Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

“I’ve told DH to come up with a better plan because this one is incompatible with our continued relationship. He is still slightly agog that I don’t see caring for his father as part of the deal of being married to him”

Good for you. I’ve told dh the same recently. Fil barely speaks to me and when he does it’s with such distain no way in hell am I doing care for him too. I’ll absolutely work things to allow dh to do it but I’m not dealing.

Dm did all the care stuff for my grandparents (ddads parents). All she got was hassle from some family members for her being there when decisions were made. She pointed out to them that they could have helped. Or visited more than once every couple of years.

Cousin (the oldest grandchild) told dm off and Dm suggested that babe could take over being the emergency contact. Cousin agreed. So Dm changed everything. We live in jersey. Cousin in Cardiff. I think cousin wanted the “glory” (for want of a better word) to be the one to be told in emergencies so she could tell the rest of the family. Turns out grandparents had lots of emergencies - no milk, spilled coffee, and some medical ones which were emergencies. Cousin soon realised it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

So I and my DH cared for my FIL through two knee operations, his treatment for cancer and his end of life care. I would do the same again. However, the commitment is serious and it needs really proper planning with social services and healthcare professionals. Whatever you do, do not do this on the hoof. My two sisters are nurses so we had some help in navigating the system which is really complex. You need to plan for house adaptations, medical support visits, care and change etc. Also when your FIL moves from one area to another this can be difficult, so be careful. We managed care jointly and with our eyes open so please make sure your DH is fully committed. Care often falls on women in entirety and this simply is not fair. Also, once you have committed to this, you would be amazed how quickly other family members disappear at pace. Appearing equally quickly after death to make sure they pick up the maxiumum amount in any will.

@Puzzledandpissedoff

competent adult that should have said Oh, for an edit feature ...

Dult actually sounds like the right noun in this case.

Your DH is unbelievable! Good for you for standing your ground on this because this is the height of cheeky fuckery.

Actually shocked at your dh’s attitude.

Hope he wakes up to reality soon.

Why does your dh see it as a priority to reduce the caring costs? You’ve said FIL has 2 properties and I assume that money isn’t an issue for him.

It's horribly hard but completely unreasonable that your OH expects you to become a carer.

I agree with the PPs that you need to make sure it's in your FIL's best interests to move. We had an elderly neighbour who used to talk about her friend next door who was moved away by her (well-meaning) family and was then very lonely.

Is your OH an only child? If not, what do the siblings think?

We spent 18 months (and probably more) being very actively involved with an elderly relative. I'll spare you the essay that could become but sorting out appointments, arranging things takes ages. What will happen if FIL needs a hospital appointment/ dentist/flu jab/doctor/ list 100 other things.....? Who is expected to take the time off work to do this?

If your children are all at nursery then that's expensive but a breeze compared with them being at school with the holidays, inset days, half days, concerts etc. That's so much harder to juggle.

If you're trying to get your career back on track after mat leaves, you'd be crazy to ditch it now just because it would make your OH's life easier. Aside the fact that it sounds as though you enjoy work, that will put you in a more vulnerable position if you split up.

His working away is suboptimal sure, but with a triple nursery bill then we can’t afford for him to take a pay cut just now.

Who said anything about a pay cut? FIL would have to match DH's current salary. If he did that, DH wouldn't have any reason to continue being away from home 5 days a week.

You'd think he would be joyful at a solution that means he no longer has to spend 4 days a week in a hotel... or was that bluster and he actually quite likes being able to skive off the childcare....?

Well done for saying no. He really has just assumed that as the woman all caring responsibilities fall to you, hasn't he?

Why can't he move jobs for 3-5 years? Could FIL stay where he is (with carers) for another 3 years?

Well done for telling him to fxxk off.
Dear God, sitting in a hotel after a days work is harder.🙄🤬

Work all day.
Collect 3 young fractious children.
Put them into the car.
Drive home.
Unload children.
Unpack their bags.
Try and get food on.
Try and engage positively with all 3.
Feed them.
Clean up.
Get them ready for bed.
Get them down to bed.
Clean up.
Prepare everything for doing it all again tomorrow.....

Is he on drugs?
Sitting on his arse in a hotel compares to that.

He certainly sounds like a right selfish twat.
How can you even look at someone so detached from YOUR reality.

Clearly he does fxxk all with his children on their own to think you have time to also look after his father.

I hope your eyes have opened to exactly who he is.

My husband worked away and I was doing it on my own with 3 under 6.....and I wasn't working.....it was very full on.

I actually can't imagine what it would have been like squeezing in a FULL TIME JOB.

You are somewoman OP.

You are worth 10 of that twat.

Protect yourself from his selfishness.

My XH used to work away - he'd do twelve days, then home for two, then twelve away, staying in B&B accommodation.

I was at home with five children under eight.

He also tried to tell me how hard his life was. I became a single mum of five children under eight and it was easier than putting up with his moaning on the two days a fortnight that he was home!

Plus I only had to do what I wanted to do. Just sayin'

Whoever said this hasn’t absorbed the point of the thread.

However, I could never imagine telling my DP that he was being unreasonable wanting his dad closer.

OP isn't against fiL moving closer or getting good care, she just does not want to be the one having to provide that care!

OP, of course your H could have a conversation about this if he wanted to, he is choosing not to. It is lovely that he cares so much for his dad and wants to see if there’s a better solution for his care going forward, but if he can’t be grown up enough to have this difficult conversation then he is in no position to call you heartless (which you are not) or anything else.

