do you regret changing jobs

It sounds like you had had a dreadful childhood. I presume your sister shared that childhood? She seems to have learned that prioritising the 'man' in the house is all that matters and the the mothers role is simply to prop the men up. You need to shut her opinion out - she needs help too, but right now that can't be your concern.

You went from a dreadful childhood to a dreadful marriage and are now living in a terrible situation where your growing sons are starting to treat you like your father & their father and you're allowing it because you don't really know any better

Your eldest learnt from his father how to manipulate you & sadly due to threatening to commit suicide has made you even more fearful of telling him how things are going to be. This has to stop, both for your sake and his. You owe it to yourself and your children to be the parent in charge.

Definitely do NOT have a house/family meeting or give the children any say in how the bedrooms should be arranged. They already feel their opinions matter more than yours! NO NO NO you need to take control NOW befire it's too late

Your 7 yo us learning fast too, get that nipped in the bud.

Tell DS that the x box stays in his room as does any other anti social behaviour

The sitting room is for all the family, not a space to be monopolised by the boys.

If I had the money I'd get a builder (with some experience) in your see what can be done upstairs, often the walls can be completely move to redesign the space entirely.

It's SO hard not being able to see it or not knowing how big the rooms are, but I wonder if you could rearrange it to get a double room for yourself, a box room for one DS, shred room for DD's & one down in the extension I think you should have a double room (and I'd prefer one upstairs near the bathroom (assuming it's upstairs))

Thank you. My builder is coming in 2 weeks to look at what i can do. But basically too many kids too small space. I would warn any mother planning a 3rd or 4th in a small house not to do it. It really does reduce life quality for all and they dont stau cute and little very long. I used to think of us as a little team but teens have shocked me, they choose friends over me, show no loyalty and are selfish. It really does change as they were not entitled young boys. I regret changing jobs as i simply cannot cope with change despite this paying better. I feel highly anxious as it disrupts the status quo. I need stability and routine for mental health and quite possibly also have asd. My default is to shut down in any stressful situation. I have not seen my father in 25 years. They have not seen theirs in 7. So no direct contact or influence.