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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

358 replies

untiednations · 22/08/2020 20:23

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 24/08/2020 00:10

Glad you are standing firm OP. Your partner really does need to wake up to some realities here!

Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 00:12

@untiednations ha ha good for you!

May I suggest for your next move you arrange a weekend away? For you. I mean you without children or husband.

I think he needs to spend the weekend 'walking a mile in your shoes'. Selfish men often can't see things but when they experience them first hand it changes.

Arrange something that has an almost moral ring to it. A good friend 'with cancer' for example. Of course somewhere it's not possible to take children. And prep your parents so they don't end up doing the child care.

I'd say give him notice late on a weds. He's a grown man he can spend the weekend with his own children can't he? After all if he keeps going like this there will be a lot more weekends like it. Every other weekend to be precise.

You would have a bag packed and be ready to go the second he walks in. No doubt he will try and pull a fast one so be prepared. Don't back down though, be cheery, and don't ask, tell.

He needs a reality check. Spoilt little shit.

Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 00:15

@timeisnotaline My dH would be doing those weekend care trips with children but not me from here on. Zero input from you.

Great suggestion!! No doubt you can think of something pressing at the last minute as to why you are regretfully unable to join them.

Obviously you will be sitting down with a friend having a much needed couple of bottles glass of wine. Maybe even book yourself into a nice hotel so you can experience how 'hard' it is for yourself.

Lou98 · 24/08/2020 01:04

@jacks11 you obviously misread my reply before responding to me. I never said the OP was to look after him, I clearly stated that that shouldn't fall to her and if he was moving would they be able to keep the carers on!

violetbunny · 24/08/2020 01:48

I think you should suggest to him that it's a great idea to move FIL closer so he can receive more help.,He should move FIL to wherever it is that he works way for the week. That way he can nip out every single weekday lunchtime to help FIL.

See how he likes them apples!

justilou1 · 24/08/2020 06:46

I would show him how much he’d be paying you if you went back to work full time and he had to pay CSA...

WildfirePonie · 24/08/2020 06:57

He is still slightly agog that I don’t see caring for his father as part of the deal of being married to him.

Deal breaker.

Someone get the violin out for poor DH having to spend 4 nights in a hotel. Hmm

Pobblebonk · 24/08/2020 07:30

He is still slightly agog that I don’t see caring for his father as part of the deal of being married to him.

So how would he see it if your positions were reversed? If he were working full time plus looking after your children whilst you were away from home during the week, would he really accept that it was his duty to look after your father? Particularly if your father could just as easily be looked after by paid carers?

Pobblebonk · 24/08/2020 07:34

He tried to claim that spending 4 nights a week in a hotel with no company was “very hard” compared to my life at which point actually told him to fuck off.

Oh, poor love. All that dreadfully hard work dragging himself down to the hotel restaurant and bar and back again. How deprived he must feel not having to do any cooking, cleaning, washing up or childcare.

MsTSwift · 24/08/2020 07:39

Rarely has a thread made me feel so angry. Who the fuck does he think he is? Would he look after your father on a daily basis? I think bloody not!

MsTSwift · 24/08/2020 07:40

Actually the analogy works better if it’s your mother.

Porridgeoat · 24/08/2020 07:56

Maybe take yourself off to a hotel with a friend for the weekend. Leave the kids with him. He’s completely forgotten how much effort they take

Sexnotgender · 24/08/2020 08:01

@Porridgeoat

Maybe take yourself off to a hotel with a friend for the weekend. Leave the kids with him. He’s completely forgotten how much effort they take
I agree with this. But also make sure they’ve got a tonne of activities planned.
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 24/08/2020 08:01

Definitely spring a surprise weekend with the kids on him. He gets home on Friday and meet him at the door with your bag. Or keep one in your car, go out and surprise him. He's a spoilt brat.

Grey rock this FIL business, no, no and more no.

NinkiNonkiNikau · 24/08/2020 08:06

That is a very unfair situation

Imworthit · 24/08/2020 08:06

He tried to claim that spending 4 nights a week in a hotel with no company was “very hard” compared to my life at which point actually told him to fuck off.

Good keep practicing saying fuck off until it feels comfortable.

Agree with the people telling you to take a weekend off- in fact take 4 days. I'm sure his work would be great being flexible And he can offer to make up the time on his lunch breaks!

In all seriousness tho do go away for the weekend but don't make up an excuse just tell him it's a fact it's happening.

Also what provision is in place for if you can't take care of the kids/I'll? I'm guessing if he works away that often he has no idea how to look after them.

Waveysnail · 24/08/2020 08:09

I'd only agree to move him closer if there is a full care package in place. So carers in 3x a day, meals delivered etc. So the caring burden doesnt fall to you. I'd also insist on looking at assisted living accomadation such as sheltered housing or flat within a nursing home

Waveysnail · 24/08/2020 08:11

So basically same care he receives now but nearer to you.

timeisnotaline · 24/08/2020 08:11

I’ve told DH to come up with a better plan because this one is incompatible with our continued relationship. He is still slightly agog that I don’t see caring for his father as part of the deal of being married to him.
I see parenting our children as a non negotiable part of the deal of being married to me and he seems to have fucked right off on that one, he is extremely selective about this marriage ‘deal’ Isnt he? Did he really think he could pick and choose the elements that suited him for the next 50 years with muggins you to take on all the work?

cptartapp · 24/08/2020 08:15

I'd tell him you're agog he's putting the needs of his DF and that of preserving money, above the needs and mental well being of his wife.
I would clearly suggest if he doesn't drop the whole idea pronto, the relationship is over. Let's see how he can work away then, when he has to solely juggle his fathers care and that of his three young DC his half of the week.

Sexnotgender · 24/08/2020 08:17

Obviously you will be sitting down with a friend having a much needed couple of bottles glass of wine. Maybe even book yourself into a nice hotel so you can experience how 'hard' it is for yourself.

Please do this. You really want to try and understand why it’s so much harder to stay in a hotel by yourself than look after 3 young children on your own.

RandomMess · 24/08/2020 08:18

Somehow I missed that you had 3 and not 1 young child.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - his life hard alone 4 nights per week!!!!

We had 3 DC in 3 years (plus an older one) OMG the only hard thing about being away was coming back knowing the other half would be frazzled and in need of a break! In fact when DH did his hobby for a weekend he would try and come back for the night in between to clear the kitchen, get some laundry down and help on the Sunday morning, he used to do his best to back to help out them to bed on the Saturday too.

I agree you need to visit a friend on your own for a long weekend and leave him looking after the DC for 5 days and 4 nights...

DragonPie · 24/08/2020 08:18

How about he get a job that revolves round caring for his father?

I’m not surprised you told him to fuck off! What a dickhead!

Longdistance · 24/08/2020 08:40

I’m shocked at your h’s attitude Shock

Fil should be in an old folks home not relying on his dil for care. Shameful. Your h just wants his inheritance. What’s to say when fil does go, your h will piss off with the money. He already sounds like a complete selfish ... well, I’ll leave you to fill that in.

Keep in with saying no.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 24/08/2020 08:42

Why doesn’t he look for a new job, one that involves him being home rather than working away. Suggest this to him and then he can pop home on lunch breaks to half his father. It will also mean that he is home for any emergency calls through the night.

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