Who should get the extension?

[Janejones12]

Please can I ask your advice?
I was finally divorced last year after a long separation and have literally dragged myself out of it. I have worked before but especially since separation non stop and now have a good job and my own home. I have 4 children, two boys and two girls. The girls are 3 and 7 and share with me in a large room. The boys are 15 and 14 and share the other room. This house is all I can afford.
The boys are totally different. One is loud and wakes until late, the other rises early and needs quiet-possibly ASD. They utterly hate sharing. The younger brings his xbox into the living room so is downstairs most of the day. The sound of you tube or him talking to friends with headphones on drives me to despair.
I can partition their bedroom but they may still be able to hear each other.
I have recently paid for a small extension backing onto the lounge. My second son is asking for it. It cost a few thousand and was a lot of hard work on my part to achieve.
I just got a new job meaning a lot of home working. I was going to partition the boys' room so they have half each and leave my daughters in the bedroom we are now. I will sleep in the extension and use it as an office leaving the living room free.
My sister said the eldest child should get the extension and I should continue to share and leave the other boy where he is. I can sleep on a sofa bed if I have to.
Both boys are lazy and I do resent a little bit them both having 'the best' and think it could make them entitled to have the best just to sit and play xbox whilst I work, clean and do everthing. Their dad has no involvement, no maintenence. Just me. I have had years of nothing, literally dragging us all through life.
If I give the eldest the extension it would be unfair to take it away later. They are starting GCSEs and I want them to do well but also after years of just working and surviving want a nice life for myself. I have a newish partner who said I should get the extension as breadwinner and adult, but that could be clouded by the fact it means he could stay over and I am not making a decision based on that.
Please could I have your advice?
Many thanks

Corridoring it would make it more private but lose space. I could ask them what they prefer

STOP really, just stop!!!

YOU are the adult, you need to step up and make the decisions! It sounds like you weren't allowed as a child or in your marriage and you're 'people pleasing' again with your DC. YOU are the adult, you need to take the responsibility here and show them that YOU are in charge, they can relax knowing the adult has life under control. They don't need to parent you, & control you, YOU are 'in charge'

You don't need their, your sisters, or your boyfriends advice or permission. Make the decision that YOU think is best! It's about looking at the overall picture of 4 children AND resale value. What restructure makes sense for resale? (It's RARELY walk through rooms)

You need to get your children to help you more.

When they were little the thought of them leaving home devastated me. I think teenage years almost prepare you for it.

In our last house I put my bed downstairs in the lounge diner. There was still a lounge bit with sofas and tv down one end, but the kids spent most of their time in their bedrooms so it worked perfectly as I could just shut the lounge door once I went to bed.

A friend had 4 kids and her eldest son is in the shed/summer house in the garden. She only has a yard too but it's enough room for a table and chairs and the summer house which has electricity and is insulated. All the kids wanted the outside bedroom, and it's that close to the kitchen that she can lean out of the kitchen window and bang on the side to tell home dinners ready 😁

£20 a month for a seven year old? Bloody hell. Mine get money directly linked to what they do around the house. Some weeks one of them gets barely £2 a week!

@MJMG2015

Corridoring it would make it more private but lose space. I could ask them what they prefer

STOP really, just stop!!!

YOU are the adult, you need to step up and make the decisions! It sounds like you weren't allowed as a child or in your marriage and you're 'people pleasing' again with your DC. YOU are the adult, you need to take the responsibility here and show them that YOU are in charge, they can relax knowing the adult has life under control. They don't need to parent you, & control you, YOU are 'in charge'

You don't need their, your sisters, or your boyfriends advice or permission. Make the decision that YOU think is best! It's about looking at the overall picture of 4 children AND resale value. What restructure makes sense for resale? (It's RARELY walk through rooms)

I have never had choice really. Last week i went on my first night out in 7 years and it was a leaving meal from work. Two people were having a bit of confrontation and i remember sitting there dry mouthed and wondering how i could please stop it and make it ok. Throwback to being in the middle of my parents' fights. Awful awful.

@ReallySpicyCurry

For the love of God don't give your boys the extension. Partition their room and buy them some really good noise cancelling headphones.

I wouldn't have two lazy teenage boys being treated like little lords while three females, one of them the bread winning adult, are cramped into one room

They can buy their own headphones with the money they get for doing fuck all.

@happinessischocolate

In our last house I put my bed downstairs in the lounge diner. There was still a lounge bit with sofas and tv down one end, but the kids spent most of their time in their bedrooms so it worked perfectly as I could just shut the lounge door once I went to bed.

A friend had 4 kids and her eldest son is in the shed/summer house in the garden. She only has a yard too but it's enough room for a table and chairs and the summer house which has electricity and is insulated. All the kids wanted the outside bedroom, and it's that close to the kitchen that she can lean out of the kitchen window and bang on the side to tell home dinners ready 😁

Who did she give it to?

nice one i agree

Don't ask them. Just partition it in the way that PP has done to make the corridor / separate doors. They want their own rooms? Well, they'll have to deal with the available space.

Use the plasterboard which is also sound insulation and Rockwool insulation in the partition itself. This will help with deafening the noise between the rooms.

I wish I could talk to you IRL - you need a good friend 🌷

So the youngest has a different Dad? What about the 7yo? (Are they/he involved at all?)

How many years ago did you initially leave your ExDH?

teens have shocked me, they choose friends over me, show no loyalty and are selfish. It really does change as they were not entitled young boys

Even the nicest teen is often selfish, friend centric & entitled - it's natural & just the path to independence! But they need their parent(s) to give them boundaries to fight against (but make them feel secure). It's not easy at the best of times! But unfortunately you've had a lifetime of not being able to make & enforce your boundaries - so they' e been able to manipulate you all too easily.