There are lots of other options out there which could address any care concerns, he needs to open his eyes and consider these, as well as recognising that expecting the load to fall on your shoulders is neither fair nor realistic.

Glad somebody else suggested assisted living; I'm actully surprised it hadn't already been thought of, but then why should it when DH clearly thinks elderly care is "wimmins work"?

Love the idea of a few days away for OP - in fact I'd say that's a "must do", preferably without too much notice so as to reflect the sudden changes which parent care can involve. IF he's going to get the experience, best to make it as realistic as possible

He tried to tell you that four nights a week away in a hotel (presumably all expenses paid) is a terrible hardship!!

What a twat! Fuck off would also have been my response.

I'd actually be okay with the FIL moving closer however I would not be doing any of the caring though. The ONLY reason I'd be okay with it is so DH wouldn't have to travel 6hrs every weekend to see him and take care of him. During the week, while DH is away, it would be local carers being paid to take care of him, not me.

My own PIL's care will be expected (by them and the family) to fall to me seeing that I'm the only family member with a vagina nearby. Luckily I didn't marry an ass and just like my in laws birthdays and Christmases, DH will sort it. It took a while but DH's family eventually realised that I wasn't responsible for HIS jobs. The wifework I do is what I choose to or I do to help DH (as he does for me).

Right... when DH waltzes in next, your bag will be packed and in the car. You kiss each of the kids on their heads and say airily over your shoulder... “Mummy’s off to work now, by darlings, I love you all... See you in four day’s time!” To him “I expect the house will be spotless, the laundry all done, the groceries bought, all medical, school, sporting and social appointments kept, the pets fed and their medical needs met, etc - Oh, and Mum has to go to the specialist on Tuesday. I’m off to find out how hard it is spending four nights a week in a hotel. Will be home for dinner on Friday. I imagine that you will have put a lot of time and effort into preparing something extra special for me. Toodlepip!” And find a lovely hotel and charge everything to his credit card.

I don't think OP could relax though if she went and stayed out the entire weekend. DH doesn't seem to have a clue.

@justilou1
Perfect

@justilou1

Right... when DH waltzes in next, your bag will be packed and in the car. You kiss each of the kids on their heads and say airily over your shoulder... “Mummy’s off to work now, by darlings, I love you all... See you in four day’s time!” To him “I expect the house will be spotless, the laundry all done, the groceries bought, all medical, school, sporting and social appointments kept, the pets fed and their medical needs met, etc - Oh, and Mum has to go to the specialist on Tuesday. I’m off to find out how hard it is spending four nights a week in a hotel. Will be home for dinner on Friday. I imagine that you will have put a lot of time and effort into preparing something extra special for me. Toodlepip!” And find a lovely hotel and charge everything to his credit card.

Please do this. Sometimes in a marriage you need to stop the rot. Your husband is so deluded, it's tragic.

Could he be more detached from your reality and what is involved with the care of 3 very young children.

@justilou1 great plan.
OP does he ever care for DC on his own?

So who sorts out your FIL when you have a holiday?
When the kids are off school? What are you supposed to do with them.
He genuinely thinks caring means popping in doesn’t he.

Caring for my Grandad meant 24 hour worry which my DM and her siblings did, although one did a lot of less.
Constant popping round, had he eaten.
Taking to GP/hospital appointments
Counting out tablets every week, and working out if he had taken the right ones
Cleaning
Sorting out the gardener
Power of attorney and having responsibility of all banking and money
Food shopping
Washing
Phoning
Personal care, who’s going to do that?

That’s just the stuff off the top of my head. Constant worry. Constant. He eventually went into a home and is having the best time.

Caring for your FIL doesn’t actually involve your DH at all. It makes me wonder how highly he values you and your career at all if he thinks you can just drop everything. He obviously just sees you as a wife and mother rather than an actual person with thoughts and feelings and opinions.

It’s always the wife that gets dropped in it in these threads, always. Life doesn’t change for the DH.

Life doesn’t change for the DH.

Except it does in a way. A DH gets kudos for being such a caring child and a great support to their parents.

Over time, DH might start complaining that OP or similar is short-tempered and tired all the time and doesn't pay due attention to his sense of entitlement. That the children are constantly stressed and they dont' feel that they get enough attention so DH now realises that he doesn't always want to come back at the weekends now because it seems he disrupts everyone's routines. Maybe it would be best if he stayed away and relaxed, maybe did a hobby. Limited the disruption of his own home visits to 1 every 2 then 4 weeks…

Or, that's how I've seen similar situations play out.

Goodness, what a piece of work your 'D'H is. Leaving you will the parenting M-F, and then, on top, volunteering your labour for caring for his elderly parent. As for trying to guilt you into compliance.

No wonder he cant have a normal conversation about this. There is nothing normal about what he is trying to bring about. Very easy to volunteer someone else's labour.

Hope you have strong boundaries, OP, you are going to need them.

Yanbu. I wouldn't be looking after anyone elses parents but my own

I'd tell him you're agog he's putting the needs of his DF and that of preserving money, above the needs and mental well being of his wife.

And his children. The more time OP spends with FIL, the less time she's spending with their children - and FIL's care needs will only increase as time goes on.

I agree moving closer so you can visit have him over to visit more is fine bit caring will be impossible as you work full time and have 3 kids ( little ones as well) so if he was moving and still having carers etc and you were both just helping occassionally and being closer to mainly visit for a cup of tea etc then that would make sense