You need to change this before they get any
Older, for ALL your sakes.

In one way It's a shame you've changed your job, but it's better money! Hang in there it won't be 'new' forever! Try to settle into it.

OP first I think you’re doing amazingly to be a LP to four kids with no help and to have managed to buy a house and save for an extension.

Second I think your eldest has learned to manipulate you, you mention you are scared of his reaction if he doesn’t get the extension. That’s worrying - what do you think he will do? You wouldn’t give in to a toddler tantrum so why a teenage one?

I would partition the bigger bedroom and put the two boys in it. Ask the builder to use rock wool and acoustic plasterboard to reduce noise, it doesn’t cost much extra. Make the landing larger or corridor so there is no passing through. One room will end up bigger but you could carve out a corner from the bigger one and make it the smaller room’s wardrobe ( hope that makes sense)

Take the extension for yourself. That is absolutely the fairest solution. You could offer that the oldest can use it for quiet study time. Please don’t consider a sofa bed in the living room!

How big is your kitchen? How feasible would it be for you to use the living room as a bedroom/workspace?

Kitchen tiny.
Thank you.
He would cry and sulk probably. Never shout or argue. He would be upset and i hate them being upset.
I probably would give in to a toddler. I lack energy

@Janejones12

Who did she give it to?

The eldest, purely due to him being 17 and the responsibility of being alone outside.

OP, there is a book called ‘A Woman In Your Own Right’. I really think you would benefit from reading it. I hope it helps.

The youngest 2 can share easily. The boys and you will all benefit from having your own private space.

You get the best because:
You pay for it
You are the adult
You are the parent
You WFH they will soon be out at school and can use library etc you can't

The boys get a single room each, it's better than what they have now. They will be fine.

At some point you may have to split the girls room too unless one of the DS moves out.

Start giving yourself the status you deserve!

If they haven't seen their dad in 7 years is the youngest his? If not, please tell me you get maintenance for her at least.

No maintenance for the youngest no.

My boys also try to refuse to sit at the table to eat saying people are annoying ie me and the others.

If you can find the floor plan from when you bought the house and upload it, there will be loads of good suggestions.

We have the "annoying noises" from others, they are permitted to wear headphones and they take one bud when we ask them something.

We do put music on to drown out eating noises as best we can.

The extension was built for you, paid for by you and intended for you. That's what needs to happen.

Measure up the boys' current room and the room you share with the girls then put together a project brief for the boys:

• Give them a deadline by which you'd like them to have produced two or three different ways (separately or collaboratively) of dividing the upstairs rooms into three spaces.
• Suggest to them that they consider using bunkbeds, curtains or other furniture to create partitions as well as requiring each of them to have a desk/workspace and access to the door/room entrance somehow (even if through another sibling's section).
• Get them to include some pros and cons for each design along with diagrams and the cost of materials/furniture.
• Point them towards Pinterest, Instagram etc. for examples.
• Make yourself available at specific times to support with the project e.g. 8-8.30pm on Mondays and Thursdays but be clear about the nature of the support you will offer e.g. helping them create a scale drawing of the spaces and cutting out paper to represent furniture but not doing it whilst they do gaming
• Accept only written submissions and make it clear you will be the person who makes the final decision.

You may also wish to give them a budget, offer to help them sell items on Depop or eBay to fund anything fancy or to say their monthly allowance will be reduced by X amount to help pay for their new spaces.

Producing the brief in writing, like a homework assignment, will create a bit of distance and should make it easier for them to stick to (and for you to refer back to). I would be inclined to add a line at the bottom of the brief saying 'we understand that if we choose not to provide at least two proposals (with diagrams, costings & pros/cons) by X date, it will not be possible for any alterations or room swaps to be considered for a minimum of at least six months'. Get them each to sign and date your copy of the brief (then photograph it).

If they choose not to engage with this, they are choosing to stick with the status quo. You will still get the extension and the girls will remain in their current room. It may feel a bit uncomfortable but you're the one doing all the legwork for everything in your family. They need to start contributing in some way rather than seeing you as someone who is there solely to serve their wants.

I told the eldest he cannot have it. That i need it to work for now. He chose one end of the large bedroom he would like, his brother wants the farther end. I said i will buy nice bedding for them and they can paint. The girls can go in the other bedroom and share but there is plenty of room. I will sleep on the floor until they are used to the change then move down to the extension.
I think once they have ownership of it, ie paint it how they like hopefully it will be nice for them. I will get the builder to quote me a price for it.
I hope once they go back to school it gets easier. At least they wont be on top of each other or around me all the time.
Ive decided they can do a meal one night a week, their own laundry-will give them a baslet each and show them how- and load or empty the dishwasher once a day.
Does that sound like progress?

@Janejones12

I told the eldest he cannot have it. That i need it to work for now. He chose one end of the large bedroom he would like, his brother wants the farther end. I said i will buy nice bedding for them and they can paint. The girls can go in the other bedroom and share but there is plenty of room. I will sleep on the floor until they are used to the change then move down to the extension. I think once they have ownership of it, ie paint it how they like hopefully it will be nice for them. I will get the builder to quote me a price for it. I hope once they go back to school it gets easier. At least they wont be on top of each other or around me all the time. Ive decided they can do a meal one night a week, their own laundry-will give them a baslet each and show them how- and load or empty the dishwasher once a day. Does that sound like progress?

That sounds like a lot of progress! Well done

Don't sleep on the floor though. Make a big deal about the girls getting a big girls room and then have a couple of disturbed nights if needed to get them used to it.